Yesterday, President Obama announced a set of sweeping fictional measures targeting a runaway financial industry. In a press conference televised in the imaginations of millions of affluent liberals, the President laid out a forceful defense of strong checks on corrupt banking practices.
Professor of Anthropology David Harding began Tuesday’s lecture for ANTH 0202: “Introduction to Methods in Anthropology” with a brief explanation of “social Darwinism,” paying seemingly no heed to the luminescent radioactive sewage coating his entire body.
The United States announced out loud to itself this Thursday that it knows it left its troops around here someplace. This marks the third time in a week that the nation has casually forgotten just where it put its soldiers. It could have sworn that it set them down somewhere near the Red Sea—although come to think of it, it could have been the Black Sea.
Meeting Thursday afternoon to outline a character’s death in the forthcoming made-for-TV movie “Greener Pastures,” a group of ten 35-to-50-year-old Lifetime writers considered numerous cancers, but were determined to hold out until they found the very saddest one.
Wall Street continued its downward trend in the final quarter of 2012, with the Dow Jones plunging 150 points. Economists attributed the drop to skepticism toward the Federal Government’s program of quantitative easing, the massive eyeball-swallowing craze that swept the nation yesterday evening around 6:00 p.m., and Europe’s continued economic troubles.