After what he described as a relatively “smooth” first week with his first college roommate, freshman Sam Mellot hopes that his roommate Walter O’Neal won’t be bothered by the introduction of her pre-bedtime saxophone playing routine. “I like Walter already and I want to be friends with him,” said Mellot.
Bee keeper Richard Matthews seems like he enjoys this whole beekeeping thing a little too much sources report. The man who practiced the trade for nearly 15 years allegedly smiles way too often.
“I find bees to be an infinitely fascinating subject,” Matthews said with an unnecessary amount of enthusiasm in his voice.
Spinning around in an effort to orient himself, local man Joey Grigg’s Apple Maps route was reportedly rendered useless due to the fact that Grigg’s had no idea which way he was facing.
Despite his prolonged efforts to figure out which direction was which by looking at the buildings around him and then attempting to locate them on his Apple map, Griggs was unable to figure out which way he was supposed to go in order to get to his acupuncture appointment on time.
Despite the fact that everyone else is going and there’s literally no reason why they shouldn’t be able to as well, stupid moms across the country won’t let their sons go to Kyle McGovern’s party tonight.
“I know what goes on at Kyle’s house and I don’t want you going, end of story,” the country’s jerk moms told their sons this morning, which, sources confirmed, sucks so much.
Scrolling through dozens of unsolicited links to NPR articles attached to emails from her father, 17-year-old Greer Davis confirmed Monday that the messages were her dad’s misguided attempt to bond with her.
Greer explained that despite the consistency of the messages, she had never expressed interest in any of the subjects of the pieces her father emailed her.
Opening the direct flight from Boston to Austin with a stunning rendition of Delta’s on-board regulations, flight attendant Marshall Blake delivered a safety performance of a lifetime, sources report.
“Every time I’ve been on a flight with him, he has given it his all,” longtime Delta client Guy Schwartz noted.
Come on, man. Have some decency. My family and I have been looking forward to going out to eat all week. We don’t need some stranger breathing down our necks, begging us for some of the onion rings we ordered. Let us enjoy these appetizers as a family.
I want to make one thing clear: I love and respect the American judicial system. I think that it is perfect, and should never change in any way. The right to a speedy trial is a really good idea, and I love the fact that everybody gets a lawyer. However, despite my love for the justice system, I do not think I should have to serve on a jury, because if I am placed in a room with 11 other people there is no way I won’t end up falling in love with at least one of them.