Saying that he embellishes a bit to give him an edge in the job market, area man Todd Brinkley lies about being God on his resume. “I know employers are aware of this kind of thing, but I figure they’ll never actually look it up, so I decided to just tell them that I’m God,” Brinkley said, adding that he figured he’d try to attain a little advantage over other applicants by telling employers he is the omnipotent and omniscient creator of all things.
Throwing his arms up in the air, local programmer Abe Steiglitz recently expressed frustration at his inability to get his beep boop machine to beep enough.
Steiglitz, who has been working on the issue since arriving at the big beep boop code company earlier this morning, has reportedly tried all of the usual beep-coaxing tricks to no avail.
Calling animal welfare a core concern of Kraft Foods, CEO John Cahill reassured consumers last Tuesday that Oscar Mayer pigs play in open fields with chihuahuas and become YouTube famous before they are slaughtered, sent down a conveyer belt, and made into hot dogs.
In a development that has rocked the financial world, the stock market ticked a lot today. This includes loud ticks, soft ticks, and a few really loud ticks.
Although the general mood among traders on the floor was that these ticks were not good, some were quite pleased by all of the ticks.
Campus a cappella group The Barnstormers announced at a Wednesday press conference that they will, at some point this year, do that thing like what happens on New York subways where they all start singing some bullshit song on public transit.
“The time has come to expand upon the traditions of carol-singing, Ratty singing, and arch singing,” said group member Stanley Haas ’16 from a stage of disgustingly peppy individuals.