The Brown Noser

University Found Dead At 249

Officials with the Providence Police Department announced this afternoon that local institution of higher learning, Brown University, passed away yesterday at the age of 249. “Though information is still trickling in, we can confirm that the University was found dead Thursday morning on a plot of land in Providence, R.I., on the eve of its semiquincentenary,” Chief Sheriff David M.

White Man Fantasizes About Being A Black Woman Who Defends White Men From Accusations Of Racism

Don Pemberton ’14 confessed yesterday that he often imagines what it would be like to defend white people from racism as a black woman, thus demonstrating the good intentions of whites everywhere and convincing other black people to seriously re-examine their own lives.

Comp Lit Concentrator Still Calls Them Chapter Books

Comparative Literature concentrator Jeffrey Pastis ‘14.5 still refers to any text divided into sections as a chapter book. “My work focuses on turn-of-the-century chapter books, and the transition from realism to symbolist and proto-modernist strategies,” said Pastis of his thesis, a detailed review of turn-of-the-century Russian literature.

Area Woman Unabashedly Using Ex’s Netflix Account

Four months after their breakup, Jill Laettner ’14 is still unabashedly using her ex-boyfriend’s Netflix account to stream hundreds of movies and television shows. The couple had used Laettner’s computer to access the Netflix “Watch Instantly” service, so when the two split she was still logged in to her ex’s account.

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GOP Racism Will Set Us Back 60 Years Unless We Destroy Their Secret Temporal Vortex by Professor Of Africana Studies And Time Sheriff Julius Chronoton

Turn on your television and it’s like looking into the 1950s. And I’m not just referring to the specially modified televisions that Time Sheriffs used to monitor the various streams of space and time. No, I’m referring to a Republican Party intent on sending this country back to segregationist times, both through hateful, race-baiting rhetoric and the secret temporal vortex they have created under the Positron Caves.

I Am But A Weary Traveler Hoping To Gain Shelter For The Night And Bury My Pee Pee Around Your House While You Sleep By A Weary Traveler

Good evenin’, sir. Many thanks indeed for answering the door on such a stormy night, when the wind’s a-blowing and the snow’s a-swirling. It’s on nights like this that I must rely on the kindness of magnanimous souls such as yourself. For I am but a weary traveler hoping to gain shelter for the night and bury my pee pee around your house while you sleep.

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Community Gathers To Vaguely Remember Victim

According to the account of grief-stricken residents, the town of Dalton, Ga. gathered together as a community on Sunday to vaguely remember Rachel Milliner, the teenage victim of last week’s hit-and-run car accident. “Rachel never, so far as I can recall, had a mean word to say to anybody,” recounted classmate Alex Johnston, who sat behind Rachel last year in Algebra—unless it was the Rachel that sat in front of him the year before in Geometry.

Cops Arrest Russian Army For Breaking The Law

In the wake of Russia’s illegal incursion into Crimea, the cops moved swiftly to bring to justice all involved. President Putin, Parliamentary leaders, and the entire higher command of the Russian Army were peacefully subdued and brought directly to prison.

Department Of Defense Adopts Man-To-Man Coverage

Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel announced on Friday that the United States Department of Defense would be switching its national security strategy to man-to-man coverage. “Upon weighing the comparative merits of a conventional policy combining military and contractor resources versus one based on a stripped down, man-to-man approach," Hagel explained, "the Joint Chiefs of Staff and I decided it would be best to change up our playbook.” “Each ‘X’ stands for one of our personnel.

Mayor Vows To Investigate Who Spent The Pension Fund On Awesome Pool Party At The Mayor's House

Clad in a bathing suit, flippies and a tank top reading, “Keep Calm and Pool Party: Birthday Bash at the Mayor’s House,” Mayor Tad Buckles vowed at a press conference yesterday to get to the bottom of just who approved blowing the entire pension fund on snacks, brews and an impromptu performance by the mayor’s best friend’s band.

New Revlon Concealer Covers Up Blemishes, All The Bodies

According to a recent press release, the new CoverClear Concealer from Revlon is “chemically proven to erase signs of aging like blemishes, wrinkles, and all of these bodies oh my God there are so many.” The directions on the back of the product’s packaging instruct the user to "simply apply a small drop of Revlon CoverClear and watch as it elegantly masks unflattering sunspots and the severed heads of all the victims what have I done there is so much blood.” The new line of concealer from Revlon hits stores this month, with a new series of television spots to air during primetime programming.

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Toyota Executives Unveil Car With Loudest Vroom Capacity Yet

Executives at Toyota Motor Corporation announced in a press conference yesterday that the new Toyota Blare has a vroom capacity of 93, the highest in Toyota’s fleet. “By increasing the motor’s vroom chamber and adding our new vroom amplifiers we were able to create a car that can go vroom louder than any other car on the market today,” said Toyota chairman Takeshi Uchiyamada.

Archaeologists Think Early Man May Have Lived Completely Encased In Dirt

After decades of field work and intensive research, archaeologists at Cambridge University announced that they believe early man may have lived entirely encased in dirt. The study, published in Nature after extensive peer-review, postulates that the reason we keep on finding early human fossils and artifacts in the dirt is because that’s where they lived.

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