Miserably pretending to enjoy the screeches and squawks emitted from Jefferson Elementary’s auditorium stage, parent Julius Tube reported that his son’s fifth grade orchestra was actually doing a horrible job.
“This is really, really awful.
Seeing a plane approach alongside him, a goose just realized that if he wanted to, he could totally fly into the engine and take down the entire 747. “Oh my God, I can’t believe I just thought to do that, what the hell?” honked the goose aloud to himself, shocked and scared at where his mind wandered for a brief moment.
After hearing a loud thump downstairs, area man Mr. Angus Scruggs reported, w-who’s there? “H-hello? Is anyone down there?” asked Scruggs, putting on a velvet robe over his nightshirt and sleeping cap in preparation for going downstairs. “I’m w-warning you! When I get down there, there better not be a hooligan stealing my antique silver or bejeweled finery.
After laying the philosophical groundwork for the next two millennia, ancient philosopher Byonacles was about to end his hot streak by saying that dogs are what happens when horses are born at night.
“They have four legs just like a horse but they look so mean with their sharp teeth and mean is dark like the night,” muttered Byonacles to himself, pacing around a humid cellar where in only a few short moments he will conceive an absolute dud of a theory.
Residents of Spruce Street in Barrington report that they are constantly being woken by an annoying-ass bird which wants nothing but to herald fine mornings with its jubilant song. “Can that thing just shut up?” said Evan Prendor, as the sparrow outside his window sang in clear, sweet tones of the coming of a fresh day upon this verdant earth.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
