The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Mar 12 2021 issue)

Medieval Studies Dept. Recommends Alchemizing Own Vaccine With Household Eye Of Newt, Thoroughwort Elixir, Myrrh | Mar 12 2021

In an effort to facilitate vaccine distribution, Brown’s Department of Medieval Studies recommended last Tuesday that students alchemize their own vaccines using household eye of newt, thoroughwort elixir, and myrrh. “Shoulde herd immunitee bee what thee seeke, into thine own alchemical laboratoree thee must peeke,” said chair of Medieval Studies Peter Antwerp, urging students to harness the power of alchemical transmutation in the fight against COVID-19.

Student Choking On Chicken Bone Can’t Wait For Ratty To Reopen So He Can Get Heimlich | Mar 12 2021

Sophomore Matt Tooney reportedly can’t wait for the Ratty to reopen as he is currently choking on a chicken bone and would like to get the Heimlich. “Aaaack! Chhhaga chugh chaugh!” remarked Tooney, fondly remembering better days at Brown, back when the Ratty was open and when he did not have a chicken bone in his throat.

19th Century Japanese Ukiyo-e Master Always Hoped His Work Would End Up In Freshman Dorm Room Above Toiletry Basket | Mar 12 2021

According to recently unearthed documents, 19th century Japanese ukiyo-e master Hokusai always hoped that his art would end up in a freshman dorm room above a toiletry basket. “My greatest wish is for my work to adorn the rooms of college freshmen at liberal arts institutions across the United States,” wrote Hokusai in a journal entry, adding that he would be especially pleased if freshmen’s cheap prints were hung just above their grimy bins of shampoo and shaving cream.

From The Archives: This Day In History | Mar 12 2021

Animated Conversation With Worker At COVID Testing Site Definitive Proof You Actually Friendly Person | Mar 12 2021

According to a new study, having just one animated conversation with a worker at one of Brown University’s COVID-19 testing sites is definitive proof that you are a friendly person after all. “These events are not flukes,” reported head researcher Dr.

BDH Article’s Stock Photo Great Reminder Of What Brown Looks Like | Mar 12 2021

Perusing a recent BDH article titled “Administration Approves 2022 Budget,” Sam Ruffalo ‘21 reported that the attached University Hall stock photo was a great reminder of what Brown looks like. “Thanks to that picture of University Hall, not only am I reminded of exactly what our campus looks like, but I also have a much, much better sense of the article’s contents,” said Ruffalo, grateful for such journalistic precision.

Brita Filter Only Thing Standing Between Students And Catastrophic Wave Of Dysentery | Mar 12 2021

Despite Rhode Island’s heavy investment in water treatment facilities, cheap, plastic Brita Filters remain the only thing standing between students and a catastrophic wave of dysentery. “I bought one since everyone said I should,” said freshman Aiden Tivoli, blissfully unaware of the dysentery, cholera, blue shadow virus, and lead plaguing Providence’s water pipes.

Brown Mailroom Spotify Playlist Closest Thing To Rager Freshman Has Ever Experienced | Mar 12 2021

Sources report that the Brown mailroom playlist is the closest thing to a rager that freshman Tyler Jenkins has ever experienced. “It was a wild mid-afternoon,” said Jenkins, excitedly recounting the only approximation of a party now available.

Club Excited To Announce Dinky Little Podcast | Mar 12 2021

Publicizing their new project in a Facebook post liked by two followers, Architects@Brown is reportedly excited to announce that they’re starting a dinky little podcast. “We’re so excited to finally release our brand new podcast for everyone to hear,” the Facebook post announced, providing a link to their dopey first episode clearly recorded with a cheapo laptop microphone.

Indy Only Publishing In Lowercase Now | Mar 12 2021

As part of a recent suite of organizational overhauls, The College Hill Independent announced Wednesday that it will only be publishing in lowercase from now on. “Going forward, every letter in our paper will be in a tasteful, delicate lowercase,” said managing editor August Brinton, explaining that the use of ugly capital letters is not consistent with the Indy’s values.

