The Brown Noser

10-Year-Old Parental Controls Whistle-Blower Seeks Asylum at Jeffrey’s House | Sep 06 2013

10-year-old Daniel Fuller made headlines on Tuesday after leaking classified documents detailing Janine and Carl Fuller’s sweeping Parental Controls operation that monitored the online activity and communications of American citizens, specifically their own two children.

Syrian Man Psyched to Be Killed by Regular Weapons | Sep 06 2013

Damascus resident Ibrahim Fayyad announced that he was looking forward to the opportunity to be murdered not by sarin gas or white phosphorous, but by an ordinary, deadly American airstrike. “Every day for two years I’ve lived in fear of being gassed by my government with chemical weapons, or brutally tortured by the rebels,” said Fayyad, noting that his neighborhood is just begging to be flattened by a Patriot missile filled with standard explosives.

Documentary Seemed Like Real Movie from Poster | Sep 06 2013

Audiences at the Westmark Cinema 14 were confused this weekend when a movie whose poster made it seem like it was going to be a real movie, actually ended up being a documentary. The poster for “Demolition Squad” features an image of an exploding car and the tag line “What would you do to save the ones you love?” both of which seem to suggest that the movie contains real movie things like explosions, sex scenes and an entertaining fictional plot line.

Obnoxious Hypochondriac Won’t Shut Up About Festering Leg Wound | Sep 06 2013

According to reports yesterday afternoon from within the Pickford home, obnoxious hypochondriac Joseph Pickford just wouldn’t shut up about the large festering gash in his right leg. “There is blood everywhere and putrid-smelling greenish pus dripping down my leg,” whined the relentlessly annoying crackpot, who seems to have a different ailment almost every single week.

Guy Fieri’s Flavor Train Heads Toward Delicioustown, Derails in Heart Attackville | Sep 06 2013

Officials are currently investigating the derailment of Food Network personality Guy Fieri’s flavor train, which reportedly rolled off the tracks in Heart Attackville while on course to Delicioustown late this afternoon. The flavor train, which had been traveling through a Category 5 hurricane of butter and buffalo sauce for much of the morning, sped out of control after the dynamite taste of a deep-fried holy-moly Stromboli caught Fieri by surprise.

Town Impressed by Very Handsome Man | Sep 06 2013

Residents of Franconia, N.H. have over the past two years been graced with the presence of young stud Tom Hanson, who is universally described as confident, poised and just as handsome as can be. “Feast your eyes,” said town elder Hank Tapper as Hanson took an evening walk down Main Street, drawing the rapt attention of fathers, mothers, and children alike.

Arachnophobic Teenager Has Complicated Relationship with Spider Father | Sep 06 2013

Recent reports from the home of arachnophobic teenager Josh Hutchinson suggest that he has a complicated and sometimes strained relationship with his father, Tslskksk, an over-sized Goliath Tarantula. “It feels like he doesn’t understand me,” said Hutchinson, who enjoys skateboarding and eating out with friends.

The Middle East?!?!?!?!?!?! | Sep 06 2013

Israel?! Saudi Arabia?!?!?! Iran and/or Iraq?!?!?!?!?! The Middle East!??!?!?!?!!?!?!?! Saddam “Osama bin Laden” Hussein?! Osama “Barack Hussein Obama” bin Laden?!?!?! Barack “Saddam Hussein” Hussein Obama?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!? The Fertile Crescent!? The Nile Delta!?!? The Suez Canal?!?1? Desert sands! People riding on camels! Figs, probably? Hummus, definitely. Jerusalem; Mecca; Beirut.* *The Middle East

No One at Modern Dance Show Sure Whether Falling Off Stage and Crying Part of Performance | Sep 06 2013

Following reports that a performer at tonight’s “Dance Extension” show had fallen off the stage and begun to cry, sources have confirmed that no one at the performance is certain whether the gruesome fall was an accident or some kind of sly, Brechtian choice on part of the director.

Area Man Actually Worried NSA Might Spy on Stupid Pictures of His Dumb Family | Sep 06 2013

According to concerns expressed to his wife and close friends following revelations regarding the National Security Agency’s domestic spying program, area man Robert Branford is apparently actually worried that the NSA might spy on the stupid pictures of his dumb family that he sometimes emails to relatives.

Super Old Man Bagging Groceries Bums Everyone Out | Sep 06 2013

A super old man bagging groceries at a local Stop & Shop has been described by customers and employees alike as a major bummer. Sources were unable to confirm the exact age of the man, who is identified only as Roland by his nametag. Customers speculated that the man was probably way too old to be doing manual labor, citing his slack mouth, and papery skin, and hunched stature.

