Looking for a top-line quarterback that could add a bit of grit and experience to a unit that was already clicking as an offense, Islamic militants made the first big-name move in the lead up to yesterday’s Al Qaeda trade deadline.
“The way Brady plays the game is something we wanted to try to add, something we identified,” Al Qaeda General Manager Mokhtar Belmokhtar stated.
Amnesic man David Kron of Los Angeles reported yesterday that his full-body tattoos of slimy green lizard scales have done absolutely nothing to help him reconstruct his memory and avenge his wife’s death.
“The tattoos look cool, huh?” asked Kron as he displayed the scales on his forearm, shaded to look as though they are shimmering.
The White House announced last week that the over 190,000 American soldiers that have been killed in combat in the Iraq War are actually only 50,000 American soldiers that have been killed in combat in the Iraq War, according to expert economists.
When asked about the cost in human lives of the seemingly endless war against a vague enemy in the occupation of Iraq for the past 11 years, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney reminded reporters that the 190,000 sons and daughters lost in the futile conflict that has lasted for over three administrations was really only 50,000 sons and daughters when adjusted for inflation.
Members of the Phillips household disclosed yesterday that first lady Michelle Obama was spotted methodically grazing the skin of her neck with the point a full-sized carrot while staring with wide, unwavering eyes at Thomas Phillips, age 9, as he reached for a Pepsi Cola.
A group of nine spunky third-graders who formed a club called “Stop Global Poverty” a few months ago announced on Tuesday that they had successfully ended all the suffering, hunger and disease caused by global poverty.
Through a series of bake sales, glittery posters and impassioned lunchtime announcements at their elementary school, the group was able to do what world leaders and activists have been trying to do for generations.
This Wednesday, Senator Rob Dorman revealed at a press conference that he has come to reconsider his views on women’s rights since his daughter, 21-year-old Rachel Dorman, came out to him as a woman during her freshman year of college. “She sat me down and told me she’d known she was a woman for some time,” Dorman recalled in an interview.
Hey. I’m going to tell you something, and I’m only going to tell it to you once, so you better listen up close: your momma’s so lovely, I go out of my way to make sure she knows how important she is to me each and every day.
Did you hear me? Damn straight you did.
[b]POINT: Barack Obama’s Aggressive Neo-Imperialism Will Only Lead to More Bloodshed, by Noam Chomsky[/b]
In the wake of last week’s drone strike on the outskirts of Islamabad, more than 160 children are confirmed dead, casualties of Barack Obama’s commitment to violence and imperialism at home and abroad.