Lazareuth Dowl ‘15 is terrified by his parents’ return to campus in late October after his mother and father spent all of move-in weekend embarrassing him by making awkward interruptions, publicly cleaning food off his face and viciously attacking his hallmates’ ankles.
The mood was upbeat across campus yesterday, thanks to the overwhelmingly alive, dumpster-free condition of Brown sophomores. The 99.97 percent non-dumpster survival rate put the university within 0.03 percent of matching an all-time high.
Department of Public Safety officials, who found bits of Steve Davison ’14 protruding from a dumpster yesterday morning, hailed the news of another successful day.
The bottom dropped out of Elliot Thomas’s ’13 stomach when he walked into PHIL1210: “Material Wealth and the Impoverished Soul” and realized the hobo he had regularly avoided on Thayer Street for the past two years was Professor Emeritus of Philosophy Anthony Lawrence.
WOOOOO COLLEGE! I freakin’ love this! I swear I’m partying, like, every night. In high school, I would have been asleep three hours ago, but instead I’m pounding back beers on the basement floor of Keeney. Life has never been better!
Greetings! With the beginning of each new academic year, my slowly-decomposing heart smiles with pride. As we are now entering yet another year of learning and enlightenment here at Brown University, I’d like to take this opportunity to address some rumors that have been circulating for the past 248 years about my means of founding this prestigious university.
In a recent development in the Rebecca Skylar abduction case, 8-year-old kidnapper Billy Hawser released a video in which he brandished a shiny pistol at a flustered Skylar and demanded a ransom of “one bajillion dollars.”
Half of a juicy watermelon sliced into thick but not-too-thick triangles single-handedly kept the Paterson biannual family reunion on Saturday from erupting into fits of yelling and physical scuffles about Dan’s new wife Cheryl, Grandpa Martin’s will and how everyone knows Michelle is probably having an affair with that protein-guzzling Mike guy from her gym but is scared to tell her husband Henry because they don’t know if he could handle it since he picked up a drinking problem when his and Dan’s father died.
According to a report recently released by the CIA, elderly Providence resident Lionel Earle has been waging a secret war against everyone for as long as 25 years. The CIA reported that Earle first declared war on the “’goddamn college kid neighbors’ who played their ‘loud raps music’ so that he couldn’t sleep” back in 1986. Shortly thereafter, Earle’s war grew to include “all the ‘dumb-ass lard-heads on his street,’ and from there it escalated to the national level.”
Brown students know that the start of September signals the last few weeks of beautiful, warm weather. But hikers and beach bums take heed: Providence ophthalmologist Dr. David McCondry says that if we spend all month enjoying the great outdoors, we run the risk of getting too much of a good thing. Excessive exposure to sunlight may transform our fun times into terrible ones, McCondry suggests, by transforming our eyes into suns.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
