Six months into his first year at college, Nick McGhee ’20 is still waiting to be told that it’s bath time, sources report.
“The first few Sundays, which is my bath night at home, I hid under my bed so they wouldn’t find me to take me to the tub," McGhee told reporters, adding that he was so excited to be “getting away with it”.
According to a recent report published by The Critical Review, Professor Klyde Boren needs to stop smiling directly into the camera recording his lecture because it’s creeping people out. “It’s hard to focus in class when Professor Boren keeps directing his attention and gestures at the camera off to the side of the room, which he clearly placed there,” explained student Kareen Bahar, adding that Klyde’s jokes would be a lot funnier if he didn’t follow them up by subtly cracking a smile directed at the camera.
Sources report that, following a particularly heated meeting with members of the House Ways and Means Committee, Vice President Mike Pence decided to blow off some steam by rolling a hoop with a stick on the White House lawn. “It’s definitely a high stress work environment and a lot of people here hit the gym or go out for a drink at the end of the day to relax,” explained Pence, running hunched over so that he could keep the top of the hoop at eye level and keep it upright.
Filled with way too much detail about his life and exhibiting outlandish praise, a Brown Admirers post to William Jacobs was clearly written by Jacobs himself sources report. Jacobs commented on the post almost instantly, before anyone even had a chance to tag him in the comments, writing “Thanks so much!!! Needed this more than you know,” and went on to pen a long paragraph about all of the hard work he had been doing, concluding with an over the top thank you to the “anonymous” admirer.
Looking ahead to graduation this coming May, Brown senior, Derrick Sanders, can’t wait to leave his liberal college bubble, and relocate to a larger, tech bubble.
“I’ve had a lot of fun these past four years,” says Sanders, a second semester senior graduating with a ScB in computer science, “But I’m ready to branch out and enter the real world.