The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Apr 09 2021 issue)

Tucker Carlson Retracts Bitter Remarks After Finally Getting Accepted To Brown | Apr 09 2021

Smiling from ear to ear while eagerly listing all the things he’s looking forward to in college, Fox News host Tucker Carlson retracted the bitter comments he made in a televised segment slamming Brown last week after finally getting accepted to the University’s incoming freshman class.

Main Green Ripens Into Delicious Main Orange | Apr 09 2021

Signaling what is for many the official arrival of spring on campus, Brown University’s Main Green has ripened into a delicious Main Orange. “There’s nothing better than meeting up with good friends at the Main Orange in April and slurping down the fruit by the handful,” said Lisa Gable ‘21 as piquant juice from the Main Orange dripped down her chin.

Anticipating Return To Full Campus Activity, University Prepares Graphic In Which “Brown Takes Care” Bear Is Mercilessly Executed | Apr 09 2021

Anticipating a return to residential life and in-person class this fall, Brown’s COVID response team has been solemnly preparing a graphic in which the “Brown Takes Care” bear is mercilessly executed. “We love the little guy… but his time has come,” said the bear’s designer Justine McCormick, stifling a sob as she shakily dragged her mouse to insert a guillotine graphic next to the beloved cartoon mascot.

Freshman Eating Banana On Main Green Discovering What It Means To Be Real, Independent Adult | Apr 09 2021

Sources report that freshman Adam Alvins is discovering what it means to be a real, independent adult by sitting on the Main Green and eating a banana. “Ah, this is the good life isn’t it,” exclaimed an earnest Alvins, lounging in a COVID-containment circle on the green and pulling a banana out of his backpack.

Report: Oh Hey, Test Result Negative | Apr 09 2021

According to a recent report from your roommate, oh hey, his COVID test result came back negative. “Oh hey, look at that,” he said, opening his phone to read an email from Verily. “Looks like I’m negative. Nice.” At press time, oh cool, turns out he did okay on that assignment.

BDH Clearly Leaves Every Paper Till Night Before | Apr 09 2021

Students across campus have reported that The Brown Daily Herald clearly leaves every paper until the night before it’s due. “God, it’s so painfully obvious that this was rushed together last night,” said BDH reader Medhi Tahir, leafing through a copy of the campus paper and shaking his head at the occasional typo.

CCB To Leave UCS But Gets It If No One Cares | Apr 09 2021

Amid the release of the spring UCS survey, CCB announced that they are planning on leaving UCS but totally get it if no one cares. “CCB provides invaluable resources for the campus community through events and elections, which is why we must become independent,” said junior class CCB President Indigo Breyers, inviting every one of his Facebook friends to like CCB’s upcoming Zoom dance marathon.

Rich Friend’s High School Not Called High School | Apr 09 2021

According to rich student Amanda Beckinsale, her high school was not called a high school. “Oh, me? I went to Choate Rosemary Hall, in Connecticut,” said Beckinsdale, referring to her secondary school without using the phrase “high school” to describe it.

History Concentrator Snags Internship Blowing Dust Off Of Big, Old Books | Apr 09 2021

History concentrator Jim Dickens has reportedly landed a coveted summer internship blowing the dust off of big, old books. “I was able to network with my professor’s friend who is an absolute giant in the dusty old book industry, and he hooked me up with this sweet opportunity,” explained Dickens as he put on a fancy little pair of white gloves to touch the gross old books.

Alef Beats Hoping No Other A Cappella Group Upstages Arrangement Of “Lifnei She’Yigamer” | Apr 09 2021

Diligently rehearsing for their upcoming virtual concert, Brown’s Jewish a cappella group The Alef Beats hoped that no other a cappella group would upstage their arrangement of ‘Lifnei She’Yigamer.’ “There are 14 a cappella groups at Brown, so of course there’s some overlap with songs,” said The Alef Beats’ co-president Jacob Perlman ’21, nervously scanning the websites of The Jabberwocks, The Ursa Minors, and Harmonic Motion to ensure that no one else had added a rendition of the song, sung fully in Hebrew, to their repertoire.

Student Getting Vaccine Early Has Underlying Condition Of Wanting To Go To Cancún Really Badly | Apr 09 2021

Sources report that junior Sam Redmond, who is receiving the COVID-19 vaccine before many of his peers, has an underlying condition of wanting to go to Cancún really badly. “You hear a lot of scary stories about the people with preexisting conditions in these times,” Redmond explained, referring to his underlying condition of experiencing only in-country vacations this year.

Poli-Sci Concentrator Won’t Stop Speaking Like He In Aaron Sorkin Script | Apr 09 2021

To the great frustration of those around him, Political Science concentrator Kwame Bishop will not stop speaking like he is in an Aaron Sorkin script. “Do I come off as unhinged? You bet your ass,” said Bishop, continuing to walk at a furious pace as if he were picking up classified foreign intelligence briefings and not an Uncrustable from Jo’s.

