Warwick’s annual pumpkin pie-eating contest took an unexpected turn last Saturday when competitive eater Joey “Jaws” Chestnut was eaten alive by more competitive eater, Pete “The Mouth” Mahoney.
Sources confirm that Mahoney was falling slightly behind in the race when he made the decision to consume his competition.
According to a new report released by the Pew Research Center, Americans currently lead the world in buying children french fries so they’ll shut up for a minute.
The report indicated that as compared to parents in other countries, parents in the U.S.
Sitting in a booth wildly gesticulating with a mashed potato-covered fork, local grandfather Ed Wachowski refuses to stop talking about what things used to be like in the Old Country Buffet.
“They had more respect for their elders, that’s for sure,” said Wachowski.
On a mission to make the streets safe again, local drug dealer Dave Malgarn went undercover as a cop to bust a cop going undercover as a drug dealer. Malgarn drove a police car, wore a concealed recording device under his uniform, and repeatedly purchased narcotics from the undercover cop in question.
Smoke coiling behind him like a noxious cape of destruction, Morthak Vishtal, Chancellor-Elect of the sovereign continent of Kaitīg, announced that he was not ruling out any of his unbelievably vast range of options in order to keep things squalid and miserable for over 90% of the populous.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
