The Brown Noser

Off Campus (Sep 05 2014 issue)

Nation Watches Nervously As Obama Stands On Swivel Chair To Get Book On Top Shelf | Sep 05 2014

The American people collectively held their breath and looked on nervously as President Barack Obama stood on a swivel desk chair in order to reach the top shelf of his Oval Office book shelf on Monday. Citizens across party lines admitted that they were very concerned when Obama rolled his desk chair over to the shelf and shakily stepped onto it.

Poll: 72% Of Model Train Town Residents Dissatisfied With 7-Year-Old God-King | Sep 05 2014

A recent poll of the toy chest found that nearly three quarters of the residents of TrainTown are unhappy with their pre-adolescent God-King Billy, who has drawn fire for his capricious and often brutal leadership style. Billy’s administration has been wracked with scandal, from January’s Pokemongate to last month’s mass beheadings and subsequent mixed-up reheadings.

Area Man Regrets Choosing “What Is Your Password?” As Bank Security Question | Sep 05 2014

Staring in frustration at the Chase.com login page, area man Ben Higgins remarked that he really regrets making his bank security question “What is your password?” “Why would I think this was a good idea?” said Higgins, who now just feels like a big idiot.

Area Man Starting To Think Of Waffle House As Waffle Home | Sep 05 2014

62-year-old Chad Barnes, local resident of Scranton, Pa. is beginning to think of the town’s Waffle House as his own waffle home. Sources say the man began to show up frequently at Waffle House which soon turned into a three-meals-a-day routine. Barnes expressed that the Waffle House took some getting used to at first.

Cunning Man Convinces Waitress Today Is His Birthday | Sep 05 2014

Before placing an order for Diet Coke and the spinach dip appetizer last Tuesday night, sources confirm, clever man Gavin Slone convinced the waitress at a local restaurant that it was his birthday when, in fact, his birthday was last April. “Yeah, it’s actually my birthday today,” Slone informed the waitress immediately after she introduced herself to the table, his mastery in the art of deception on display.

Dad Loudly Enumerates Favorite Bass Players | Sep 05 2014

Noting that he leaned too far forward at the table, sources have confirmed that dad Jeffrey Washburn loudly enumerated all of his favorite bass players at dinner tonight. “John Paul Jones second. Paul McCartney third. Jack Bruce fourth,” Washburn said, adding that he’d probably throw Noel Redding and Billy Cox in there for good measure.

Family With 13-Year-Old Dog Drops By Shelter Just To Look Around | Sep 05 2014

Sources say the Cahan family of four with a 13-year-old yellow lab dropped by a Providence dog shelter late yesterday morning to harmlessly look around. Brad and Cindy, parents of Andrew, 5, and Brendan, 8, told the owner of the Providence Animal Rescue League that regardless of the fact that they have a really old dog, they simply came to check out the shelter.

Jill Stein Launches 2016 Presidential Defeat | Sep 05 2014

Saying that she has been eager to make the announcement for some time now, 2012 Green Party candidate and physician Jill Stein has announced that she is officially launching her 2016 presidential defeat. “After weighing my options for the near future, I am excited to say that I have decided to lose the presidential election by a substantial margin come 2016,” Stein wrote in a blog post on her website, adding that, despite her desire to have more time with her family and close friends, the allure of a crushing and certain election rout is simply too strong.

Jonathan Safran Foer To Publish Next Novel On 700 Glued-Together Chipotle Cups | Sep 05 2014

Calling it the literary event of the year, publisher HarperCollins announced today that New York Times bestselling author Jonathan Safran Foer would publish his next novel on 700 glued-together drinking cups from Mexican restaurant chain Chipotle. “Foer wanted to continue experimenting with form, and this is his boldest project yet,” said Senior Director of Publicity Shelby Meizlik about Foer’s new novel, which will reportedly come in twelve, sixteen, and twenty-four ounce sizes.

Majority Of Americans Refuse To Point To Afghanistan On A Map | Sep 05 2014

A Gallup poll released this week shows that the majority of Americans adamantly refuse to point to the Central Asian nation of Afghanistan on a map when prompted to do so. The most commonly reported reason for their refusal was: “I’ve pointed to enough things on maps already, isn’t that good enough? And what’s in it for me?” “I don’t want to point to Afghanistan on a map,” reported Jason Fitzwitz.

Man Who Just Returned From Vacation Asked To Confirm Cultural Stereotypes Of Countries He Visited | Sep 05 2014

Almost immediately after returning from a multi-continent trip, local man Joe Douglas was asked to validate a slew of stereotypes about the countries he visited. “They eat snails over there, right? And they smoke all the time, too?” Douglas was asked when he told a friend he had spent time in Paris.

Missouri Police Department Now Second Most Powerful Military In World | Sep 05 2014

Experts have confirmed that the Missouri Police Department has replaced Russia as the world’s second-most powerful military force behind the United States. The state’s law enforcement division boasts a cadre of policemen and women who are trained with assault rifles, grenade launchers and armored vehicles.

Mural Artist Really Phoning In This Line Of Multicultural People Holding Hands | Sep 05 2014

As she continues her work, it is becoming increasingly clear to bystanders that local mural artist Paula Berenson is totally phoning in her newest painting of a line of multicultural people holding hands. The mural—which Berenson is lackadaisically painting on the brick side-wall of the neighborhood’s community center—depicts a group of people of various genders and races standing in a line while their hands are clasped together, and that’s about it.