Students Eating Lunch On Faunce Steps Like Jungle Creatures On Ruins Of Mesoamerican Pyramid | Apr 09 2021

On a gorgeous spring day on the Main Green last Friday, students ate their lunch on the Faunce steps like jungle creatures on the side of a long-abandoned Mesoamerican pyramid. “It’s such a beautiful day to meet with a friend for lunch on the steps of Faunce!” said junior Margie Graham, sharing clementines with her friend as if they were primates feeding on the stone steps of a ruined Aztec pyramid.

Student Hoping Thesaurus.com Will Spruce Up Sad Essay | Apr 09 2021

As he worked to complete his paper for ENGL 0346, junior Christopher Pfeiffer was hoping that Thesaurus.com would spruce up his sad, sad essay. “Perhaps I can exchange ‘important’ for ‘paramount’,” Pfeiffer wondered, scratching his head and staring forlornly at his very dry essay.

Brown Contacts Student About Needing New COVID Test During COVID Test | Apr 09 2021

Sources report that while receiving a COVID test at the Olney-Margolies Athletic Center, student Verrazzano Armstrong was contacted about scheduling another COVID test. “I had just finished blowing my nose and was waiting for the worker to give me the nasal swab,” Armstrong stated, wearily scrolling down the Verily mobile site.

Tour Guide Just Lying | Apr 09 2021

Tour guide Steven Yule is reportedly just lying. Yule, who has been a tour guide for the past two years, has never shared accurate information about Brown’s campus with his respective tour groups. “The food here is like what your grandma makes,” he consciously fibbed as he passed the Ratty, basking in the glory of overeager nods from the group of emotionally vulnerable high school juniors.

UCS Candidate Boldly Promises To Stop Posting About UCS Election If You Vote For Him | Apr 09 2021

Promoting his student government campaign on each of his social media accounts, UCS Presidential Candidate Michael Thompson boldly promised to stop posting about the UCS election if you vote for him. “I’m excited to act on my broad platform of ideas to help the student body, especially by quieting down about the UCS election after this is all over,” Thompson said in one post, emphasizing that his first act as UCS President would be to stop plastering Instagram and Facebook with lists of his priorities and endorsements.

Class Of 2021 Graduation Just Christina Paxson Yelling “Scram!” With Tears In Her Eyes | Apr 09 2021

The University has announced that the Class of 2021’s graduation ceremony will consist of Christina Paxson yelling “Scram!” at the graduating seniors while struggling to hold back her tears. “Christina Paxson will be forgoing the usual speech and will instead scream ‘Go on, git!’ at the crowd until the seniors eventually wander off campus,” explained representative for University Events Margot Chapman.

Freshman From Massachusetts To Debut Saying ‘Y’all’ Tonight | Apr 09 2021

Freshman Jaden Supine, from Newton, Massachusetts, has decided he will try saying “y’all” for the first time tonight. “I’m from just outside the Boston area, so I obviously never heard ‘y’all’ growing up,” Supine said, anxiously rehearsing the word in the mirror.

Anabaptist Senior Glad They No Longer Have To Spend Two Hours In First Baptist Church Of Providence | Apr 09 2021

Feeling relieved that he would not have to attend his graduation in a building where people believe infants should be baptized at birth, anabaptist senior Hans Hoffman is grateful that this year’s virtual ceremony will not take place at the First Baptist Church of Providence.

Report: Understanding Nod Should Suffice As Participation | Apr 09 2021

In order to get credit for her ENGL 0101B Zoom discussion section, Elvira Dos Santos ’22 timidly stepped into the conversation with a firm understanding nod that she believed should suffice as participation. “This should be enough of a contribution to the discussion from me today, I think," Dos Santos said, bobbing her head lightly in response to a comment from a classmate and glancing to make sure she was still muted.

Law Firm Neck-And-Neck With Academic Paper For World's Longest String Of Kooky Names | Apr 09 2021

According to a recent report from the Guinness Book of World Records, a personal injury law firm has pulled into a dead heat with an academic journal article in the race for the world’s longest string of kooky names. “Up until now, the record was indisputably held by the paper on microfinance in developing countries by Schnoyder, Gruckleshanks, Borp, and Toggledy-Smath (2017),” said a spokesperson for Guinness World Records, noting that this group of authors won the title over a number of strong contenders with highly unique names.

Friends Signing Off-Campus Lease Excited To Eventually Despise Each Other | Apr 09 2021

After signing a lease for an off-campus house next year, a local group of friends is excited to gradually grow to despise each other while living together. “It’s gonna be so sick to share a house and get in constant fights over our incompatible living habits,” said one member of the group, looking forward to spending their senior year at each other’s throats.

Brown Administration Worried 4/20 Will Lead To Spike In Positive Vibes | Apr 09 2021

Citing the tradition of students gathering on the Main Green to smoke marijuana on April 20th, University administrators are worried that 4/20 will lead to a drastic increase in positive vibes. “We know that in years past, students have enjoyed gathering on 4/20 and getting higher than the Carrie Bell Tower," wrote vice president of campus life Eric Estes in an email to students.

