Dudes and ladies, it's Chad Myers reporting-the My-Man! I know you've been holding your breath waiting to hear my take on the summer's illest jams, so let's get it started!
Long story short, some turd spilled a Natty on my iPod at an epic end-of-summer rager, so I had to borrow my younger sister's.
To the delight of their sycophantic fan base, the jam band of choice for the smelliest, grimiest, most obnoxious, scum-of-the-earth, neo-hippie douche-bags ever to light a stick of patchouli, Phish, announced plans to return to the stage for a 2009 tour after a 5 year hiatus.
Families on Sesame Street complained this month that Congress' $700 billion bailout plan will do nothing to ease their woes in the recent financial crisis.
Community Spokesmuppet Big Bird blamed the two Presidential Candidates for their inability to publicize the scope of the crisis.
In a surprising departure from its typical practices of manufacturing soft drinks and abusing human rights in Colombia, The Coca-Cola Company has announced it will soon roll out a new drink to compete for the coveted "Booze and Lime Lovers" demographic.
"For years, children worldwide and across
the planet have enjoyed the mediocre, watered-down taste of Sprite," said Coca-Cola CEO Muhtar Kent.
"I know it sounds crazy, but just hear me out," Peter Walsh '12 pleads. "I am 50-70% sure that my roommate is masturbating."
Walsh, an only child who has never shared living quarters prior to his first semester at Brown, first suspected that his roommate Aniket began, "giving himself hand jobs" a mere two weeks after they moved in together.