The Brown Noser

Off Campus (Apr 09 2021 issue)

Textbook From 2005 Won't Shut Up About Worldwide Web | Apr 09 2021

According to students in an introductory political science course, the class’s outdated textbook from 2005 won’t shut the hell up about the promise of the worldwide web. “God, this chapter is just rambling on and on about how much things have changed since people first started surfing the net,” one student complained, flipping through dozens of pages touting the boundless possibilities offered by the growing cyberspace.

Newborn Lamb Sick Of Being Typecast As Symbol Of Spring, Rebirth | Apr 09 2021

Newborn lamb Downy McPhee is tired of being typecast as a symbol of spring and rebirth. “I may be freshly out of the womb, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be given roles with more gravitas,” said McPhee, adorably yawning in a field of blooming daffodils.

Chocolatier On Quest To Discover What The Hell Nougat Is | Apr 09 2021

Scouring volumes of online recipes and ancient manuscripts, local chocolatier Buster Sweetings was reportedly on a quest to figure out what the hell nougat is. “I’m the premier chocolatier in my confectionary district, so I get a lot of inquiries into my craft,” Sweetings said, frolicking jubilantly through candy cane-lined marshes in his search for the true meaning of nougat.

Report: Man Saw That Band Live Once | Apr 09 2021

Sources report that area man Cliff Grober saw that band live once. “I saw them live last year actually,” said Grober upon hearing the band’s name pop up in a conversation. “It was a really great show. They sound so different in person than they do in the studio, it’s crazy. You should totally try to see them if you ever get the chance!” Grober also made it clear that he really misses concerts so much these days.

2021 Oscars Proud To Celebrate Historic Number Of Studio Bribes | Apr 09 2021

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences’ annual Oscar nominations made history in this strange year for cinema by celebrating a record amount of studio bribes. “We’re proud to celebrate the diversity of Hollywood,” said Academy president David Rubin in a speech at the televised nomination ceremony.

California Prison System Offering Incredible Unpaid Firefighting Internship | Apr 09 2021

Director of the California Department of Corrections Kathleen Allison has announced that the state’s prison system will offer the incarcerated a fabulous opportunity to gain real job exposure with an unpaid firefighting internship. “In the past, we’ve been rightly criticized for using prison labor to fight our state’s worsening wildfires and paying a cruelly low wage of 18¢ per hour,” said Alison in a prepared statement last week.

CDC Announces Vaccinated People Can Safely Throw Medium-Sized Get Togethers As Long As They Don’t Invite That Bitch Samantha | Apr 09 2021

Releasing a new set of recommendations for the vaccinated population, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Wednesday that vaccinated people can safely throw medium-sized get togethers as long as they don’t invite that fake bitch Samantha.

Dad’s “Thinking Of You” Text Just Article About Whale Fossils Found In Seattle | Apr 09 2021

Sources report that sophomore Erin Swanson’s dad’s “thinking of you” text was just an article about whale fossils found in Seattle. “I thought you might be interested in this,” wrote Greg Swanson over text, trying to connect with his daughter studying all the way across the country through an article about whale bones.

Detective Keeps Holding Magnifying Glass Up To Face While He Talks | Apr 09 2021

Sources report that area detective Derek Plantain keeps holding his magnifying glass very close to his face as he talks. “Plantain walked up to the crime scene with a magnifying glass just absolutely smushed against the top-right quarter of his face,” said Sergeant Fidelio Swine, perplexed by Plantain’s antics.

Doctor Prescribes Medical Weed To Terminally Uptight Square | Apr 09 2021

Approving a desperate clinical intervention in the absence of any other viable treatment options, area doctor Leila Nader prescribed terminally uptight square Thomas Fogel medical cannabis to save his life. “Thomas is by all other measures a perfectly healthy young man, but he’s a total fucking melvin,” Nader explained, frowning as she flipped through a clipboard of Fogel’s medical history.

Elderly Man Running Marathon Really Bad At It | Apr 09 2021

Sources report that elderly man Harold Karls, who recently participated in the Woonsocket Marathon, is extremely bad at it. “Good for him, but honestly? This is hard to watch,” said spectator Sara Michaelson, cringing as the frail 80-year-old man moved at an astoundingly slow pace through the 26-mile event. “It’s admirable that he’s doing this, but he genuinely sucks at it.” At press time, the old man finally crossed the finish line to a smattering of patronizing cheers.

