The Brown Noser

Off Campus (Sep 16 2016 issue)

Beekeeper Seems Like He Gets Off On The Whole Thing | Sep 16 2016

Bee keeper Richard Matthews seems like he enjoys this whole beekeeping thing a little too much sources report. The man who practiced the trade for nearly 15 years allegedly smiles way too often. “I find bees to be an infinitely fascinating subject,” Matthews said with an unnecessary amount of enthusiasm in his voice.

Apple Maps Route Rendered Useless To Man With No Idea Which Direction He’s Facing | Sep 16 2016

Spinning around in an effort to orient himself, local man Joey Grigg’s Apple Maps route was reportedly rendered useless due to the fact that Grigg’s had no idea which way he was facing. Despite his prolonged efforts to figure out which direction was which by looking at the buildings around him and then attempting to locate them on his Apple map, Griggs was unable to figure out which way he was supposed to go in order to get to his acupuncture appointment on time.

Report: Nation’s Stupid Moms Won’t Let Sons Go To Kyle’s Party | Sep 16 2016

Despite the fact that everyone else is going and there’s literally no reason why they shouldn’t be able to as well, stupid moms across the country won’t let their sons go to Kyle McGovern’s party tonight. “I know what goes on at Kyle’s house and I don’t want you going, end of story,” the country’s jerk moms told their sons this morning, which, sources confirmed, sucks so much.

Emailing Unsolicited Links To NPR Articles Dad’s Way Of Bonding With Teenage Daughter | Sep 16 2016

Scrolling through dozens of unsolicited links to NPR articles attached to emails from her father, 17-year-old Greer Davis confirmed Monday that the messages were her dad’s misguided attempt to bond with her. Greer explained that despite the consistency of the messages, she had never expressed interest in any of the subjects of the pieces her father emailed her.

Flight Attendant Delivers Safety Performance Of A Lifetime | Sep 16 2016

Opening the direct flight from Boston to Austin with a stunning rendition of Delta’s on-board regulations, flight attendant Marshall Blake delivered a safety performance of a lifetime, sources report. “Every time I’ve been on a flight with him, he has given it his all,” longtime Delta client Guy Schwartz noted.

2nd Oldest Person Eagerly Awaiting Death of Oldest | Sep 16 2016

Shortly after becoming the second oldest human alive, 113 year-old Rose McCarthy told reporters that she is now eagerly waiting for 117 year-old Jack Binoche to die. “I just hope he dies soon,” McCarthy said with a chuckle of the only surviving human to have lived in the 19th century.

Seven Mattress Stores in Two-Mile Radius Not a Drug Front | Sep 16 2016

Sources report that the seven mattress stores in extremely close proximity to one another are certainly not a cover for the laundering of drug money. Various employees and managers vehemently denied to reporters that their stores were fronts for drug sales despite having few mattresses, no financial records documenting mattress purchases from wholesale retailers and periodic visits from individuals seeking out things like “a gram for 50 just like last time.” “Yeah, the guys coming in are just looking for mattress springs.

Doctor Congratulates Patient For Being Sexually Active | Sep 16 2016

On a routine checkup this past week, Doctor Louis Greenberg high-fived patient Mitch Schulman upon hearing that he was sexually active. After checking Schulman’s blood pressure, Greenberg “got straight to the good stuff,” asking if his patient of five years had “bumped uglies yet,” to which Schulman quickly responded, “Hell yeah.” “That’s my boy,” Greenberg said, patting his patient on the back.

Rookie Ambulance Driver Screaming Along With Siren | Sep 16 2016

Sources inside Manascus Hospital report that rookie EMT Will Bannister gets so wrapped up in things that he can’t help but scream along with the siren of the ambulance he’s driving. “Get out of the way!” Bannister was heard to scream, his excited voice mingling with the blaring alarm issuing from the roof of the vehicle as he leaned his head out of the open window and yelled at the top of his lungs at motorists who had already pulled over when they heard the sirens moments before.

Delusional Optimist Packs Two Books To Read On Plane | Sep 16 2016

Double checking that he had his tickets and ID, delusional optimist Cameron LeClair proceeded to tuck two books into his carry-on bag so that he could read them both on his flight from Albuquerque to Cleveland. “I’ve always wanted to read “Crime and Punishment”, and my sister-in-law told me that “Lean In” is really good, so I thought what better time to knock them both out,” said LeClair, making sure that his laptop was charged in case he had extra time during his flight after finishing the books and wanted to catch up on some work.

Area Man Won’t Date Anyone With Same Name As His Wife | Sep 16 2016

Saying that such a coincidence “would just be too weird,” local man Vinnie Sainato has expressed that he just couldn’t bring himself to date a woman who shares a first name with his wife. “Every time I’d say the name ‘Maria,’ I’d get this image in my mind of my wife, who’d probably be up late watching TV in bed and waiting for me to come back home from whatever excuse I fed her that evening,” said Sainato, adding that he’d probably feel too awkward to refer to a girlfriend by the name that she’d share with the woman she’d be cuckolding.

Dad Been Wearing Biking Gear Around House Lately | Sep 16 2016

Sitting down around the table Thursday night, the family of local man Al Felman has noted that he’s taken to wearing biking gear around the house lately. “He was making dinner wearing those Spandex shorts. He’s still wearing them now,” said daughter Rachel, adding that last night he had on a bright yellow polyester cycling jersey while watching the basketball game on TV.

Problem Child Grows Up To Be Problem Adult | Sep 16 2016

Former problem child Mike Hanson has, according to those close to him, grown up to be a problem adult. Hanson is known to former classmates and teachers as a disruptive class clown with a deep-seated disrespect for authority. Multiple sources report that he loudly demanded to speak to a manager after a cashier refused to allow him to return spoiled milk earlier this week.

