Saying she is trying to keep her options open, Hallie Barnes ’16 can’t decide which city she wants to gentrify after graduation in the spring.
“I could see myself increasing property values and supplanting local culture in Detroit,” said Barnes, whose parents have promised to help her pay rent wherever she decides to displace low-income families after school.
Calling it an “unforeseen tragedy,” reports on Thursday have confirmed that famed magician and endurance artist David Blaine has died in a big bubble thing-related accident.
The acclaimed illusionist’s latest stunt, which featured him being suspended in what appeared to be a huge-ass transparent bubble, reached its tragic conclusion early Thursday morning.
Screaming phrases like “What!”, “Wow!”, and “Incredible!” as he stepped from the dark hall to the sunny front porch, local man Ewan Peggers told reporters last Tuesday that he can’t help but scream with pure joy every single time his transition glasses transition.
Praised for its commitment to a complex, serialized narrative, television drama “Promontory Point” features a “previously on” segment that covers almost all of recorded human history. The show, which follows the impact of a mine closing in a close-knit Utah town, spends nearly 40 of its weekly 44-minute run time glossing over major developments since human beings started practicing agriculture nearly 10,000 years ago.
Warwick resident Shauna Maxwell, who has recently started watching “The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt,” is still in the process of deciding which characters in the Netflix sitcom she wants to have sex with each other.
“My first thought was that Kimmy and Titus should fuck,” said Maxwell, who usually gives shows a few episodes before deciding which fictional people she thinks should have implied sex.
Local man Louis Mitchell, who quite frankly has had it up to here, is only raising his hand slightly above his waist, sources confirm. “I’ve tried to be accommodating, but, to be honest, I have about this much patience left,” said Mitchell, spreading his arms far away from each other. “If I’m the only one taking what we’re doing seriously, I might as well just take all my things and go home right now.” A short time later, Mitchell reportedly agreed to stay and sit quietly.
Not everyone might be so excited about my candidacy, but they’re going to have to face the fact that a Hillary Clinton presidency is inevitable. It’s just going to happen. In fact, the only way it doesn’t happen is if people don’t vote for me.
I consider myself one of the luckiest guys in the world. Every day, I am so grateful I get paid to do what I love for a living: play baseball. It has become a huge part of my life. I love baseball. But I would not marry baseball.
There is something truly special about baseball.