The Brown Noser

Weird Sound Coming from Man Chained to Radiator

Providence homeowner and pharmacist Terry Grossman reported yesterday that he is now seriously unnerved by the persistent sound coming from the man chained to his radiator. “It’d be okay if it were a constant hum,” said Grossman. “It’s that sporadic banging around and yelping that really spooks me.

Obama to Take On Wall Street in Ongoing Mass Hallucination

Yesterday, President Obama announced a set of sweeping fictional measures targeting a runaway financial industry. In a press conference televised in the imaginations of millions of affluent liberals, the President laid out a forceful defense of strong checks on corrupt banking practices.

Professor Just Lecturing Away Like He’s Not Covered in Radioactive Sewage

Professor of Anthropology David Harding began Tuesday’s lecture for ANTH 0202: “Introduction to Methods in Anthropology” with a brief explanation of “social Darwinism,” paying seemingly no heed to the luminescent radioactive sewage coating his entire body.

Nation Knows It Left Its Troops Around Here Somewhere

The United States announced out loud to itself this Thursday that it knows it left its troops around here someplace. This marks the third time in a week that the nation has casually forgotten just where it put its soldiers. It could have sworn that it set them down somewhere near the Red Sea—although come to think of it, it could have been the Black Sea.

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It’s Not You, It’s This Breakup Song I Need to Write

Hannah, babe, don’t look at me that way. You know it kills me when you look at me that way. We’ve been over this before, and we both knew this day had to come. I just want to make sure we’re clear, though—it’s not you, it’s this breakup song I need to write.

POINT: Racism is Bad / COUNTERPOINT: Come On, You Guys, Don't Make Me Write This

*POINT: Racism is Bad by Anthony Williams* Historically, racial minorities have endured horribly unjust discrimination, both directly though the legal system and through more unspoken social practices. While it’s true that much of this de jure racism has been eradicated since the civil rights movement of the ‘60s, much of the de facto racism is still present.

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Singer-Songwriter-Arsonist Thinks of Self Primarily as Songwriter

In an interview given yesterday for the online music magazine Pitchfork, singer-songwriter-arsonist Fred Marsden said that he primarily focuses his attention on his songwriting.

Romney to Shove Cantaloupes Up His Nose in Appeal to Surrealist Voters

As part of a last-ditch effort to shore up his standing in swing states, Mitt Romney has brought out a surprise weapon: cantaloupes, inside his nose, in front of audiences.

Ralph Nader Trying to Figure Out How He Can Fuck This One Up

With Election Day fast approaching, Green Party activist and former presidential candidate Ralph Nader has his staff working around the clock to figure out if there is any possible way for him to completely fuck everything up. “I know I’m not running this time, so things are maybe different,” said Nader this week to members of his staff.

Palestinian Father Takes Sons to Airstrike Show

Last Sunday at 5 a.m., Khalid Farouki, 31, rushed into his sons’ room, shook them awake and hurriedly snuck them out of the house to watch his neighborhood’s weekly airstrike show—a local tradition for the whole family to enjoy.

Obama's New Llama Gets in All Kinds of Drama

In the nation’s latest election-year drama, President Obama’s new llama suggested we bomb a collegian Peloponnesian region to increase our prestige in the region. This suggestion was met with skepticism by voters, who widely believed that the llama suggested this only for the sake of the rhyme.

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Grandpa Would Still Be Alive If You Were a Child Prodigy Who Cured Dementia

Doctors announced yesterday that your Grandpa Pat would still be alive and looking after you if you had been a brilliant young biologist and cured the disease that destroyed his life.

Scientists Find Genetic Basis for Searching for Reason and Order Where There is None

In a paper published in this week’s issue of “Science,” Harvard University geneticist Dr. Robert Rothschild identified within the reams of uninterpretable data that constitute the human genome a basis for searching for reason and order in a universe where there is barely any at all.

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