The Brown Noser

Brown Freshman Saving Her Virginity for Any Guy at a Frat Party Who's Wearing a Polo Shirt

Cynthia Labium '12, like all incoming freshmen, eagerly awaited her matriculation at an Ivy League institution this fall. But for her, the most exciting prospect was entering the ranks of the sexually experienced. She expected her costly college education to teach her the working definitions of words such as "missionary" and "carpet cleaner.

The New Jonas Brothers Album is Fricken Sick!...I Mean, It's Kinda Chill I Guess

Dudes and ladies, it's Chad Myers reporting-the My-Man! I know you've been holding your breath waiting to hear my take on the summer's illest jams, so let's get it started! Long story short, some turd spilled a Natty on my iPod at an epic end-of-summer rager, so I had to borrow my younger sister's.

Phish Phans Rejoice, Annoy the Phuck Out of Everyone Else

To the delight of their sycophantic fan base, the jam band of choice for the smelliest, grimiest, most obnoxious, scum-of-the-earth, neo-hippie douche-bags ever to light a stick of patchouli, Phish, announced plans to return to the stage for a 2009 tour after a 5 year hiatus.

Candidates' Emphasis on Wall St., Main St. Leaves Sesame Street Overlooked

Families on Sesame Street complained this month that Congress' $700 billion bailout plan will do nothing to ease their woes in the recent financial crisis. Community Spokesmuppet Big Bird blamed the two Presidential Candidates for their inability to publicize the scope of the crisis.

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Point: These New Crocs are Totally Kickass!

Point: These New Crocs are Totally Kickass! By Chris Daniels Hey, I couldn't help but notice you were looking at my feet. Don't worry you're not the only one. I'd probably be looking at my feet too if I were you, because, as you no doubt have already noticed, these Crocs are totally kickass! I know they may look a bit odd at first, but take my word for it: nothing equals the comfort of Crocs.

Dear Chris

Dear Chris, There's so much pressure to donate blood, but I just don't want to. What do you think about blood drives? -Harold Spade Harold, I love donating blood. I'm just really good at it, I don't particularly like to save people.

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Male Student Taking Women's Studies Course to Meet Girls Overlooked Possibility of Lesbianism

KINGSTON, RI - University of Rhode Island student Pat Kaufman was faced with a startling realization Monday when it came to light that a disproportionate percentage of the students in his Women's Studies course were gay. "Yea, so, there aren't many chicks in my engineering classes and I figured I'd take Women's Studies to kind of get a feel for the playing field, so to speak," Kaufman said.

Student Enters FishCo Looking for Lobster, Leaves with Crabs

FishCo. Many think of it as a vivid illustration of roaring Providence nightlife. To some, the mere name evokes fond memories of not remembering what happened that one night. To others, FishCo represents that time that you got 'groped' by a scary man with a weird moustache.

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CIT to Close While Andy van Dam Undergoes Construction

The Thomas J. Watson, Sr., Center for Information Technology (CIT) will be shut down next week while the university performs construction on long-standing Professor Andy van Dam. The university suspects that the project may take one to three months. "We just can't tell at the moment how long it'll be until we can get things back up and running," said Construction Manager Ted Foreman.

CERN Supercollider Could Create Giant Asshole

The latest equations and theories by nuclear physicists indicate that the Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest particle accelerator used by CERN to study high-energy particle interactions, may in fact create a huge asshole. "We have discovered that the result of smashing the right particles together at nearly the speed of light, could very well be an asshole," said one leading scientist who spoke on condition of anonymity because he might be wrong and look like a total dumbass.

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