The Brown Noser

Off Campus (Mar 17 2017 issue)

Older Brother Set Bar Pretty Low For What Mom Will Hang Up On Fridge | Mar 17 2017

Eyeing her older brother’s subpar fourth grade report card, second grader Anna Keenan came to the conclusion that the bar is set pretty low for what her mom will hang up on the fridge. “I have a spelling test this Friday, but I’m pretty sure I can just phone this one in,” said Anna, explaining that her mom’s policy with her brother Jason has just been to hang up anything he brings home from school.

Guy Who Said Joke Too Quietly Watches Helplessly As Guy Who Repeated It Louder Gets All The Credit | Mar 17 2017

Silently staring at the ground and kicking himself for not asserting himself, local man Stan Leonard watched powerlessly as the guy who repeated his joke louder and more confidently got all the credit. “I knew it was funny,” said Leonard about his joke commenting on the current political climate.

High School Drama Teacher Stresses Over Whether To Cast Cameron Or Matt C. As Danny Zuko | Mar 17 2017

Changing his mind over and over again and weighing all of the pros and cons, high school drama teacher Ken Lassen stressed over whether to cast Cameron or Matt C. in the Hamilton Preparatory High School production of Grease. “Matt C. has an amazing singing voice, but Cameron has gone to dance camp at the local community college for three consecutive summers,” Lassen said, gazing at makeshift headshots of the boys that he took in the school’s cafeteria.

Report: Boba Perfect Solution For People Who Want One Hundred Slime Balls In Their Tea | Mar 17 2017

A report released by the US Department of Agriculture on Wednesday concluded that boba is the perfect solution for consumers interested in having one hundred little balls of slime in their tea. “The demand for slime balls has never been higher and boba is the only viable solution,” reads the introduction of the report, which goes on to explain that people will actually pay extra for the slime balls to avoid drinking a normal cup of tea.

Area Man's Day Ruined After Accidentally Seeing Own Reflection | Mar 17 2017

Accidentally glancing at his own reflection in a store window, local man Paul Gregory’s day was immediately ruined. “Usually I do a lot of psyching myself up before looking in the mirror,” said Gregory, sitting on a park bench with his head in his hands.

Delusional Family Thinks Mason Jar Full Of Change Will Be Enough For A Trip To Disney | Mar 17 2017

Frequently contributing handfuls of change to the mason jar resting on the bookcase in their living room, members of the McCool family have deluded themselves into thinking that, when full, the jar will be enough for a trip to Disney. “I call it our ‘Vacation Jar,’” said Mrs.

Sea Captain Names Wife After Boat | Mar 17 2017

In a loving gesture, sea captain Artie McEachern has named his wife after his beautiful vessel of ten years, sources report. “This way, my boat will always be with me even when I have to be at home,” said McEachern, who has reportedly pinned a picture of his beloved boat on his wife, so he could look at it occasionally while he was at home.

Explorer Mistaking Creature's Mouth For Big Cave In For Quite The Surprise | Mar 17 2017

Mistaking saliva for cave slime and teeth for stalagmites, explorer Richard Winston was in for a big surprise Saturday as he entered a creature’s mouth thinking it was a big cave. “There sure is a warm, wet draft in this big cavern,” Winston said, struggling to keep his footing on the creature’s wiggling tongue and grasping for a handhold on the creature’s slippery cheeks.

Hatter Slightly Miffed | Mar 17 2017

Sighing daintily, local hatter Milton Presterly was reported to be slightly miffed Sunday morning. “Only those who are uncultured are unable to tether one’s emotions,” scoffed Presterly, lifting his exquisite handkerchief to pat at his temples.

New Show On Food Network Just Some Guy Who Walks Into Restaurants Unannounced And Starts Eating Food From Kitchen | Mar 17 2017

Coming to television this spring, a new show on the Food Network titled “Seriously No Reservations” will feature a man who walks into restaurants across the country and eats food from the kitchen without contacting the owner beforehand sources reported Tuesday.

Snooty Cow Prays That Her Milk Will Be Made Into Fancy Cheese | Mar 17 2017

Crossing her hooves and hoping for the best, snooty cow Clarabelle Friesiana recently reported that her only wish for the milk being pumped out of her udder is that it will go towards making a really fancy, expensive cheese. “I want people to walk into their local Whole Foods and spend their entire paycheck on the cheese that will be made from my milk,” the ostentatious bovine announced, adding that she believes her milk to be richer and creamier than that of her fellow cows.

Tips Offered in “How to Sleep Better” Article Clearly Tailored to Author’s Life | Mar 17 2017

Citing the oddly specific nature of the advice offered, readers of the recently published Buzzfeed article “How to Sleep Better” are noticing that the tips are clearly tailored to the author’s life, sources report. “I got to the one about laying out the roach traps in case they come up through the floor again, and I just wasn’t sure how that could apply to me.

Toddler Brushes Dog's Fur Against The Grain Like Some Kind Of Idiot | Mar 17 2017

Grinding her hand uncomfortably across her family’s golden retriever, local toddler Mary Phillips was petting the dog’s fur against the grain like an absolute moron. “It’s hard to watch,” said Phillips’s mother Jeanne, while her daughter smiled and laughed as if petting the dog this way was a completely normal thing to do.

“I’m Off To Seek My Fortune!” Says Boy Who Will Get Distracted By Magic Beans A Page Later | Mar 17 2017

Clueless to the fact that his heroic quest would be halted just a page later by a mysterious merchant with a glass eye, fairy tale protagonist Will jubilantly declared on Monday he was “off to seek [his] fortune.” “Farewell, Mother!” Will reportedly exclaimed, placing into his leather satchel a bottle of wine mulled by his mother to give him strength as he set forth on his journey.