Area Man Honored for Not Committing Hate Crime | Sep 06 2013

During a well-attended ceremony held at City Hall this Wednesday, area man Greg Pittman was presented with the Civilian Medal of Heroism, honoring the local bartender and part-time mechanic for valiantly not committing a hate crime. Despite having multiple opportunities to commit myriad hate crimes, Pittman instead made the brave choice not to carry out senseless acts of violence against people based solely on their ethnicity, religious affiliation or sexual orientation.

No One Tall Enough to Ride Roller Coaster | Sep 06 2013

Visitors to Six Flags Magic Mountain were disappointed this week when they were told that no human on earth is tall enough to ride the park’s newest roller coaster, the Cosmic Cyclone. “With most rides, you have to be at least 48 inches in order to ride, while the slightly more intense coasters might require a height of 54 inches,” explained ride attendant, Clark Olmer, standing next to a sign stretching 20 feet into the air with the words “Must Be At Least This Tall To Ride” printed above a barely visible red line at the top.

Nice Cross-Section of American Life in This Wendy's Right Now | Sep 06 2013

Sources from inside this Wendy’s, located across from Home Depot just off the highway, report that the restaurant is currently serving food to a pretty decent representation of several diverse aspects of modern American life. Customers were pleasantly surprised to notice fellow patrons of different races, age groups, religions, creeds and sexual preferences sitting down and eating burgers and fries as if it were just another day.

New M8 Drink Blends Eight Essential Meats Into Single Delicious Beverage | Sep 06 2013

According to a recent press release issued by Campbell Soup Company, a new M8 drink is slated to hit the shelves this week that combines eight essential meats into one delicious, easy-to-carry bottle. “In today’s busy world, many Americans are unable to manage their diet, and are thus forced to live with various meat deficiencies,” stated Jonathan Stafford, head of marketing for M8.

Area Man’s Tuesday Sort Of Breaks Down in Third Act | Sep 06 2013

Affable everyman Christopher Miller’s Tuesday stalled in its narrative conclusion last week as the protagonist’s day entered its resolving action. Shoddy and overwritten plotting resulted in a hodgepodge of nonsensical events, stilted dialogue and confused motives, as Miller seemingly lost track of the circumstances in which he had been embroiled ever since Tuesday’s first plot point.

Neighbors Confirm Area Man Exactly the Sort of Marginalized Weirdo Who Could Do Something Like This | Sep 06 2013

The tight-knit community of Divernon, Ill. found itself searching for answers following the arrest of Eric Smalls, area retail employee and alleged murderer embroiled in an ongoing regional investigation. Last month’s string of homicides concluding in a tense standoff with state and Sangamon County Police outside a Route 66 gas station has left many here wondering how such a thing could happen in their quiet town.

At-Home Workout DVD Just Assumes You Have Kettle Bells | Sep 06 2013

Saying that you should “go ahead and grab those kettle bells now,” your new at-home workout DVD is apparently assuming you have those weird weight balls just lying around your home. “It’s time to work that upper body,” said the woman leading the workout, seemingly under the impression that your living room is completely stocked with gym equipment.

Jonathan Franzen Reading "Freedom" in Public Again | Sep 06 2013

Author Jonathan Franzen was spotted reading the Franzen novel “Freedom” outside a Minneapolis Starbucks last Thursday. This marks the sixth time in the past three years that Franzen has been caught thumbing through the work. “I’m almost done,” reported Franzen on being approached, “and I really want to see what happens to Patty.

Heartbreaking Love Story Overshadows Butt Sex in Inexplicably Well-Written Porno | Sep 06 2013

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Group Hug Abandoned for Intense Round of One-on-One Hugging | Sep 06 2013

On Wednesday, after completing a team building exercise mandated by their superiors, a group of co-workers commenced a group hug, only to abandon it seconds later for an intense round of one-on-one, person-to-person hugging. Sources involved in the mano-a-mano hug fest reported that the decision to translate the group hug into a more personal, one-to-one series of hugs was spontaneous.

Cool Urban Coffee Shop Decorated with 80 Pounds of Trash Glued to Walls | Sep 06 2013

Citing a variety of scrap metal, broken bicycle parts, and rotting pieces of wood adorning the walls of local coffee shop The Hub, sources confirmed that the popular cafe seems to be decorated solely with trash glued to its walls. Manager Tim Portwood confirmed The Hub’s “casual, urban feel” was achieved by repurposing about 80 lbs.

Egyptians Continue to Fight Over Who Gets the Pyramids, or Something, Probably | Sep 06 2013

Egypt yesterday devolved further into chaos as warring factions continued to battle for control over the ancient pyramids, or who gets to be the pharaoh, or something along those lines, probably. “On the one side, we have the government, headed by a distant ancestor of Cleopatra, or maybe Ramses II,” explained national security expert Richard Tomkey.

Off Campus (Sep 06 2013 issue)