The Brown Noser

Guy Preparing To Share In Creative Writing Class Prefaces Work With Five Hundred Caveats

Frantically spewing excuses and desperately avoiding the inevitable, sophomore Bryan Carroll prefaced sharing his creative writing in a workshop class with 500 caveats. “I just want everyone to know that I didn’t know the deadline for this assignment was today so I just wrote this really fast before class started,” said Carroll, hoping that his classmates would not see through his paper-thin excuse.

It Would Be Funny If Peyton Manning Stole A Police Horse, But Not Because He Played For The Denver Broncos

You know those policemen who ride horses? Sometimes I see them around when I’m walking through my hometown of Denver. When I do, I love to imagine Peyton Manning stealing one of those horses and taking it on a joyride all around town. It would be so funny, but not because he used to play for a football team called the Broncos.

View more Opinion

Confused Freshman Still Waiting To Be Told It’s Bath Time

Six months into his first year at college, Nick McGhee ’20 is still waiting to be told that it’s bath time, sources report. “The first few Sundays, which is my bath night at home, I hid under my bed so they wouldn’t find me to take me to the tub," McGhee told reporters, adding that he was so excited to be “getting away with it”.

View more Campus Life

Older Brother Set Bar Pretty Low For What Mom Will Hang Up On Fridge

Eyeing her older brother’s subpar fourth grade report card, second grader Anna Keenan came to the conclusion that the bar is set pretty low for what her mom will hang up on the fridge. “I have a spelling test this Friday, but I’m pretty sure I can just phone this one in,” said Anna, explaining that her mom’s policy with her brother Jason has just been to hang up anything he brings home from school.

View more Off Campus

Basketball Mascot’s Frantic Gestures Actually A Cry For Help From Man Trapped Inside

Despite his popularity with unwitting fans and players, it appeared in Sunday night’s game that Orlando Magic mascot “Stuff the Magic Dragon” was actually just a dehydrated man trapped inside a hideous green costume, sources report. “After the first quarter, Stuff woke everyone up by shooting free water bottles into the crowd out of a cannon normally reserved for T-shirts," explained center Bismack Biyombo, not realizing that a note for help was hidden inside each bottle.

View more Sports

Mike Pence Blowing Off Some Steam By Rolling Hoop With Stick On White House Lawn

Sources report that, following a particularly heated meeting with members of the House Ways and Means Committee, Vice President Mike Pence decided to blow off some steam by rolling a hoop with a stick on the White House lawn. “It’s definitely a high stress work environment and a lot of people here hit the gym or go out for a drink at the end of the day to relax,” explained Pence, running hunched over so that he could keep the top of the hoop at eye level and keep it upright.

View more Politics

Study Shows Concertgoers Show Up Just As High To The Charity Ones

A study commissioned by the Drug Enforcement Administration revealed that the average concert attendee will show up just as balls-to-the-wall lit to a not-for-profit benefit concert as they would to a regular for-profit music festival or stadium show.

View more Science & Technology