Signaling what is for many the official arrival of spring on campus, Brown University’s Main Green has ripened into a delicious Main Orange. “There’s nothing better than meeting up with good friends at the Main Orange in April and slurping down the fruit by the handful,” said Lisa Gable ‘21 as piquant juice from the Main Orange dripped down her chin.
Anticipating a return to residential life and in-person class this fall, Brown’s COVID response team has been solemnly preparing a graphic in which the “Brown Takes Care” bear is mercilessly executed.
“We love the little guy… but his time has come,” said the bear’s designer Justine McCormick, stifling a sob as she shakily dragged her mouse to insert a guillotine graphic next to the beloved cartoon mascot.
Sources report that freshman Adam Alvins is discovering what it means to be a real, independent adult by sitting on the Main Green and eating a banana.
“Ah, this is the good life isn’t it,” exclaimed an earnest Alvins, lounging in a COVID-containment circle on the green and pulling a banana out of his backpack.
According to a recent report from your roommate, oh hey, his COVID test result came back negative. “Oh hey, look at that,” he said, opening his phone to read an email from Verily. “Looks like I’m negative. Nice.” At press time, oh cool, turns out he did okay on that assignment.
Students across campus have reported that The Brown Daily Herald clearly leaves every paper until the night before it’s due.
“God, it’s so painfully obvious that this was rushed together last night,” said BDH reader Medhi Tahir, leafing through a copy of the campus paper and shaking his head at the occasional typo.