Sources report that an entire seventh-grade class in Barrington Middle School is currently freaking the fuck out about having to write a bibliography.
“What even is that??” said student Daisy Goldmeier, struggling to process the news that she and her classmates have to include bibliographies in their essays about the Civil Rights Movement.
According to the stunned patrons of local coffee shop Beans United, the café’s menu display is written in over 10,000 shades of chalk. “I went up to the barista to order a drink, but when I saw the menu overhead, I was so dazzled by the vast array of colors that I couldn’t speak,” recounted James Marshall of his experience with the display written in more colors than the human eye can reasonably differentiate.
Thumping his fist on some exposed drywall, area dad Bill Henderson would bet anything that’s a load-bearing wall. “I’d bet the deed to my entire house that wall’s load-bearing right there,” said Henderson, hiking up his jeans and rethinking his entire home improvement plan.
Kitchen sources report that a totally delusional onion is trying to become a plant in the cabinet. “It’s honestly so sad. What does it think is going to happen in there?” said area woman Mara Wallach, watching her forgotten onion put so much effort into sprouting a green stalk in the cabinet as if it could ever become a plant there.
At 8:45 PM on Monday night, as Smitties department store began to close up for the evening, store manager Martha Burgess reported that all remaining shoppers had fifteen minutes to find their children.
“Attention all shoppers: please make your final selections and locate any children that you swore were by your side just a minute ago,” Burgess announced over the loudspeaker.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
