The Brown Noser

Lawyer-Detective-Doctor-Senator Doesn't Know What He's Supposed To Watch To Relax | Mar 06 2015

Detective John Samuels, M.D., Esq., (R-RI) reportedly has nothing to watch on television. “When I head home after a long stakeout after a long shift at the hospital after a long day getting votes together for my charter school bill after hours preparing for my upcoming trial, I just want to relax in front of the TV,” reported Samuels, who also has to make time to raise his angsty 14-year-old daughter Megan and rambunctious 4-year-old son Tommy on his own.

Despairing Kid Realizes Bath Is Imminent | Mar 06 2015

Inspecting the grass stains on his knees from when he played red rover, local kid Willy Peterson realized that he was incredibly dirty and a bath was imminent. Peterson has reported numerous signs of a forthcoming bath, including the chilling absence of his mom for the last 20 minutes and the faint smell of bubble bath.

Archives Reveal Hitler's Bodyguards Must Have Been Very Good At Killing Time Traveling Assassins | Mar 06 2015

New analysis from archivists at the University of Virginia suggest that Hitler’s bodyguards must have been very skilled in their dispatching of assassins sent from the future to kill the then Chancellor of Germany. “Hitler lived long enough to kill himself,” reported lead researcher Jennifer Richardson.

Area Man No Longer Pretending He's Not Pretending To Be Something He's Not | Mar 06 2015

Claiming that he was finally turning over a new leaf, area man Nathan Enriquez announced triumphantly last Thursday that he’s no longer pretending he’s not pretending to be something he’s not. “I used to pretend that I wasn’t pretending to be something I’m not.

CIA Denounces Torture Unless They Want To Know Something Important | Mar 06 2015

In a statement released Thursday, the Central Intelligence Agency unequivocally denounced all use of torture on suspected terrorists unless the suspects might know something important. “The United States has a complicated history of enhanced interrogation, we will not deny,” wrote C.I.A.

Copycat Criminal Re-Kills Same Victim | Mar 06 2015

Police reports have confirmed that there is a copycat criminal on the loose who has re-killed the same victim as another criminal in the area. Investigators are mostly asking the questions, “What’s this all about?” and “A copy who-what?” Authorities say DNA evidence suggests the male victim was stabbed in the act of a second killing, and re-buried three feet from his original resting area.

Driver Behind You Somehow Asleep | Mar 06 2015

Sources report that despite his turned-on headlights, his lack of swaying, and the wheel’s responsive steering, the driver of one car on Interstate 95 is inexplicably asleep. “That car is perfectly in the lane and hasn’t swerved once," said Jamie King, a driver sharing the road with the man who is actually managing to drive defensively despite being unconscious.

Feminist Man Prefers Naturally Beautiful Women Without Makeup | Mar 06 2015

Condemning the sexist culture of cosmetics that promotes the objectification of women, feminist man Owen Bern prefers women that don’t wear makeup, provided they are naturally beautiful enough to pull it off. “Makeup only serves to reinforce ridiculously high standards of feminine beauty,” said Bern, whose belief in gender equality renders him more attracted to women that don’t require makeup to look conventionally attractive.

Grandma Making Sure To Mention Race Of Everyone In Story | Mar 06 2015

Sources inside the MacArthur family living room reported that grandmother Ella Mae Whitmore was making sure to mention the race of everyone involved in the story she was telling. “This nice young black boy bagged my groceries,” said Whitmore, adding a detail that would not recur or have any meaning for the rest of the story.

Helicopter Pilot On "The Bachelorette" Pretending He’s The One On Date With Bethany | Mar 06 2015

While flying the Bachelorette Bethany and a contestant over the Grand Canyon, Russ Stockwurt, helicopter pilot for the ABC reality show, has crafted an elaborate scenario in his mind in which he’s the one taking the 24-year-old paralegal Rodger on the date.

Host Of Cooking Show Continuing Like She Didn't Just Cut Her Finger Off | Mar 06 2015

Calling cornish game hen perfect for an easy family dinner, sources confirmed that host of cooking show “Miranda Meals Now” was continuing the program like she didn’t just cut her finger off. “I’m going to let you in on my little trick—cut a whole lemon into quarters and stick it right in the middle of the hen for some yummy citrus bite”, the Food Network chef explained loudly, using her finger stub to squeeze lemon juice over the animal carcass.

Ikea Instruction Booklet Man Has No Idea What To Do With All This Furniture He’s Built | Mar 06 2015

The little outline of a man featured prominently in the Ikea assembly guides confessed yesterday morning that he is at a loss as to what to do with all this furniture he’s built. Speaking from amidst a vast sea of tables, desks, and bureaus, the man said that he sort of just got into a rhythm, and definitely doesn’t have a use for the majority of the admittedly well-designed items he now owns.

Junkyard Packed With Enterprising Orphans | Mar 06 2015

According to city employees, a community of intelligent, inventive orphans is thriving in the annals of the Woonsocket Municipal Junkyard. The orphans, estimated to be aged from 3 to 14, have been making their homes among the rusting car frames and discarded steel girders for years, creating a surprisingly sophisticated makeshift community.

Little Man In Big Plow Thinks He's Big Man | Mar 06 2015

Local authorities confirmed this Thursday evening that little man Stevie Archer, local city snow plower, thinks he’s big, big man in his big, big snowplow. The little man has been spotted plowing around in the snow telling strangers on the street, “I am big man! Look at my big plow—I am big man!” To which strangers respond, “No you’re not! You just have a big plow!” They respond this way because he is a little man.

