The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Oct 06 2015 issue)

Cool Guy Always Surfing To Class | Oct 06 2015

According to word around campus, cool guy Mikey Blakeshack ’17 is always surfing to class. “My morning doesn’t begin until Blakeshack surfs through the doors of lecture hall and rides a wave down to his seat of choice,” classmate Brooke David ’17 told reporters, adding that the room erupts in applause if Blakeshack decides to indulge his fans and splash the professor.

University’s Beautiful Free Spirits Announce Plans To Take You Onto A Rooftop To Watch The City Breathe | Oct 06 2015

Smiling encouragingly at you from a fire escape ladder, the University’s beautiful free spirited students announced plans to take you up onto a roof to watch the city breathe. “You’ve been saying ‘no’ to life,” said beautiful young Lauren Carhartt ‘18 as the afternoon sun reflected off her golden hair.

Comparative Literature Department Names English Best Literature | Oct 06 2015

Calling it “the clear standout among literatures,” the University’s Comparative Literature Department declared English to be the best literature in an announcement Wednesday. Speaking at a press junket in front of Marston Hall, Department Chair Mark Redfield praised English for its “nearly 1,500 years of consistent achievement” and for “the wealth of subject matters available within its corpus.” “Not only does English literature include Earnest Hemingway, Shakespeare, and F.

Freshman Roommates' Sexile Protocol Wildly Optimistic | Oct 06 2015

Freshman roommates Adam Cohen and Miles Bunk of Metcalf Hall reached an agreement amenable to both parties about when each of them could expel the other from the room based on their wild assumptions about their future sexual activity. “We knew we would need a solution that comfortably accommodates both our needs,” Cohen said of several page protocol that would never need to be consulted.

Freshman Wishes Cloying Mother Would Quit Asking If He’s Fucked Anyone Yet | Oct 06 2015

Embarrassed by his mother’s insistent questioning, Marshall Hankin ’19 already wishes she would stop asking him whether he’s fucked anyone yet. “Not everyone in college just pairs or triples off and fucks all day,” said Hankin, noting that whether he was fucking a nice girl or boy or not, it didn’t seem like any of his mom’s business.

Naked Student In Lecture Convinced This Just Bad Dream | Oct 06 2015

Taking a deep breath and pushing through paralyzing fear, Chris Kobbly ’16 expressed his absolute conviction that he was not actually naked in lecture and this was all just a bad dream. “I won’t be tricked into believing this is happening,” Kobbly said in response to classmates pointing and giggling uncomfortably at him.

Student Good At Backflips Even Better At Finding Opportunities To Do Backflips | Oct 06 2015

Already known for his skill in performing backflips, sources report that Brent Montgomery ‘19 is even better at finding or making opportunities to perform the gymnastic stunts. “Brent is really good at taking any statement out of a conversation and using it to segue into talking about backflips,” said Montgomery’s roommate Bryce Stapleton ‘19, adding that Brent’s conversational transitions into the backflips are usually flawless, even if his actual landings can be sloppy.

Tour Guide Clearly Trying To Fuck Tour Group | Oct 06 2015

Winking at the prospective students and their accompanying family members, tour guide Keegan Todd ’18 clearly wants to fuck all 19 members of his tour group. “If you shift your beautiful gaze past those gates, you’ll see the Rockefeller Library, or as we like to call it the Rock,” said Todd, flashing a boyish smile and prolonging eye contact with everyone in his tour group.

Mom Turns Volume Dial Down By One | Oct 06 2015

Citing it as a repeat offense, children of local mom Susan reported that she turned the radio dial down by one. “We were in the car, all listening to the radio,” recalled her daughter Meghan. “She must have thought that the song was too loud, because she turned the volume down by one.

New Google Maps Feature Displays All The Places There Would Be A McDonald's If We Lived In Capitalist Utopia | Oct 06 2015

Calling it a revelation in mapping technology, Google CEO Eric Schmidt unveiled a new plug-in for Google Maps that displays all the potential locations of McDonald’s restaurants that would exist if we lived in a utopia governed by unfettered free-market capitalism.

First Fall BDH Issue Just A Poll | Oct 06 2015

Community sources reported surprise Wednesday after discovering that the Brown Daily Herald’s first issue of the year was a four-question poll. The 3000-copy circulation was delivered to newsstands on campus at approximately 4 a.m. and caused confusion throughout the day as students, faculty and campus visitors puzzled over survey’s content.

Freshman Can’t Wait For Friday Night Ritual Of Crowding Into Stranger’s Dorm Room Full of Empty Vodka Bottles | Oct 06 2015

Slipping on a tight-fitting black dress and pouring vodka into an empty gatorade container, freshman Aly Pearlman said that she is “totally stoked” for her upcoming Friday night ritual of crowding into a stranger’s dorm room full of empty vodka bottles.

Plans Postponed Until Better Friend Responds | Oct 06 2015

Refreshing his Facebook message history to see if anyone else had responded, Alex Houston ’17 held off another minute on confirming plans to meet up with a friend until a better friend agreed to come along too. “Yeah, I’m just waiting to make sure I’ll actually be able to make it to the GCB at 7,” Houston wrote to former seminar-classmate Jake Kerns in an attempt to avoid being roped into spending an entire evening with the lesser acquaintance.

White Man Confused, Upset By Piece Of Media Not Targeted Towards Him | Oct 06 2015

Describing the incident as “harrowing” and “bone-chilling,” white, male student Mike Easton expressed his confusion and discomfort after watching an episode of a television show not specifically created to attract and hold his attention. “It was like something out of a Chuck Palahniuk novel,” said Easton of his experience absorbing the 45 minutes of video that did not explicitly cater to his every whim and expectation.