According to students in an introductory political science course, the class’s outdated textbook from 2005 won’t shut the hell up about the promise of the worldwide web. “God, this chapter is just rambling on and on about how much things have changed since people first started surfing the net,” one student complained, flipping through dozens of pages touting the boundless possibilities offered by the growing cyberspace.
Newborn lamb Downy McPhee is tired of being typecast as a symbol of spring and rebirth.
“I may be freshly out of the womb, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be given roles with more gravitas,” said McPhee, adorably yawning in a field of blooming daffodils.
Scouring volumes of online recipes and ancient manuscripts, local chocolatier Buster Sweetings was reportedly on a quest to figure out what the hell nougat is.
“I’m the premier chocolatier in my confectionary district, so I get a lot of inquiries into my craft,” Sweetings said, frolicking jubilantly through candy cane-lined marshes in his search for the true meaning of nougat.
Sources report that area man Cliff Grober saw that band live once. “I saw them live last year actually,” said Grober upon hearing the band’s name pop up in a conversation. “It was a really great show. They sound so different in person than they do in the studio, it’s crazy. You should totally try to see them if you ever get the chance!” Grober also made it clear that he really misses concerts so much these days.
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences’ annual Oscar nominations made history in this strange year for cinema by celebrating a record amount of studio bribes.
“We’re proud to celebrate the diversity of Hollywood,” said Academy president David Rubin in a speech at the televised nomination ceremony.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
