The Brown Noser

Guy Preparing To Share In Creative Writing Class Prefaces Work With Five Hundred Caveats

Frantically spewing excuses and desperately avoiding the inevitable, sophomore Bryan Carroll prefaced sharing his creative writing in a workshop class with 500 caveats. “I just want everyone to know that I didn’t know the deadline for this assignment was today so I just wrote this really fast before class started,” said Carroll, hoping that his classmates would not see through his paper-thin excuse.

Confused Freshman Still Waiting To Be Told It’s Bath Time

Six months into his first year at college, Nick McGhee ’20 is still waiting to be told that it’s bath time, sources report. “The first few Sundays, which is my bath night at home, I hid under my bed so they wouldn’t find me to take me to the tub," McGhee told reporters, adding that he was so excited to be “getting away with it”.

Creepy Professor Keeps Smiling Directly At Camera Recording Lecture

According to a recent report published by The Critical Review, Professor Klyde Boren needs to stop smiling directly into the camera recording his lecture because it’s creeping people out. “It’s hard to focus in class when Professor Boren keeps directing his attention and gestures at the camera off to the side of the room, which he clearly placed there,” explained student Kareen Bahar, adding that Klyde’s jokes would be a lot funnier if he didn’t follow them up by subtly cracking a smile directed at the camera.

Mike Pence Blowing Off Some Steam By Rolling Hoop With Stick On White House Lawn

Sources report that, following a particularly heated meeting with members of the House Ways and Means Committee, Vice President Mike Pence decided to blow off some steam by rolling a hoop with a stick on the White House lawn. “It’s definitely a high stress work environment and a lot of people here hit the gym or go out for a drink at the end of the day to relax,” explained Pence, running hunched over so that he could keep the top of the hoop at eye level and keep it upright.

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It Would Be Funny If Peyton Manning Stole A Police Horse, But Not Because He Played For The Denver Broncos

You know those policemen who ride horses? Sometimes I see them around when I’m walking through my hometown of Denver. When I do, I love to imagine Peyton Manning stealing one of those horses and taking it on a joyride all around town. It would be so funny, but not because he used to play for a football team called the Broncos.

I’m Pretty Sure Puppets Will Never Become Sentient, But I Treat Them Really Nice Just In Case

Look, I know that all my puppets are just made of cloth and string. I’ve double-checked many times, so I’m aware that it’s physically impossible that they would become sentient. But just in case they do, I make sure that their outfits are clean and their strings aren’t tangled, because if they came to life, they’d probably want to move around freely.

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Older Brother Set Bar Pretty Low For What Mom Will Hang Up On Fridge

Eyeing her older brother’s subpar fourth grade report card, second grader Anna Keenan came to the conclusion that the bar is set pretty low for what her mom will hang up on the fridge. “I have a spelling test this Friday, but I’m pretty sure I can just phone this one in,” said Anna, explaining that her mom’s policy with her brother Jason has just been to hang up anything he brings home from school.

Guy Who Said Joke Too Quietly Watches Helplessly As Guy Who Repeated It Louder Gets All The Credit

Silently staring at the ground and kicking himself for not asserting himself, local man Stan Leonard watched powerlessly as the guy who repeated his joke louder and more confidently got all the credit. “I knew it was funny,” said Leonard about his joke commenting on the current political climate.

High School Drama Teacher Stresses Over Whether To Cast Cameron Or Matt C. As Danny Zuko

Changing his mind over and over again and weighing all of the pros and cons, high school drama teacher Ken Lassen stressed over whether to cast Cameron or Matt C. in the Hamilton Preparatory High School production of Grease. “Matt C. has an amazing singing voice, but Cameron has gone to dance camp at the local community college for three consecutive summers,” Lassen said, gazing at makeshift headshots of the boys that he took in the school’s cafeteria.

Report: Boba Perfect Solution For People Who Want One Hundred Slime Balls In Their Tea

A report released by the US Department of Agriculture on Wednesday concluded that boba is the perfect solution for consumers interested in having one hundred little balls of slime in their tea. “The demand for slime balls has never been higher and boba is the only viable solution,” reads the introduction of the report, which goes on to explain that people will actually pay extra for the slime balls to avoid drinking a normal cup of tea.

Area Man's Day Ruined After Accidentally Seeing Own Reflection

Accidentally glancing at his own reflection in a store window, local man Paul Gregory’s day was immediately ruined. “Usually I do a lot of psyching myself up before looking in the mirror,” said Gregory, sitting on a park bench with his head in his hands.

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Study Shows Concertgoers Show Up Just As High To The Charity Ones

A study commissioned by the Drug Enforcement Administration revealed that the average concert attendee will show up just as balls-to-the-wall lit to a not-for-profit benefit concert as they would to a regular for-profit music festival or stadium show.

Sleazy Butterfly Hits On All The Caterpillars

According to recent reports, a sleazy butterfly has been hitting on all of the caterpillars. Caterpillars have reported that while butterflies generally search for other butterfly mates after coming out of their cocoons, this particular one flutters around the green leaves that the caterpillars feed on every day.

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