The Brown Noser

Arts & Culture (Oct 31 2022 issue)

Area Man Wondering If Anyone Knows Song He Thinking Of, It Goes Like Bwawawawa, Bow Wow, Flaaaanggg | Oct 31 2022

Sources report area man Greg Shandy has been walking around all day approaching his friends asking if they can tell him the name of the song he’s thinking of; it goes like bwawawa, la la la, flang, flang. “Please please please, I need your help,” pleaded Shandy as he started miming sounds with his body, “it has sort of a bippity boppity melody? No? I think there’s this like post-contemporary mid-century mandolin solo? Agh, it goes sort of like yaooo yao yao yao, boodoobop, slaaaawwoooo!” “Can you google this sound for me?,” begged Shandy to his recoiling friends, “Wham bam bam wham, uh huh baby.

Reslife Replaces Housing Lottery With Direct Appeal To God | Oct 31 2022

In an attempt to streamline a process criticized by students as complex and inefficient, ResLife has announced that they have replaced the housing lottery with a direct appeal to God. “In order to secure housing for the 2023-2024 academic year, all you have to do is pray that it’ll work out,” wrote ResLife president Julie Bloomberg in an email to students.

Area Girl Ignores BeReal Notification Because She Not At Party Yet | Oct 31 2022

Sources report that area girl Sarah Miller is ignoring her BeReal because she’s not yet at a party. “Oh, I got a BeReal notification! I love how this app allows people to share their lives without the fakeness of Instagram and stuff,” said Miller, knowing full well she won’t take her BeReal until surrounded by acquaintances and bathed in colored light.

Student Who “Read An Article On This” Actually Watched TikTok | Oct 31 2022

Despite claiming to have read an article on this, Rodney Wilson has actually just watched a TikTok video. “Here are the top five things I would never try to sneak into Disneyland,” start- ed Wilson to his friends, “according to the New York Times...” “You guys won’t believe these secrets to a flat tummy and a fat dumpy that the Wall Street Journal just published,” he exclaimed to side eyes from his clique, all of whom have become aware of Wilson’s miscrediting “from a registered dietician.” “I’m writing a research paper, and the essay topic is cognitive development from birth to age five,” he explained, “I don’t see how ‘8 Things Bill Gates Did As A Baby’ is irrelevant information, especially when it comes from The Post.” At press time, another student who “loved that book” had actually just seen the movie..

Disney Channel Boyfriends Announce Plans To Wear Shirt On Top Of Other Shirt | Oct 31 2022

Popping kick-flips on their skate- boards before homeroom, TV’s Disney Channel boyfriends recently announced plans to wear a shirt on top of a different shirt. “I was originally just gonna wear one long-sleeved shirt, but then I saw this t- shirt and decided it would be pretty rad if I threw it on top,” said Disney boyfriend Chase Johnson, running a hand through his floppy, dyed-blond hair.

Nation's TV Moms Announce Plans to Clutch Mug, Tip Head to Side | Oct 31 2022

America’s TV Moms have just released their plans to hold their mug with both hands and lovingly tilt their head to the side. “We are just so proud of those kids,” said local mom Jean Mackintire as she leaned one arm against the countertop, “they just won’t stop growing up! I feel like it was only yesterday they were in diapers.

Momager Dropping Hints For Daughter To Hurry Up With First Scandal | Oct 31 2022

Sources report local momager Kristin Burbia keeps dropping hints for her daughter to hurry up and get on with her first scandal. For her daughter’s first return home since leaving the house, Burbia reportedly kept insinuating how happy it would make her to see her daughter take the plunge and commit some public impropriety.

Shitty Werewolf Has Pretty Average Libido | Oct 31 2022

Sources report that area werewolf Adolphus Shadow has a pretty average libido. “Every girlfriend I’ve ever been with expects me to be raring to go every day, but I’m more of a 2-3 times a week kind of guy,” said Shadow, expressing his medium level of interest in ravishing buxom women by the light of the moon.