The Brown Noser

Brown Noser to Replace Daily Herald as Campus's Premier Comedy Newspaper | Dec 01 2006

For 115 years, The Brown Daily Herald has been acclaimed as the only humorous publication on campus. The paper has a rich tradition of comedy, from their amusing spins on campus news to their laughably unfunny comics. Particularly droll have been attempts to remain objective when reporting on hard-hitting issues, such as Daily Jolt posts that discuss "cats' tendency to lick their own crotches" and how "well managed" SexPowerGod was.

SafeRide Driver Arrested for DUI | Dec 01 2006

Pawtucket, RI - The scene in this Providence suburb last Thursday had the potential to be grizzly. The remains of a white fence lay scattered and smashed across a lawn scarred by deep ruts. An out-of-control van had careened off the road and across this lawn, ending up mostly submerged in a swimming pool.

Students Actually Take It Outside, Nothing Ensues | Dec 01 2006

In an unprecedented move, two Brown students actually took what was initially a verbal argument outside of Josiah's, where the altercation began. The move caused extreme confusion as neither of the students had ever taken the fight outside nor heard of someone who had.

Ruth Simmons Gambles Away Seven Buildings in Jewelry District | Dec 01 2006

"Ruth Simmons, President of Brown University, reportedly lost millions of dollars worth of real estate last weekend in what has been criticized by some as an overzealous move in the ""Boldly Brown"" Campaign. Simmons, commonly referred to as ""Slick Hand Simms"", lost the properties in an ""all-in"" hand of rock-paper-scissors to former Harvard President Larry Summers."

History Building Moves, History to Follow | Dec 01 2006

History Department Chair Professor James McClain announced yesterday, in accordance with the plans for "the Walk," that Peter Green House-the current home of his department-would be relocated to a new position. He added excitedly that History would be sure to follow.

Model UN Imposes Sanctions on Iran | Dec 01 2006

"Model UN Imposes Sanctions on Iran Late last night, in a press conference in his private study, the Model UN President announced that after extreme provocation, harsh sanctions would be brought against mock Iran. A ""secret nuclear testing facility,"" run by the Iranians was found in the basement of the Perkins Dormitory earlier this week."

Student Takes Awkward Collar Pull Too Far | Dec 01 2006

After making a bad joke involving two priests and an alpaca, student Mike Finley '08, in an attempt to save the joke, tugged at his collar in the spirit of struggling stand-up comedians. Finley, however, took the pull too far, tearing off the entire garment.

New Research Indicates that Thayer Street Tunnel Leads to Dagobah System | Dec 01 2006

Researchers from the Brown Astrology department concluded this week that the Thayer Street tunnel between Angell and Waterman connects directly to the Dagobah System. Analysis of the tunnel began in 2004 after several members of the Brown community grew suspicious of the sources from which so many RIPTA buses were emerging onto Thayer Street.

Campus Life (Dec 01 2006 issue)