Man Addressing Fan Letter Realizes Mozart Has Been Dead For Over 200 Years | Mar 06 2015

Saying that he’d worked hard writing it and was disappointed, area man James Tobias told reporters today that he had realized while addressing a fan letter that Mozart has been dead for more than 200 years. “I’d been wanting to tell this Mozart just how much I love his music,” Tobias said, adding that he’d hoped to be able to go see Mozart in concert someday.

Mom Talking About Her Lost Years Again | Mar 06 2015

Saying that she’s veered off topic and is now discussing the hazy three years she lived on the West Coast with some guy, teenager Michael Rorty told reporters that his mom, Marianne, is talking about her lost years again. “She was asking me about my day at dinner and then some guy named Jonathan came up, and now she’s talking about how they lived in a tiny house in Venice Beach for a few years before she married my dad,” Rorty said, noting that his mom has this rapt, dreamlike expression on her face, the same one she always has when talking about this stuff.

Mother Sounds Sad | Mar 06 2015

Joint research by Izzy Mueller, 11, and Caleb Mueller, 9, of Cranston, R.I., has determined that their mother sounds sad this evening. From their perch on the carpeted stairs to the second floor, Izzy and Caleb told reporters that their mother’s “big sighs” and “sleepy noises” while preparing dinner were the final clues leading to their diagnosis.

Newscaster Loudly Exclaims “What?” After Reading Each Story | Mar 06 2015

Noting that he’s almost always bewildered by what he’s reading, newscaster Rodney Dilfert loudly exclaims “What?” after reading every story. “The Fairfax County school board has reportedly decided to ban all saturated fats from their lunches,” said Dilfert during a broadcast, scrunching his eyes in confusion.

Only Three More Months Until Fourth Grader Gets To Quit The Violin Gracefully | Mar 06 2015

Sources are reporting that only three more months remain until fourth grader Becky Schmidt gets to make a graceful exit from playing the violin. Becky, who took up the instrument at her parents’ suggestion in September, has spent most of her practice time awaiting the moment when she gets to hang up her bow for good without losing too much face.

Penguin Classics Edition Of “Moby-Dick” Has 500 Introductions | Mar 06 2015

British publishing house Penguin Group has confirmed that the new Penguin Classics edition of “Moby-Dick” will have 500 introductions. In addition to introductions written by literary scholars, the new edition features forewords by a host of specialists including marine biologists, soup spoon collectors, and amateur patent lawyers who all lend their own unique take and expertise to the American classic.

Pool Hustler Tricks Unsuspecting Victims Into Believing Pool Will Be Fun To Play | Mar 06 2015

Police have been searching for a suspect as a pool hustler has been frequenting local bars and convincing patrons that playing pool might be a fun way to spend their time. One regular at Salty’s Tavern, Joe Curtis, was taken in by the swindler and played nearly three games before realizing pool is a boring waste of time.

Purchase Of 20-Person Tandem Bicycle Less Reasonable In Hindsight | Mar 06 2015

Saying that she initially felt it was a sensible thing to do, area woman Jill Roberts realized today that her purchase of a 20-person tandem bicycle wasn’t the best decision. “I excitedly brought home this huge bike from the bike store like, ‘I’m gonna get all my friends to ride this thing,’” Roberts said, adding that she had plans to go to the park with a large group and ride around all day.

Report: Local Public School System Spends 20% Of Budget On Big Sticks To Put Up Mr. Henderson’s Butt | Mar 06 2015

A report released by the Burrillville School Department shows that the district spends almost 20% of their yearly budget on big sticks to put up Burrillville Middle School history teacher Albert Henderson’s butt. The report indicates that almost $30 million of taxpayer money annually goes towards funding the process of collecting the sticks as well as the labor necessary for shoving them all up Mr.

Sad Man Checking His Email Again | Mar 06 2015

Sources report that area man Brendan Kaufman is once again checking his email. Despite having clicked the refresh button on his browser just a little bit ago, the sad man figured there’s no harm in checking again. “When I’m bored I just like to check it a lot.

Strong Female Lead Wears Leather Jacket, Has Trust Issues | Mar 06 2015

Lauded by critics as a groundbreaking anti-heroine, sources confirmed yesterday that the female protagonist in new drama “Aurelius Is Burning” wears a leather jacket and has trust issues. “She’s clever, cold, and despises men,” reports A.O.

“Just Like Flapjacks In Cabo” Voted Nation’s Most Inside Joke | Mar 06 2015

Narrowly beating out “widdle jackwabbit,” and “hot sauce fart death,” industry officials have announced that “Just Like Flapjacks in Cabo” was voted Nation’s Most Inside Joke. The selection was based on the obscure, unrelatable nature of the reference, as well as how frequently it is brought up in conversation to the exclusion of others.

Area Dad’s Hatred For Bar Mitzvah Parties Outweighed By Love For Torah | Mar 06 2015

Admitting that smug middle schoolers could not sully the pleasures of a community coming together in prayer, sources confirmed Saturday night that 49-year-old David Shribner’s hatred for bar mitzvah parties was outweighed by his unquenchable thirst for the delicious taste of sweet Torah.

The Only Reason I “Manspread” On The Subway Is That I Have A Horizontal Penis | Mar 06 2015

When I ride the subway I slouch in my seat and stretch my knees wide. I often take up two or three seats at a time, forcing women and the elderly to stand. Sound familiar? Yes, I am a “manspreader." Maybe this makes me inconsiderate, but I wouldn’t spread my legs if I didn’t need to.

Off Campus (Mar 06 2015 issue)