Inspecting the grass stains on his knees from when he played red rover, local kid Willy Peterson realized that he was incredibly dirty and a bath was imminent.
Peterson has reported numerous signs of a forthcoming bath, including the chilling absence of his mom for the last 20 minutes and the faint smell of bubble bath.
New analysis from archivists at the University of Virginia suggest that Hitler’s bodyguards must have been very skilled in their dispatching of assassins sent from the future to kill the then Chancellor of Germany.
“Hitler lived long enough to kill himself,” reported lead researcher Jennifer Richardson.
Claiming that he was finally turning over a new leaf, area man Nathan Enriquez announced triumphantly last Thursday that he’s no longer pretending he’s not pretending to be something he’s not.
“I used to pretend that I wasn’t pretending to be something I’m not.
In a statement released Thursday, the Central Intelligence Agency unequivocally denounced all use of torture on suspected terrorists unless the suspects might know something important.
“The United States has a complicated history of enhanced interrogation, we will not deny,” wrote C.I.A.
Police reports have confirmed that there is a copycat criminal on the loose who has re-killed the same victim as another criminal in the area. Investigators are mostly asking the questions, “What’s this all about?” and “A copy who-what?”
Authorities say DNA evidence suggests the male victim was stabbed in the act of a second killing, and re-buried three feet from his original resting area.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