Main Green Bicyclist Blissfully Unaware Other People Exist | Mar 12 2021

Cutting his bike through a pack of students on the Main Green, Jeremy McIntosh ‘23 was blissfully unaware of the fact that other people exist. “On days like today, I just like to hop on my bike, feel that sweet Providence breeze, and go wherever the road takes me,” said McIntosh as he nearly steamrolled an elderly couple.

OMAC Testing Center Devolves Into Chaos After DOB Incorrect On Student Barcode | Mar 12 2021

In a scene marred by heavy smoke from on-fire printers, a terrified medical staff, and debris from a collapsing ceiling, the OMAC COVID Testing Center has devolved into a state of unbridled chaos after a student’s date of birth was listed incorrectly on her barcode sheet.

Omni Dry Cleaning Godsend For Sophomore Who Only Wears Three Piece Suits | Mar 12 2021

According to sophomore Buxton Hucklebee, the dry cleaning service at the Omni Hotel has been a godsend because he only wears three-piece suits. “Before I moved into the Omni, I spent hours cleaning my three-piece suits every week," said Hucklebee, buttoning his tweed waistcoat as he prepared to log onto Zoom.

Person Selling Houseplants On Brown Buying And Selling Like Plants Not Outside For Free | Mar 12 2021

Perplexing many of his Facebook friends, Brad Williams ’21 was recently trying to sell plants on Brown Buying and Selling like plants are not outside for free. “I’m sorry… but has Brad ever been outside?” said Dmetri Sheridan ’22, who was flummoxed by his classmate’s attempt to peddle easily-obtainable objects on Facebook.

Professor Really Going Out On Limb With Fuck, Marry, Kill Icebreaker | Mar 12 2021

Reflecting on yesterday’s ANTH 1460 class, Lucy Buckley ’22 reported that her professor was really going out on a limb with that “Fuck, Marry, Kill” icebreaker. “I get that it’s nice to loosen things up a bit, but this may not have been the way to go,” said Buckley, commenting on her professor’s surprising move to have each student express their innermost carnal fantasies about one another.

Professor’s Office Hours Whenever Wind Whistles Through The Old Elm Tree | Mar 12 2021

According to her page on the department website, Adjunct Professor of English Constance Hunting holds office hours whenever the wind whistles through the old elm tree near her office. “There were no times listed on the syllabus,” explained Sam Arnold, a junior in Professor Hunting’s “Time, Place, and Pain in Fiction” seminar.

Pulitzer Prize Winner Donna Tartt Hoping To Finally Be Allowed Into Lit Arts Class Next Semester | Mar 12 2021

Donna Tartt, Pulitzer Prize-winning author of The Goldfinch, is hoping to finally be allowed into a Literary Arts class next semester, sources report. “I’ve been submitting writing samples for several semesters now,” said Ms. Tartt, whose books have sold over 10 million copies in the last thirty years.

Report: Noser Readership Down 70% After We’re Not Allowed To Forcibly Hand You One | Mar 12 2021

In a testament to the effects of COVID-19, a new report shows that Brown Noser readership is down 70 percent since we are no longer allowed to forcibly hand them to you as you walk around campus. “Foot traffic of our target demographics — ignorant passersby, bored Ratty patrons, curious freshmen — has decreased by over 80 percent since last March,” the report finds.

Senior Talking About GCB Like It Lost City Of Atlantis | Mar 12 2021

Sources report that Maya Brooksfield ’21 is talking about the GCB as if it were the lost city of Atlantis. “With its vast selection of alcohols, visitors would flock to the GCB from all across campus,” said Brooksfield, speaking about the campus bar like it was a mythical empire lost in the depths of the ocean.

Stray A Cappella Singer Spotted Under Wayland Arch Signals Arrival Of Spring | Mar 12 2021

After a stray member of a cappella group The Bear Necessities was spotted under Wayland Arch, sources have reported that spring has officially begun. “I was walking home when I saw a flurry of movement in the corner of my eye,” recalled senior Damon Seifert, recounting his chance sighting of the wandering baritone Tuesday night.

