Area man Jeremy Lynndoff guilty withdrew his finger from his nose while scrolling through the news Friday night, eyewitnesses report. The abrupt moment of self-awareness, and rapid extraction of a finger from his nasal passageway, came while reading a particularly grim New York Times article.
With the COVID-19 pandemic putting millions of lives in danger and sending multitudes of students home to be quarantined with their families, your dad happily reported that the two of you will finally have time to finish that birdhouse.
“It’s all about finding the silver linings,” your dad said as he dusted off the half-finished birdhouse that you started building when you were twelve and abandoned two weeks later.
Action movie protagonist Steele McAdams stated that “evil never wins” in a recent film that netted the Weinstein company $50 million.
“There is good, and there is evil. I fight for good,” said McAdams as his movie fed millions of dollars directly to Harvey Weinstein and his abettors.
Meeting his best friend for the first time in while, local straight guy Chris White artfully reminded everyone of his heterosexuality by accentuating the friendly embrace with several mid-hug thumps on the back.
“Hey man! Long time no see,” said White as he embraced his friend, sneaking in a few solid thumps to eliminate any undertones of homosexuality.
Staring in awe as local hot guy John Steel confidently strutted down the street, onlookers agreed that he is clearly the protagonist of everyone else’s life.
“With looks like that, there’s no way he was meant to be a background character, or even a wacky supporting character,” said wizened mentor-type Harrison McGuffy.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