Ethical Pescatarian Only Eats Meat From Cows Drowned In Ocean | Apr 09 2021

Drawing a personal line in the sand for which foods she believes are ethical to consume, local pescatarian Meghan Delaney made clear that she only eats meat from cows that drowned in the ocean. “I agree with vegetarians that eating most meat is unethical, but I do make an exception for certain seafoods — like cows that are drowned instead of slaughtered,” Delaney said, explaining that she believes land animals experience significantly more suffering than sea creatures and drowning land animals.

Friend Who Ordered Six Drinks Doesn't Mind Splitting Check | Apr 09 2021

In an awe-inspiring display of benevolence, Max Reiner indicated that he did not mind splitting the check with his friends after he ordered six drinks. “I’m fine with just tossing all our cards in to avoid the math,” said Reiner, still sipping from his sixth glass of wine like an idle sommelier.

Game Of Clue Devolves Into Discussion Of How Miss Scarlett Killed Someone With Candlestick | Apr 09 2021

A recent round of the popular board game Clue rapidly devolved into a heated discussion of how Miss Scarlett killed someone with a candlestick. The unconventional murder weapon has confounded players since the game’s invention. “I don’t get it,” said player Leslie Feinstein, sliding her piece from the lounge to the billiard room.

High Schooler’s Poetry Leaning Pretty Hard On Alliteration | Apr 09 2021

Sources in Cameron Palick’s creative writing class report that the high school junior’s poetry leans pretty hard on alliteration. “sweet soft skin on green grass, i see calm clouds,” a recent poem by Palick began, clearly trying to get a lot of mileage out of using words that begin with the same letter.

Instagram Account Just All Your Favorite Foods Cut In Half | Apr 09 2021

Sources report that Instagram account @2NYCFoodieBros is just all your favorite foods cut in half. “As devout foodies, we wanted to highlight all the unique meals that we discover every day,” said account owner Mike Green, scrolling past a picture of himself holding up a juicy double cheeseburger cut into two pieces.

Man With Replica Weeniemobile Torn Between Love Of Driving Weeniemobile And Certainty Of Retribution By Real Weeniemobile | Apr 09 2021

Area man Yiorgos Twillburn, who painstakingly constructed a functional replica of the Oscar Mayer Weeniemobile, is deeply torn between his love of driving the frankfurter-on-bun vehicle and the certainty that he will face retribution at the hands of the authentic, officially sanctioned Weeniemobile.

Nuclear Reactor Worker Always Getting Superpowers | Apr 09 2021

Nuclear reactor maintenance worker Darren Platte is always getting superpowers when he goes to work. “I like managing the plant’s ventilation system, but I’m always getting zapped by luminous beams of radiation that give me superpowers,” Platte explained, letting loose small bolts of lightning from his fingertips as he mimicked being speared by a luminous beam.

Plunger Nestled In Cabinet Like It Not Rubber Stick Covered With Molecules Of Shit | Apr 09 2021

According to reports, area woman Maddie Thom keeps her plunger in the bathroom cabinet like it’s not a rubber stick covered with molecules of human shit. “I thought it made sense to put the plunger here in this little space next to my hand towels and other bathroom supplies,” said Thom, acting like the wooden stick with a rubber suction cup at the end wasn’t her go-to tool for removing clogs of toilet paper from feces-infested water.

Providence’s Little Italy Offers Visitors Great Views Of Teeny-Tiny Italians | Apr 09 2021

Federal Hill, known as Providence’s “Little Italy,” boasts historic architecture, amazing Italian cuisine, and many great opportunities to view the teeny-tiny Italians. “People always have a great time when they come to Little Italy,” said Providence tourism councilwoman Marsha Pignoli as she presented a photo montage of the miniature Italians serving pizza on a coin.

Report: Apocalypse Wasn’t Nearly As Cool As Imagine Dragons Made It Sound | Apr 09 2021

One year into the global pandemic, it can be conclusively stated that the apocalypse was not nearly as cool as Imagine Dragons made it sound. “I thought I would be ‘waking up to ash and dust’ but instead I was waking up to my mom asking me to vacuum the kitchen before my online econ final,” said Junior Fryla Hargins.

Russian Nonprofit Helps Young Girls In STEM Learn To Commit Cyberterrorism | Apr 09 2021

A new Moscow-based feminist non-profit is gaining worldwide acclaim for taking bold steps to encourage more girls in STEM to commit acts of cyberterrorism. “When I got first job at internet troll farm in bunker beneath Siberian tundra, I was disheartened to see I was only woman there,” said chairwoman Galina Petrov in a speech at a St.

Shitty Widow Barely Takes Any Walks | Apr 09 2021

Sources report that shitty widow Margaret Hastings barely takes any walks. “I don’t get how you can be a widow and not go on a somber stroll once in a while,” said Hastings’ neighbor Anthony Arbuckle, lamenting Hastings’ failures as a bereaved spouse.

