In an effort to facilitate vaccine distribution, Brown’s Department of Medieval Studies recommended last Tuesday that students alchemize their own vaccines using household eye of newt, thoroughwort elixir, and myrrh.
“Shoulde herd immunitee bee what thee seeke, into thine own alchemical laboratoree thee must peeke,” said chair of Medieval Studies Peter Antwerp, urging students to harness the power of alchemical transmutation in the fight against COVID-19.
Sources report that local white family the McKinnons have given Ryan, their German Shepherd, the only normal name in the household.
“Ryan has been and always will be a source of love and happiness in this family,” said Kennaugh McKinnon, who, with his wife Oaklynn, named his children using strings of nonsense syllables.
According to other members of his prehistoric tribe of early hominids, Khork — a skilled hunter — really gives off major gatherer vibes. “It so hilarious! Cavepeople stay thinking Khork gatherer! Maybe it the pattern on Khork loincloth?” grunted Khork with a tone of voice that to other cavepeople totally makes it seem like he enjoys scavenging for seeds and nuts.
Helpless bystanders reported Thursday that Glock Brandish, a superhero whose power is using a gun, is really upstaging the rest of his superteam.
“The Necronomic Order has been terrorizing New Metropolis for months now, and the Anointed Gauntlet superteam keeps coming to our city’s defense,” commented citizen and terrified bystander Philip Spacek as he glanced nervously between surrounding skyscrapers.
According to a press release from The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce, multiple puppets have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame while you, a human, do not.
“It’s pretty insane when you think about it,” the release said, highlighting the fact that your achievements are apparently not as impressive as those of multiple puppets.
Gil Caribou, an actor in a Providence-based Shakespeare company, is excited to make the material feel modern by air-humping at all the sex lines.
“I’m really looking forward to making some bold choices this season,” said Caribou of his choice do some gross body movements whenever a character refers to sex.
As my undergraduate experience comes to a close, I hear the big wide world beyond Brown calling my name. I am eager to start doing meaningful work, to move to a new city, and to begin the rest of my life. However, there is one thing which I will refuse to give up when I leave the Van Wickle Gates.
Hey, it’s been pretty cool hanging out with our pod every weekend. I know you take COVID seriously; I do too. According to CDC guidelines, it minimizes your risk to have a tight pod of people who you socialize with. So I think it would be the safest option for everyone if we hooked up right now.