The American people collectively held their breath and looked on nervously as President Barack Obama stood on a swivel desk chair in order to reach the top shelf of his Oval Office book shelf on Monday.
Citizens across party lines admitted that they were very concerned when Obama rolled his desk chair over to the shelf and shakily stepped onto it.
Son, I think you’re old enough to hear that the world is not always a great place. There are some people out there that are going to mean for no apparent reason, and most of the time they’re just doing it to get a rise out of you. But you need to be firm.
Sources report that in his first conversation with his new peers, Joshua Soule ‘18 gave up all plans to present a cooler, more confident version of himself. “Before getting to school, I had decided to introduce myself as ‘Josh,’" said Soule, “but when asked my name, ‘Joshua’ just came out and I realized I can’t hide from who I really am.
A recent poll of the toy chest found that nearly three quarters of the residents of TrainTown are unhappy with their pre-adolescent God-King Billy, who has drawn fire for his capricious and often brutal leadership style.
Billy’s administration has been wracked with scandal, from January’s Pokemongate to last month’s mass beheadings and subsequent mixed-up reheadings.
According to breaking reports, it’s been a tough season and I know we’ve had our differences, but there’s no way we can win this game without you on the team. All reports indicate that those other guys are pretty big, but they don’t have our secret weapon—they don’t have you.
The Food and Drug Administration recently approved a pill to help people who just like to have a little routine when they get up in the morning. The pill is being marketed under the name Routiplen and will be available over the counter for consumers who suffer from not having a thing they do every day when they wake up.