Nation’s Moms Report You Were Best Part Of Whole Play | Sep 05 2014

According to a report by the National Opinion Resource Center, the nation’s moms claim that the best part of Hope Middle School’s production of “The Wizard of Oz” was definitely the part when you were on stage. “On behalf of all of the proud moms throughout the country, I would like to say that all the other kids did a really great job, but you were definitely the best part as the Mayor of Munchkin City, even better than that girl who played Dorothy and the boys who played the Tin Man and the Lion,” said one mom.

New Eco-Friendly Bottled Water Uses 100% Less Water | Sep 05 2014

As part of an effort to reduce its negative environmental effects, Deer Park has unveiled a brand new eco-friendly bottled water which uses 100% less water than other leading products. “Our bottled water has always been our most popular product, and we feel the need to bolster our role in the green revolution by entirely reducing the amount of water used in our bottles,” Deer Park CEO Jim Brown wrote in a press release, noting that the new bottled water would come in various sizes and would feature zero potable liquid inside.

Obama Figures That, All Things Considered, He’ll Still Probably Get a Monument | Sep 05 2014

Despite failing to bridge compromises between Democrats and Republicans in Congress, deploying controversial military drones, making minimal effort to curb the discriminatory war on drugs, and recently engaging in military action in Iraq, Obama supposes that he’ll still probably have a monument erected in his honor at some point.

Rave Yelp Review Inexplicably Awards Only Four Stars | Sep 05 2014

Sources report that users of the popular website Yelp were bewildered to find a rave review only award four stars to the local bistro The Flying Goose. “I just don’t get it. I’ve never read anyone write about a restaurant in such glowing terms,” said David Larkins, who stumbled upon the review when looking for a restaurant for dinner.

Secretary Of The Interior Spends Morning Restocking Pinecones In Yosemite | Sep 05 2014

Sources at the Department of the Interior confirm that U.S. Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell spent the entirety of last Monday morning restocking pinecones that had fallen or been picked from conifer branches in Yosemite National Park. “I handle a lot of paperwork everyday that gets funding for the parks and keeps loggers and poachers away from them,” reported Jewell as she tended to a Douglas fir.

Time He Takes To Respond To Texts Only Control Man Has Over Own Life | Sep 05 2014

Local man Joey Stanton’s only sense of power over his life reportedly comes from the amount of time he waits before responding to a texts from his friends and family members. Stanton, who spends approximately 60 hours a week catering to his boss’s whims and going along with whatever his friends and girlfriend want to do, feels immense pleasure when he waits for a few minutes before replying to a text.

Timothy Geithner Gets The Gang Back Together For One Last Job | Sep 05 2014

At a poolside meeting in a mansion outside of Las Vegas, former United States Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner convinced the crew to come out of retirement for one last job. “I’m talking about the biggest job since 2009,” said Geithner.

TV Show Apparently Takes Place In Post-Apocalyptic New York City Rebuilt To Look Exactly Like Vancouver | Sep 05 2014

According to reports from television watchers across the nation, the new CBS program “New York Diaries” apparently takes place in a post-apocalyptic New York City rebuilt to look exactly like Vancouver. “I had no idea how high premise this show is,” viewer Peter Blankenship said about the program, which evidently features a New York after the Empire State Building, Freedom Tower and Statue of Liberty had all been destroyed in some nuclear holocaust and replaced with buildings resembling those in the Canadian seaport city of Vancouver.

White House Confirms Targeted Killing Of American Citizens Only Weird If You Think About It | Sep 05 2014

According to reports from the White House press corps, executive officials confirmed today that the targeted killing of American citizens overseas is really only weird if you think about it. “If you stop and think about it, the idea that the President has power to authorize the killing of American citizens in international territory without due process and with impunity, as was the case with Anwar al-Awlaki and his son, will likely seem strange,” White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters.

“Capital In The Twenty-First Century” Right Next To “Magic Tree House #8” On Bookshelf | Sep 05 2014

Noting that the book has been sitting there for several weeks, sources confirmed today that Thomas Piketty’s “Capital In The Twenty-First Century” is right next to “Magic Tree House #8” on Cleveland resident Wallace Franco’s bookshelf. “I’ve been meaning to crack open that Piketty up there,” said Franco, who placed the thick academic work by the renowned French economist and professor directly next to one in a series of books designed for children between the ages of five and nine years old.

All Of Newly Single Woman’s Actions Symbolic | Sep 05 2014

Sources who have witnessed local woman Deanna Stahl confidently closing doors behind her and painting her nails red have confirmed that all of Stahl’s actions since ending her relationship with former boyfriend David Charney have been symbolic. Stahl’s every action—from putting on a shirt that Charney never liked that much, to buying a new blender—symbolize Stahl’s newfound independence and relationship status.

Man Stuck Under A Rock For Several Days Upset They Probably Won't Make Another Movie About This | Sep 05 2014

Darren Coleman, who recently spent over five days trapped under a boulder in Utah after a hiking accident, expressed worry that Hollywood had probably had its fill of inspirational stories about this sort of thing. Coleman, whose story bears a remarkable similarity to that of Aron Ralston, the mountain climber immortalized in the popular film 127 Hours, even had to resort to sawing off one of his own limbs with a dull two-inch knife, although it was Coleman’s left arm that was stuck between the chockstone and the wall of the ravine, and not his right.

New Meryl Streep Movie Probably Going To Pass The Fuck Out Of The Bechdel Test | Sep 05 2014

Movie critics and Meryl Streep fans alike are confident that Streep’s upcoming film ‘Suffragette’ is going to absolutely slay the Bechdel test, a measure of whether a film includes two women talking to each other about something other than a man.