“I’m Sorry, But That’s Just What I Think,” Says Person With Entirely Uncontroversial Opinion | Mar 12 2021

After stating an opinion so common that it’s almost fact, Caroline Miller ’22 came forward yesterday with an apology. “I’m sorry, but that’s just what I think,” Miller said in a self-serving effort to quash the nonexistent crowd of dissenters.

Public Policy Student Really Gets Off On Remembering Senators' Names | Mar 12 2021

Public Policy student Andrew Richardson ’21.5 really seems to get off on remembering the names of Senators, sources report. “Obviously all the deciding votes this term will be cast by Joe Manchin, but you might be able to get a vote across the aisle like Susan Collins or even a Pat Toomey if you’re lucky,” Richardson reportedly said unprompted in one conversation, clearly satisfied with his wealth of knowledge about what multiple specific Senators are named.

Student With Ethnic Name Picked Last In Zoom Popcorn Introduction | Mar 12 2021

In her Lit Arts seminar last month, a Brown university student with an ethnic-sounding name was unsurprisingly picked last in a Zoom popcorn introduction. “I can’t prove my name’s the reason, but no matter how big the class, I’m always last,” said sophomore Ahn Nguyen, whose name is one of the most common in the world and very simple to pronounce.

"Rhode Island Beaches Are Rocky And Coffee Milk Sucks!" Shouts Former Governor Raimondo From Safety Of New DC Office | Mar 12 2021

Releasing years of frustration from her time as Governor of Rhode Island, incoming Commerce Secretary Gina Raimondo has been reportedly shouting complaints about her home state at the top of her lungs from the safety of her new D.C. office. “Coffee milk is terrible and all the beaches are too rocky!” Raimondo yelled to no one in particular, feeling an excited chill from the sound of her own voice echoing off the empty walls of her secluded Department of Commerce office suite.

YouTube Algorithm Radicalizing Woman Into Militant Yarn Hobbyist | Mar 12 2021

Prioritizing content with increasingly extreme points of view, YouTube’s video recommendation algorithm is reportedly radicalizing local woman Lorraine Crandus into a militant yarn hobbyist. “It started off innocuous enough — I was pleasantly surprised when she made me a winter hat,” said Lorraine’s concerned sister Deb, who feels like she’s losing a loved one to the growing online contingent of yarn-fueled extremists.

Transportation Secretary Buttigieg Vows To Combat National Crisis Of Dames Tied To Train Tracks | Mar 12 2021

Emphasizing the critical need for swift action at the highest levels of government, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg vowed to combat the national crisis of dames tied to train tracks in a recent press conference. “People all across our nation are hurting — particularly the thousands of damsels in distress who are tied to our railways every year,” Buttigieg told gathered members of the press, noting solemnly that the past few months have seen more and more women helplessly roped down in the way of fast approaching steam engines.

University COVID Policy Now Just Hoping Outbreak Happens After Finals | Mar 12 2021

Russell Carey, Executive Vice President for Planning and Policy, has confirmed that the University’s COVID policy is now just hoping that the inevitable outbreak happens after finals period. “I’m not entirely sure how we made it this far, to be honest, so I think we’re just gonna go ahead and hope that whatever has saved us from a full-on outbreak keeps on going until all the kids leave,” Carey said, adding that the University has adopted a strong COVID mitigation strategy of squeezing their eyelids tight and hoping as hard as they can.

Verily Would Like To Remind You To Shape The Fuck Up And Schedule Your God Damn Appointment You Irresponsible Shit | Mar 12 2021

After sophomore Lilly Botsby went a week without getting a COVID-19 test, Verily sent her an email reminder to shape the fuck up and schedule her God damn appointment. “Our records show that, as of 8:00AM this morning, you have not completed a routine COVID-19 test in the past four days, you irresponsible shit,” read the email.

Vice President Estes Breaks Up Oversized Pod By Spreading Toxic Rumors About Chris And Katie | Mar 12 2021

In response to reports of oversized freshman pods, Vice President for Campus Life Eric Estes has broken up an outsized friend group by spreading toxic rumors about Chris and Katie. “He sent us this long, official email,” said Norman Isham, a member of the friend group.