The Brown Noser

Freshman Raised By Wolves Dreading Parents Weekend

Lazareuth Dowl ‘15 is terrified by his parents’ return to campus in late October after his mother and father spent all of move-in weekend embarrassing him by making awkward interruptions, publicly cleaning food off his face and viciously attacking his hallmates’ ankles.

I Drank Too Much and Need to Barf By Freshman Student

WOOOOO COLLEGE! I freakin’ love this! I swear I’m partying, like, every night. In high school, I would have been asleep three hours ago, but instead I’m pounding back beers on the basement floor of Keeney. Life has never been better!

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99.97 Percent of Sophomore Bodies Not Found Dead In Dumpster

The mood was upbeat across campus yesterday, thanks to the overwhelmingly alive, dumpster-free condition of Brown sophomores. The 99.97 percent non-dumpster survival rate put the university within 0.03 percent of matching an all-time high. Department of Public Safety officials, who found bits of Steve Davison ’14 protruding from a dumpster yesterday morning, hailed the news of another successful day.

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Adorable 8-Year-Old Kidnapper Demands $1 Bajillion Ransom

In a recent development in the Rebecca Skylar abduction case, 8-year-old kidnapper Billy Hawser released a video in which he brandished a shiny pistol at a flustered Skylar and demanded a ransom of “one bajillion dollars.”

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Ivy Room Snags Falafel-Making Prodigy

The most anticipated deal of the 2011 Dining Services offseason was completed Monday night as wunderkind wrap-maker Andrea Solisch ‘15 announced that she had reached an agreement in principle to sign an exclusive three-year, $17,000 contract with the Ivy Room.

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Resurrected Jesus Disappointed In Modern Falafel

After a two-millennium sabbatical, the resurrected Son of God addressed a crowd of modern Jerusalemites from atop an apple crate.

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