The mood was upbeat across campus yesterday, thanks to the overwhelmingly alive, dumpster-free condition of Brown sophomores. The 99.97 percent non-dumpster survival rate put the university within 0.03 percent of matching an all-time high.
Department of Public Safety officials, who found bits of Steve Davison ’14 protruding from a dumpster yesterday morning, hailed the news of another successful day.
After a two-millennium sabbatical, the resurrected Son of God addressed a crowd of modern Jerusalemites from atop an apple crate.
The bottom dropped out of Elliot Thomas’s ’13 stomach when he walked into PHIL1210: “Material Wealth and the Impoverished Soul” and realized the hobo he had regularly avoided on Thayer Street for the past two years was Professor Emeritus of Philosophy Anthony Lawrence.
The big news circulating around campus this fall is the future of the relationship between Danny Zuko ’13 and Sandy Olsen ’13, which is reported to have begun this past summer as a series of trysts over many “summer nights.”
Last Sunday, it was reported that Keeney resident Ross O’Neal ‘15 woke up to breakfast in bed. However, as O’Neal remained hungry for love that morning, the Cereal from the preceding night did not return the sentiment.