Sources report that in his first conversation with his new peers, Joshua Soule ‘18 gave up all plans to present a cooler, more confident version of himself. “Before getting to school, I had decided to introduce myself as ‘Josh,’" said Soule, “but when asked my name, ‘Joshua’ just came out and I realized I can’t hide from who I really am.
Stepping from a Newport News pier onto the USS “Wasp” for the very first time, newly commissioned Navy officer Frederick Biffles told shipmates yesterday that he sure hopes he won’t get splashed during his one-year tour of duty.
“Pretty nervous about shipping out to Afghanistan, what with all the opportunities for water to splash up and daub my fresh new Navy outfit,” Biffles said as he patted his uniform to affirm its dryness.
Upon being reunited with several classmates, Joshua Thompson ’15, who in nine months will have some $80,000 of student loan debt and be unemployed, shouted, “Seniors!”
“This is our year,” proclaimed Thompson, apparently unaware he would be graduating into a near-nonexistent job market, ultimately rendering him unable to find employment, let alone anything high-paying enough to put a dent into the debt he will have accumulated over the course of his college career.
Noting that the word carries with it uncomfortably truthful connotations of shadowy back-door dealing and disregard for human concerns in the pursuit of profit, the Corporation announced that it was in the process of devising a new, far less accurate name.
The subject line “A Message From President Paxson” on an email sent to students yesterday virtually guaranteed a message full of thoughtful exchange and a commitment to making substantive, positive change in University policies.
The email, which thousands of University students and staff received with delight, almost certainly promised to reinforce the idea that President Christina Paxson has the best interests of the student body at heart.