The Brown Noser

Weird Sound Coming from Man Chained to Radiator

Providence homeowner and pharmacist Terry Grossman reported yesterday that he is now seriously unnerved by the persistent sound coming from the man chained to his radiator. “It’d be okay if it were a constant hum,” said Grossman. “It’s that sporadic banging around and yelping that really spooks me.

It’s Not You, It’s This Breakup Song I Need to Write

Hannah, babe, don’t look at me that way. You know it kills me when you look at me that way. We’ve been over this before, and we both knew this day had to come. I just want to make sure we’re clear, though—it’s not you, it’s this breakup song I need to write.

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Professor Just Lecturing Away Like He’s Not Covered in Radioactive Sewage

Professor of Anthropology David Harding began Tuesday’s lecture for ANTH 0202: “Introduction to Methods in Anthropology” with a brief explanation of “social Darwinism,” paying seemingly no heed to the luminescent radioactive sewage coating his entire body.

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Singer-Songwriter-Arsonist Thinks of Self Primarily as Songwriter

In an interview given yesterday for the online music magazine Pitchfork, singer-songwriter-arsonist Fred Marsden said that he primarily focuses his attention on his songwriting.

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Tom Brady Struggling to Identify With Stick Figure Tom Brady in Playbook

With 30 seconds left on the clock, quarterback Tom Brady on the 10-yard line and the Patriots three points down, Coach Bill Belichick pulled out a totally unrelatable play involving a thin, fragile stick figure Tom Brady chasing a long, squiggly arrow into the end zone.

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Grandpa Would Still Be Alive If You Were a Child Prodigy Who Cured Dementia

Doctors announced yesterday that your Grandpa Pat would still be alive and looking after you if you had been a brilliant young biologist and cured the disease that destroyed his life.

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