Damascus resident Ibrahim Fayyad announced that he was looking forward to the opportunity to be murdered not by sarin gas or white phosphorous, but by an ordinary, deadly American airstrike.
“Every day for two years I’ve lived in fear of being gassed by my government with chemical weapons, or brutally tortured by the rebels,” said Fayyad, noting that his neighborhood is just begging to be flattened by a Patriot missile filled with standard explosives.
10-year-old Daniel Fuller made headlines on Tuesday after leaking classified documents detailing Janine and Carl Fuller’s sweeping Parental Controls operation that monitored the online activity and communications of American citizens, specifically their own two children.
Audiences at the Westmark Cinema 14 were confused this weekend when a movie whose poster made it seem like it was going to be a real movie, actually ended up being a documentary.
The poster for “Demolition Squad” features an image of an exploding car and the tag line “What would you do to save the ones you love?” both of which seem to suggest that the movie contains real movie things like explosions, sex scenes and an entertaining fictional plot line.
According to reports yesterday afternoon from within the Pickford home, obnoxious hypochondriac Joseph Pickford just wouldn’t shut up about the large festering gash in his right leg.
“There is blood everywhere and putrid-smelling greenish pus dripping down my leg,” whined the relentlessly annoying crackpot, who seems to have a different ailment almost every single week.
Officials are currently investigating the derailment of Food Network personality Guy Fieri’s flavor train, which reportedly rolled off the tracks in Heart Attackville while on course to Delicioustown late this afternoon.
The flavor train, which had been traveling through a Category 5 hurricane of butter and buffalo sauce for much of the morning, sped out of control after the dynamite taste of a deep-fried holy-moly Stromboli caught Fieri by surprise.
Residents of Franconia, N.H. have over the past two years been graced with the presence of young stud Tom Hanson, who is universally described as confident, poised and just as handsome as can be.
“Feast your eyes,” said town elder Hank Tapper as Hanson took an evening walk down Main Street, drawing the rapt attention of fathers, mothers, and children alike.
Listen, you know that your mother and I are pretty relaxed and we try not to tell you what to do too often, but in this case I’m going to have to put my foot down and say that I won’t allow you to stay in the house by yourself when we’re out of town.
Even in our modern workplace, where tolerance and equal opportunity are talked about openly, the subject of working female bears is somehow still taboo. But I look around and I can’t help but notice, where are all the female bear CEOs?
Many people would argue that this isn’t a question worth asking, that the American workplace doesn’t need female bear CEOs.