The Brown Noser

Syrian Man Psyched to Be Killed by Regular Weapons

Damascus resident Ibrahim Fayyad announced that he was looking forward to the opportunity to be murdered not by sarin gas or white phosphorous, but by an ordinary, deadly American airstrike. “Every day for two years I’ve lived in fear of being gassed by my government with chemical weapons, or brutally tortured by the rebels,” said Fayyad, noting that his neighborhood is just begging to be flattened by a Patriot missile filled with standard explosives.

Fledgling A Capella Scene Develops on Campus

Calling it “an exciting little scene,” students confirmed that a capella singing groups are beginning to pop up on campus. Though it remains small, many students speculated that a capella groups could become a permanent fixture on campus one day.

Brilliant Young Innovator Releases Wild Tiger Into Crowd During Ted Talk

Sources at the International TED Conference today confirmed that brilliant innovator Brian Walker delivered a dazzling and insightful presentation on the future of human technological progress while releasing a wild tiger into the seated audience before him.

Acting Professor Gives Knockout Performance Pretending Students Have Talent to Make It

Professor of Theater Arts Charles Henderson delivered another incredible performance yesterday, pretending the students in his class have enough talent to make it as actors, sources report. Henderson, known primarily for his role as the supportive and hopeful acting teacher in the TAPS department, stood up in front of his 18 students at the end of yesterday’s class period and stated that he believed each and every one of them had the potential to successfully act at a professional level.

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If You Keep Acting Like a Child, I’ll Be Forced to Concede Because I Fear Confrontation

Listen, you know that your mother and I are pretty relaxed and we try not to tell you what to do too often, but in this case I’m going to have to put my foot down and say that I won’t allow you to stay in the house by yourself when we’re out of town.

Where Are All the Female Bear CEOs?

Even in our modern workplace, where tolerance and equal opportunity are talked about openly, the subject of working female bears is somehow still taboo. But I look around and I can’t help but notice, where are all the female bear CEOs? Many people would argue that this isn’t a question worth asking, that the American workplace doesn’t need female bear CEOs.

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10-Year-Old Parental Controls Whistle-Blower Seeks Asylum at Jeffrey’s House

10-year-old Daniel Fuller made headlines on Tuesday after leaking classified documents detailing Janine and Carl Fuller’s sweeping Parental Controls operation that monitored the online activity and communications of American citizens, specifically their own two children.

Documentary Seemed Like Real Movie from Poster

Audiences at the Westmark Cinema 14 were confused this weekend when a movie whose poster made it seem like it was going to be a real movie, actually ended up being a documentary. The poster for “Demolition Squad” features an image of an exploding car and the tag line “What would you do to save the ones you love?” both of which seem to suggest that the movie contains real movie things like explosions, sex scenes and an entertaining fictional plot line.

Obnoxious Hypochondriac Won’t Shut Up About Festering Leg Wound

According to reports yesterday afternoon from within the Pickford home, obnoxious hypochondriac Joseph Pickford just wouldn’t shut up about the large festering gash in his right leg. “There is blood everywhere and putrid-smelling greenish pus dripping down my leg,” whined the relentlessly annoying crackpot, who seems to have a different ailment almost every single week.

Guy Fieri’s Flavor Train Heads Toward Delicioustown, Derails in Heart Attackville

Officials are currently investigating the derailment of Food Network personality Guy Fieri’s flavor train, which reportedly rolled off the tracks in Heart Attackville while on course to Delicioustown late this afternoon. The flavor train, which had been traveling through a Category 5 hurricane of butter and buffalo sauce for much of the morning, sped out of control after the dynamite taste of a deep-fried holy-moly Stromboli caught Fieri by surprise.

Town Impressed by Very Handsome Man

Residents of Franconia, N.H. have over the past two years been graced with the presence of young stud Tom Hanson, who is universally described as confident, poised and just as handsome as can be. “Feast your eyes,” said town elder Hank Tapper as Hanson took an evening walk down Main Street, drawing the rapt attention of fathers, mothers, and children alike.

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New Squirt Gun Squirts Bullets

Hasbro stock rose 12 points on Monday following the announcement of their new line of squirt guns that, in a fun twist on the squirt gun concept, squirts deadly bullets instead of the more traditional water. “Kids will be convulsing with joy when they get a ‘load’ of the Hasbro Blast,” says Hasbro PR executive Harry Walters.

Student Really Wants to Look at Porn on Internet but Doesn’t Know Where to Find It

Though David Haymer ’16 has a fervent desire to download and stream Internet pornography, the sophomore English concentrator just can’t figure out where to find it on the Web. “I’ve heard a lot about Internet pornography, and I really want to check it out,” remarked Haymer.

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