Study: 95% Of Medieval Knights’ Quests Undertaken In Hopes Of Getting Laid | Sep 16 2016

According to a study published this week in Medieval Archaeology, 95 percent of medieval knights’ quests were originally undertaken in the hopes of having sex with a beautiful woman upon their completion. “While it appears that a select few knights embarked on quests in the name of God or bravery, we found that a vast majority of medieval knights only went on dangerous quests because they thought they would ultimately get laid for doing so,” said the study’s leader, Kevin Peters of Columbia University, adding that many knights would even turn down quests if there were no sexy maidens watching them.

Woman Suppresses Sneeze To Avoid “Bless You” Interaction With Coworkers | Sep 16 2016

Holding her nose and squinting her eyes tightly, local woman Tess Cleary did everything in her power to suppress a sneeze Monday in order to avoid a “bless you” interaction with her coworkers . “It’s not like I really despise them or anything,” explained Clearly, dimming the brightness of her computer screen so her coworker’s couldn’t peek over her shoulder to see what she was up to in an attempt to start conversation.

Everyone At Grand Canyon Has Mouth Open In Awe | Sep 16 2016

Sources at the Grand Canyon report that every tourist’s mouth is agape. Most visitors were unavailable for comment due to their mouths being wide open. “Ahh,” said Matt Irvine, father of three visiting the natural wonder for the first time with his children.

Plan To Secretly Tell Waiter It’s Daughter’s Birthday Really Going Up In Smoke | Sep 16 2016

Only 15 minutes into Stephanie’s birthday dinner, Mr. and Mrs. Clarke’s plan to secretly tell the waiter it was their daughter’s 12th birthday began to really go up in smoke. “It was supposed to be a clean operation,” explained Mrs. Clarke.

Everyone On Bus Acting Like Guy Reading Mein Kampf Isn’t There | Sep 16 2016

Sources report that everyone on the 3 from Providence to Warwick has tacitly agreed to pretend that the guy reading “Mein Kampf” isn’t there. “I don’t think he’s reading it for school or anything like that,” said passenger Mark Plimoth, nervously eying the otherwise normal man finishing up the trade-union chapter of Adolph Hitler’s autobiography.

Restaurant Offering Greek, Mexican, Thai Cuisine Definitely Good At Making All Three | Sep 16 2016

Sources report that area restaurant Mike’s offers customers three different culinary options, including Thai, Greek, and Mexican, that certainly aren’t gross. “I mainly come here for the pad thai,” says long time customer Corina Stern, chewing on a piece of tofu as a poster of Greece hung in the background.

Preschool’s Acorn Motif A Bit Of A Stretch | Sep 16 2016

Phil Village, principal of the Acorn Academy Preschool, has sure been going full steam ahead on his school’s acorn theme, note local parents. “The place has little drawings of acorns on the walls, which is pretty cute,” said Cynthia Roberts, dropping off her daughter Lydia in front of the school.

Little Girl’s Toys Would Come Alive When She’s Not Around If She Didn’t Keep Breaking Them | Sep 16 2016

Sources report that five-year-old Melissa Erlich’s collection of toys which, among other damaged goods, consists of a limbless doll, a scratched miniature car, and a slinky with a fucked up coil was close to sentience before being ruined. “This looks like the perfect new house for Mr.

Presiding Sixth-Grade Romance Expert Subtly Steers Sleepover Toward Truth Or Dare | Sep 16 2016

Halfway through watching “The School of Rock,” sixth-grade romance expert Sadie Fitzgerald began steering her friend’s sleepover toward a game of truth or dare. “This is boring you guys,” Sadie complained, eager to choose “Truth” and gloat about her advanced romantic prowess, especially how she kissed Sean on the cheek last week at recess.

Neurotic Arsonist Can’t Shake Feeling She Left Oven Off | Sep 16 2016

Driving away from a two-story house that she had been planning to burn down for months, local arsonist Jane Pemberthy couldn’t shake the persistent feeling that she left the kitchen oven off. “I’m pretty sure it’s on, I know I turned it on…but what if…no, that’s silly,” Pemberthy mumbled, reminding herself that she has never once forgotten to turn the oven on before leaving a house she’s trying to burn down.

Greedy Little Man Intercepts Blown Kiss, Keeps It All for Himself | Sep 16 2016

Walking through the trajectory of a loving goodbye kiss last Friday, Phillip Wilson, a greedy little man, reached out and snatched the smooch to keep it all for himself. “The opportunity sort of threw itself at me,” Wilson explains. “I was on my way through the train compartment, just looking for a seat, when I saw a loving kiss sailing through the air and thought, ‘I’d like to keep that all for myself.’” Rachel Jones, the intended receiver of the kiss, was incredible shocked, saying, “I’ve never had that happen before—I’m extra bummed because the kiss looked especially romantic in the air…I was gonna save it for my lunch break.” A casual onlooker was impressed with Wilson’s technique, adding that “he shoved that kiss so deep in his pocket that absolutely no one could steal it back.” Wilson expects to save the kiss for after work when he will crack open a beer, put his feet up, and enjoy the kiss all by himself..

“Eh, She’s A Six, Seven Tops,” Says Man Whose Personality Is A Two | Sep 16 2016

Drunkenly peering across a bar to judge women based on their physical appearance, local man Greg Donaldson confidently asserted, “Eh, she’s a six, seven tops,” despite the fact that his personality is a two. “Like, she’s cute, but so bland.