The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Apr 25 2014 issue)

UCS Places 12th At Mock Student Government Competition | Apr 25 2014

The Undergraduate Council of Students placed 12th this year at the annual Mock Student Government Conference, falling behind the Cornell Student Assembly by a wide margin, but eking out a hard-fought victory over the University of Phoenix Forum Moderators.

Thrifty Fisherman’s Daughter Fashions Prom Dress Using Day’s Catch | Apr 25 2014

Taking pains to cleanly sew together the still-floundering bass and yellowtail, thrifty fisherman’s daughter Jane Wilson is currently fashioning a prom dress using the day’s catch, sources confirmed Monday. “I knew I wouldn’t be able to afford a regular dress, so I just decided to get creative and attach several pounds of fish together using my tailoring kit,” said Wilson as she held up the dress-shaped haberdashery of live aquatic animals to check her progress.

DPS Busts Human Sacrifice Club For Candle Possession | Apr 25 2014

Department of Public Safety officers shut down the Brown Human Sacrifice Club’s weekly ceremony last night after receiving an anonymous tip that the group had several unauthorized candles present at the event. “We’re lucky we got there when we did,” said Officer Jane Dougherty, who interrupted the service after the first of that week’s student offerings had been slain, but before any of the candles—classified by the University as a severe fire hazard—had the chance to set the Kasper Multipurpose Room ablaze.

Julius Chronoton Brought To Justice, Stripped Of Tenure | Apr 25 2014

Professor of Africana Studies and Time Sheriff <a href="http://thenoser.com/staff/Julius-Chronoton>Julius Chronoton</a> has finally been brought to justice, the authorities report. Stripped of his tenure and set to Temporal Prison for the rest of his life, the meddling scholar, activist, and chrononaut’s subversive mischief has, at last, come to an end.

Ratty Date Going Poorly, Report Surrounding Tables | Apr 25 2014

Sources inside the Sharpe Refectory confirm that the lunch date between those two students is not going well at all. “The way he pulled out her chair for her was pretty cute, but it’s gone downhill from there,” reported Sally Caldwell ’16, seated at a table to the right of the couple.

Student Can’t Stop Procrastinating On LinkedIn | Apr 25 2014

With growing concerns that he will not finish his seven-page paper on time, anthropology concentrator Alan Chavez ’15 claims he is unable to focus on his schoolwork because he keeps getting distracted by the professional networking site, LinkedIn.

Student Cautiously Writes “Symbolism?” In Margin Of Book | Apr 25 2014

Sources indicate that while reading “The Grapes of Wrath” for a comparative literature course this Wednesday, Victor Shanahan ‘16 cautiously wrote “Symbolism?” in the margin of the book. After initially highlighting only half of the adjacent paragraph, Shanahan proceeded to mark the entire passage, underlining many of the nouns and verbs according to no immediately discernible criteria.

Student Unknowingly Protesting Future Employer | Apr 25 2014

Andrew Friedman ’15 was recently seen protesting the multibillion-dollar conglomerate that he will someday call his employer. The demonstration was held to speak out against the egregious violations of human rights, environmental standards, and federal trade regulations routinely committed by the company that Friedman will soon commute to five days a week without a second thought.

Students Interested In Dumb Thing Form Stupid Club You Wouldn’t Want to Join Even If They Wanted You To | Apr 25 2014

Students at your school interested in a dumb thing started a club to appreciate that dumb thing and even if they would invite you to join them you wouldn’t, because that’s how dumb they all are. The “Dumb Stupid Worthless Thing Club,” as they should probably call it instead of whatever stupid name they gave it, was started last month by a group of bored idiots who you wouldn’t want to hang out with anyway.

Very Fancy Man Sports 36-Piece Suit | Apr 25 2014

Dilbert Getting Really Tired Of This Shit | Apr 25 2014

Dilbert’s coworkers have reported that recently it seems like Dilbert is fed up with the gross incompetency, micromanagement and soul crushing bureaucracy of his work place. After years of working hard despite the clear disinterest and even disdain of middle and upper management, Dilbert is beginning to believe that no matter what he does he will be stuck in his dead end job forever.

Experimental Pop-Up Nation To Close At End Of Month | Apr 25 2014

Experimental pop-up nation West Zagreb, the new territory in northern Croatia that became an underground sensation, will be closing its doors at month’s end, according to reports. “West Zagreb has really changed the flavor of the neighborhood since it popped up a few weeks ago,” said Lara Petrov, former Croatian.

New Study Finds People Are Inherently Good Until One Small Mistake Sends Them Spinning Down Self-Destructive Path | Apr 25 2014

A new study released by the Pew Research Center found that people are naturally well-behaved and moral until one small incident sends them winding down a self-destructive path for the rest of their lives. The study concluded that if people can avoid that one small mistake, they will continue living happy, successful lives until they die.

Study: 100% Of Musicians Named Paul Simon Wrote, Recorded "Graceland" | Apr 25 2014

According to a study released today by the Pew Research Center, 100 percent of American musicians named Paul Simon wrote and recorded the Grammy Award-winning 1986 album, “Graceland.” “We have conducted exhaustive research in the field of Paul Simon’s discography and have found definitively that every musician born Paul Frederic Simon in Newark, N.J., created and produced the classic album ‘Graceland,’” lead researcher Michelle Patterson said, noting that 0 percent of musicians with the names Carl Dunbar or Michael Jefferies wrote or recorded any of the tracks featured on the world music-inflected pop classic.