Snow May Still Return, Warns New England Resident Like Rugged Mountain Nomad | Apr 09 2021

Cautioning outsiders against falling for this false spring, local New England resident Nathaniel Behr warned that snow may still return like a rugged nomad who has spent years traversing frigid mountain peaks. “I wouldn’t put away your winter jacket just yet if I were you,” Behr said, recounting the countless April snowstorms he’s seen in New England like a grizzled wanderer who’s endured the unforgiving arctic climes for decades without ever feeling true warmth.

Stepdad Sharpening Kitchen Knife Like Emperor’s Most Skilled Smith | Apr 09 2021

Area stepdad Jamie Kucinich is reportedly sharpening the only chef’s knife in the kitchen with the quietly intense concentration and meticulous care one would expect from the Emperor’s most skilled and highly trained bladesmith. Sources reported that Kucinich wordlessly unsheathed the blade — which had been dulled from being improperly used to open packages of Trader Joe’s ravioli — and gently but firmly began to grind its edge in the coarse sharpening slot of the Amazon-brand three-stage knife sharpening tool your mother bought him two Christmases ago, in a manner that would have been most pleasing to the Emperor were Kucinich in his service as the court’s most highly trusted and trained bladesmith.

Strict Parents In Disney Movie Actually Making A Ton Of Good Points | Apr 09 2021

Sources report that the strict parents in a Disney movie are actually making some pretty great points. “So a mysterious old man told you you’re the chosen one and you’re just going to believe him?” the very reasonable parents told their ten-year-old.

Study By Masterpiece Theatre Finds That 85% Of Charming British Seaside Towns Also Hotbeds Of Grisly Murder | Apr 09 2021

A recent study conducted by Masterpiece Theatre found that 85% of charming British seaside towns are also hotbeds of grisly murder. “Our researchers have concluded that the presence of a run-down lighthouse by the shore and a quaint main street drastically increases the chances of a gory murder happening nearby,” said lead data analyst at Masterpiece Theater Richard Winterbottom, solemnly relaying his sobering findings.

Tornado Powerless Against Schoolchildren Kneeling In Line | Apr 09 2021

Sources report that a category 5 tornado swerved cleanly around Casimir Pulaski Elementary School in Carbondale, Illinois when it encountered schoolchildren kneeling in a line. “As a school in the Midwest, we make sure to teach our kids tornado safety,” said principal Barbara Pocket in reference to the monthly tornado drills where the children kneel in the hallway for 10 minutes.

Trader Joe’s Publishes 5-Part Erotica Series On Back Of Cracker Box | Apr 09 2021

According to customers at the popular grocery store, Trader Joe’s has been quietly publishing an erotica series on the back of their “Social Snackers” crackers, now in its fifth titillating installment. “Usually they put some quirky blurb on the packaging,” said customer Kelly Wolbers, fanning herself as she reached the end of this week’s chapter.

Vaccinated Grandmother Misses When Family Gave A Shit About Her | Apr 09 2021

Ever since she got her second dose of the COVID-19 vaccine, area grandmother Joan Gluck has been missing the days when her family gave a shit about her. “They used to call me all the time, but since I got vaccinated, zilch,” said Gluck, explaining that both her children and grandchildren have seemed to care significantly less about her well-being now that she is no longer highly vulnerable to the coronavirus.

Woman Haunted By Terrors Of Own Mind While Folding Laundry Without Listening To Podcast | Apr 09 2021

Folding her laundry while her phone charged in the other room, local woman Tammy Reese was haunted by her own mind after going ten minutes without listening to a podcast. “Get out of my head!” shouted Reese at her own inner monologue, a voice she has not heard in years.

Prospective Fox Host Has Impressive Wikipedia “Controversies” Section | Apr 09 2021

Upon reviewing the prospective host’s career history, the Fox News talent department was impressed by Peter Garbenson’s extensive Wikipedia “controversies” section. “At first, I couldn’t find much information on Mr. Garbenson," said a Fox recruiter, noting that the candidate has all the experience and qualifications that make a successful Fox host, boasting a whole year and a half at journalism school before getting kicked out for plagiarizing Ayn Rand.

Supreme Court Tosses Out Clearly Gerrymandered State Of Oklahoma | Apr 09 2021

In a 5-4 decision certain to reshuffle the landscape of American politics, the Supreme Court tossed out the obviously gerrymandered state of Oklahoma. “Under the Court’s longstanding precedents on gerrymandering, the boundaries of Oklahoma are plainly unconstitutional,” wrote Associate Justice Elena Kagan, explaining the majority’s decision to strike down Oklahoma.