The Brown Noser

Lawyer-Detective-Doctor-Senator Doesn't Know What He's Supposed To Watch To Relax

Detective John Samuels, M.D., Esq., (R-RI) reportedly has nothing to watch on television. “When I head home after a long stakeout after a long shift at the hospital after a long day getting votes together for my charter school bill after hours preparing for my upcoming trial, I just want to relax in front of the TV,” reported Samuels, who also has to make time to raise his angsty 14-year-old daughter Megan and rambunctious 4-year-old son Tommy on his own.

There’s Only One American Sniper And It’s Kobe Bryant From Behind The Three-Point Line

I’ve heard a lot of chatter recently about this “American Sniper,” Chris Kyle. I don’t know much about him but, truth be told, I’ve got a bone to pick with this guy. Why? Well, I don’t think he has any right to be marketing himself like he has been, and that’s because there’s only one “American Sniper”: Kobe Bryant from behind the three-point line.

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Man Lies About Being God On Resume

Saying that he embellishes a bit to give him an edge in the job market, area man Todd Brinkley lies about being God on his resume. “I know employers are aware of this kind of thing, but I figure they’ll never actually look it up, so I decided to just tell them that I’m God,” Brinkley said, adding that he figured he’d try to attain a little advantage over other applicants by telling employers he is the omnipotent and omniscient creator of all things.

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Despairing Kid Realizes Bath Is Imminent

Inspecting the grass stains on his knees from when he played red rover, local kid Willy Peterson realized that he was incredibly dirty and a bath was imminent. Peterson has reported numerous signs of a forthcoming bath, including the chilling absence of his mom for the last 20 minutes and the faint smell of bubble bath.

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Tough Coach Really Just Mean Person

Source report that Bennett Wrigley, coach of high school baseball team the Tulsa Tornadoes, has recently come under fire with the revelation that his “tough love” approach to coaching lacks anything resembling love whatsoever and that Wrigley is just a mean person.

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SpaceX To Become First Corporation To Kill Rich People In Space

Elon Musk, founder and CEO of SpaceX, announced Monday that he hopes his company will be the first to send rich people into space and allow them to be killed there. “I fully intend to send wealthy elites into space where they will be the first human beings to perish there in a fiery crash,” Musk said in a prepared statement, adding that he will personally ensure that a group of moneyed Americans die in space in this century with or without federal approval.

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