The Brown Noser

Medieval Studies Dept. Recommends Alchemizing Own Vaccine With Household Eye Of Newt, Thoroughwort Elixir, Myrrh

In an effort to facilitate vaccine distribution, Brown’s Department of Medieval Studies recommended last Tuesday that students alchemize their own vaccines using household eye of newt, thoroughwort elixir, and myrrh. “Shoulde herd immunitee bee what thee seeke, into thine own alchemical laboratoree thee must peeke,” said chair of Medieval Studies Peter Antwerp, urging students to harness the power of alchemical transmutation in the fight against COVID-19.

Student Choking On Chicken Bone Can’t Wait For Ratty To Reopen So He Can Get Heimlich

Sophomore Matt Tooney reportedly can’t wait for the Ratty to reopen as he is currently choking on a chicken bone and would like to get the Heimlich. “Aaaack! Chhhaga chugh chaugh!” remarked Tooney, fondly remembering better days at Brown, back when the Ratty was open and when he did not have a chicken bone in his throat.

19th Century Japanese Ukiyo-e Master Always Hoped His Work Would End Up In Freshman Dorm Room Above Toiletry Basket

According to recently unearthed documents, 19th century Japanese ukiyo-e master Hokusai always hoped that his art would end up in a freshman dorm room above a toiletry basket. “My greatest wish is for my work to adorn the rooms of college freshmen at liberal arts institutions across the United States,” wrote Hokusai in a journal entry, adding that he would be especially pleased if freshmen’s cheap prints were hung just above their grimy bins of shampoo and shaving cream.

From The Archives: This Day In History

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Brown Can Pry My Kanopy Account From My Cold Dead Hands

As my undergraduate experience comes to a close, I hear the big wide world beyond Brown calling my name. I am eager to start doing meaningful work, to move to a new city, and to begin the rest of my life. However, there is one thing which I will refuse to give up when I leave the Van Wickle Gates.

It Would Probably Be A Public Health Hazard If We DIDN’T Hook Up Right Now by Guy in Your Pod

Hey, it’s been pretty cool hanging out with our pod every weekend. I know you take COVID seriously; I do too. According to CDC guidelines, it minimizes your risk to have a tight pod of people who you socialize with. So I think it would be the safest option for everyone if we hooked up right now.

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White Family Gives Dog Only Normal Name In Household

Sources report that local white family the McKinnons have given Ryan, their German Shepherd, the only normal name in the household. “Ryan has been and always will be a source of love and happiness in this family,” said Kennaugh McKinnon, who, with his wife Oaklynn, named his children using strings of nonsense syllables.

Hunter Gives Off Major Gatherer Vibes

According to other members of his prehistoric tribe of early hominids, Khork — a skilled hunter — really gives off major gatherer vibes. “It so hilarious! Cavepeople stay thinking Khork gatherer! Maybe it the pattern on Khork loincloth?” grunted Khork with a tone of voice that to other cavepeople totally makes it seem like he enjoys scavenging for seeds and nuts.

Superhero With Gun Really Upstaging Rest Of Superteam

Helpless bystanders reported Thursday that Glock Brandish, a superhero whose power is using a gun, is really upstaging the rest of his superteam. “The Necronomic Order has been terrorizing New Metropolis for months now, and the Anointed Gauntlet superteam keeps coming to our city’s defense,” commented citizen and terrified bystander Philip Spacek as he glanced nervously between surrounding skyscrapers.

Report: Multiple Puppets Have Star On Hollywood Walk Of Fame And You Do Not

According to a press release from The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce, multiple puppets have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame while you, a human, do not. “It’s pretty insane when you think about it,” the release said, highlighting the fact that your achievements are apparently not as impressive as those of multiple puppets.

Actor In Shakespeare Play Excited to Air-Hump At All the Sex Lines

Gil Caribou, an actor in a Providence-based Shakespeare company, is excited to make the material feel modern by air-humping at all the sex lines. “I’m really looking forward to making some bold choices this season,” said Caribou of his choice do some gross body movements whenever a character refers to sex.

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Man With Scar Arrives To Collect Firstborn Child As Per Apple Privacy Terms And Agreements

Shortly after Melissa and Steven Withers welcomed their first baby into the world, a man with a scar arrived to collect the child as per the Apple privacy terms and agreements. “The clause appears in subsection 19 on page 497 and stipulates the surrender of our first heir or heiress on the eve of its birth,” said Steven Withers, skimming through the online contract he signed four months prior.

Nation Marks Anniversary Of Shutdown With Commemorative New COVID Strain

As the first anniversary of the nation’s pandemic shutdown approaches, the United States has unveiled a commemorative new COVID strain to mark the solemn occasion. “To pay tribute to the difficult year we’ve all endured, we’re launching a brand new COVID-19 strain for a limited time only,” said Dr.

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