Senior Turning In Thesis Excited To Never Think About Topic Again | Apr 09 2021

Sources report that senior Janis Frank, who is about to turn in her senior honors thesis, is very excited to never think about the topic ever again. “After I press send, there is no way my mind will ever stumble upon this topic even by accident,” said Frank, who wrote two pages in the introduction, three in the conclusion, and an epilogue about how this thesis would fill a critical gap in the scholarship that was urgently needed in the field.

Renaissance Faire Internship Offers Generous Stipend Of One-And-Twenty Ducats | Apr 09 2021

A local Renaissance faire recently posted a summer opportunity offering prospective interns a generous stipend of one-and-twenty ducats. “Hear ye, hear ye, fair youths seeking gainful apprenticeships in the midsummer season,” read a large vellum poster fastened onto tree trunks about town.

Student Walking Into OMAC Testing Site Like It The Bar From Cheers | Apr 09 2021

Visiting the reliable cast of characters at the OMAC testing center two to three times a week, sophomore Brian Goldblatt is walking into the place like it’s the bar from the long-running NBC sitcom Cheers. “Brian!” said all of the smiling workers at the testing center in unison as Goldblatt made his entrance into the OMAC.

Senior Not Looking For Long-Term Commitment, Just Job With Benefits | Apr 09 2021

Venting to friends about her inability to find something stable to count on, graduating senior Shannon Pryor emphasized that she’s not looking for any long-term commitment — just a job with benefits. “I just think what I want right now is a job with benefits that I don’t have to be too tied down to,” Pryor said, admitting that she might even settle for a handful of part-time gigs here and there in the meantime.

Econ Professor Sprinkling Some Race Science Into Lectures Just For Fun | Apr 09 2021

Brown economics professor Tomas Gablor has reportedly been sprinkling race science into his class’s lecture material just for fun. “To begin our unit on comparative development of historical economies, we’ll be comparing the productivity of major states in different regions over the past thousand years,” Gablor explained with a playful glint in his eye, gesturing at a highly problematic graph with an x-axis labeled ‘time’ and a y-axis labeled ‘complexity of civilization.’ “To buttress and clarify our analysis, we’ll be using an approach that’s common throughout the economics literature: comparing different ethnic and genetic groups." “As economists, our task is to develop models that can explain messy economic realities, such as the fact that some societies have become advanced while others have not,” Gablor added racistly, smirking mischievously as he showed an extremely offensive bell-shaped graph of GDP at varying levels of national diversity.

Freshman Psyched To Spend Summer Sweating Ass Off In Cinderblock Dorm | Apr 09 2021

Looking forward to returning to Wooley Hall for the summer semester, area freshman Freddy Wong ’24 was pretty psyched to spend the summer sweating his ass off in his cinderblock dorm room. “I hear Providence is absolutely beautiful in the summer,” said Wong, looking forward to dreading every second he spends in his dorm this summer.

Student In Nonfiction Workshop Thinks Present Tense Really Puts You In The Moment There | Apr 09 2021

Chiming in to share her feedback on the piece up for workshop, Creative Nonfiction student Emily Dibiasi emphasized that she thinks the present tense really puts you in the moment there. “I just think that putting this part in the present tense did a really good job making you feel like this was going on right now,” Dibiasi said, noting that the change in verb tenses actually didn’t trip her up at all.

College Experience Really Flew By, Reports Freshman | Apr 09 2021

Reflecting on his past week of parties and in-person welcome events, freshman Billy Parsons reported that his college experience really flew by. “When I left for college, everyone told me to soak it all in while I could,” Parsons said, reminiscing on his first Ratty visit that happened a mere ten days ago.

Provost Locke Keeps Slipping Phrase “Group Hopping” Into Conversation In Hopes That It Will Catch On | Apr 09 2021

According to his colleagues in University Hall, Provost Richard Locke has been routinely slipping the phrase “group hopping” into casual conversation in the hopes that the phrase will catch on. “I just saw some students on the Main Green, looks like they were doing some major group hopping,” Locke said to his assistant, eagerly analyzing their reaction to see if his newly-coined phrase had any staying potential.

Senior Superlatives | Apr 09 2021

We here at the Noser have this tradition called “Senior Superlatives.” We invented it and the basic idea is that we make categories that you can nominate your friends for. Fill it out! - Most Swag - Most Likely to Wake Up And It Was All A Dream - Grubbiest Little Hands - America’s Funniest Home Video - Most Distasteful Goon - Always Tending To The Gardenias - Master Of The Forge - Most Likely To Tell Me The Story I Like, You Know The One - Best Ill-Fated Couple Of LA Dreamers - Headed Straight To Kansas City - Most Structurally Compromised Load-Bearing Walls - ...okay? - Most Legs - Most Likely To Meet Their Demise One Foggy Morning At The Hoover Dam - Worst Brown/RISD Weekly.