The Brown Noser

Brown Noser to Replace Daily Herald as Campus's Premier Comedy Newspaper | Dec 01 2006

For 115 years, The Brown Daily Herald has been acclaimed as the only humorous publication on campus. The paper has a rich tradition of comedy, from their amusing spins on campus news to their laughably unfunny comics. Particularly droll have been attempts to remain objective when reporting on hard-hitting issues, such as Daily Jolt posts that discuss "cats' tendency to lick their own crotches" and how "well managed" SexPowerGod was.

SafeRide Driver Arrested for DUI | Dec 01 2006

Pawtucket, RI - The scene in this Providence suburb last Thursday had the potential to be grizzly. The remains of a white fence lay scattered and smashed across a lawn scarred by deep ruts. An out-of-control van had careened off the road and across this lawn, ending up mostly submerged in a swimming pool.

Gate Panini Maker of the Month: Guy With Bandana | Dec 01 2006

The Brown Noser salutes you, Guy with Bandana. You craft your paninis with precision and mold with passion. All other panini makers at the Gate pale in comparison, with your superior onion distribution and perfectly balanced sauce application. I know I can rely on you to get it right every time.

Mel Gibson Begins Production on Piglatin Film, Jews Offended | Dec 01 2006

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Actor turned Director turned Anti-Semite Mel Gibson announced yesterday that production has begun on what will be his fourth directed film. "Ourth-Fay Ade-Gray" will be Gibson's third foreign language film, filmed entirely in Pig Latin. "The Passion of the Christ" was filmed entirely in Aramaic, while this year's "Apocalypto" was filmed in Mayan.

Students Actually Take It Outside, Nothing Ensues | Dec 01 2006

In an unprecedented move, two Brown students actually took what was initially a verbal argument outside of Josiah's, where the altercation began. The move caused extreme confusion as neither of the students had ever taken the fight outside nor heard of someone who had.

Ruth Simmons Gambles Away Seven Buildings in Jewelry District | Dec 01 2006

"Ruth Simmons, President of Brown University, reportedly lost millions of dollars worth of real estate last weekend in what has been criticized by some as an overzealous move in the ""Boldly Brown"" Campaign. Simmons, commonly referred to as ""Slick Hand Simms"", lost the properties in an ""all-in"" hand of rock-paper-scissors to former Harvard President Larry Summers."

History Building Moves, History to Follow | Dec 01 2006

History Department Chair Professor James McClain announced yesterday, in accordance with the plans for "the Walk," that Peter Green House-the current home of his department-would be relocated to a new position. He added excitedly that History would be sure to follow.

Model UN Imposes Sanctions on Iran | Dec 01 2006

"Model UN Imposes Sanctions on Iran Late last night, in a press conference in his private study, the Model UN President announced that after extreme provocation, harsh sanctions would be brought against mock Iran. A ""secret nuclear testing facility,"" run by the Iranians was found in the basement of the Perkins Dormitory earlier this week."

Student Takes Awkward Collar Pull Too Far | Dec 01 2006

After making a bad joke involving two priests and an alpaca, student Mike Finley '08, in an attempt to save the joke, tugged at his collar in the spirit of struggling stand-up comedians. Finley, however, took the pull too far, tearing off the entire garment.

New Research Indicates that Thayer Street Tunnel Leads to Dagobah System | Dec 01 2006

Researchers from the Brown Astrology department concluded this week that the Thayer Street tunnel between Angell and Waterman connects directly to the Dagobah System. Analysis of the tunnel began in 2004 after several members of the Brown community grew suspicious of the sources from which so many RIPTA buses were emerging onto Thayer Street.

Spiritus Tops Fortune 500 List | Dec 01 2006

Spiritus Fermenti Inc., a Providence based distributor of wine and spirits, tops this year's Fortune 500 list. Many economists have cited Spiritus Fermenti Inc., referred to simply as "Spiritus" by local constituents, as the ideal business model.

New Erectile Disfunction Pill Causes Spike in Market | Dec 01 2006

New York, NY - The FDA approved the new drug, dubbed Fellitrac, after only 12 days of hard testing-the fastest it has ever completed testing for any drug. In a statement released early Thursday, the FDA said that while testing for Fellitra was completed "much sooner than expected," all side effects had been thoroughly considered.

Bold Changes | Dec 01 2006

Today, I noticed electric curtains in the V-Dub. They slid up and down, and even remained stationary halfway, so as to provide varying amounts of light for diners. And all it took was for a BDS staff member to walk over and press a button. Now, that's a bold change.

V-Dub Doesn't Play Coldplay | Dec 01 2006

The scene was not pretty the morning of November 28th at the V-Dub. To the eyes, everything appeared normal. Students lined up single file, waiting to get their food with eager plates and trays. Verney-Woolley employees generously refilled the containers of bacon, potatoes, Freedom toast, and instant egg/Sea Monkey mix.

Food Review: Happy Dumpling | Dec 01 2006

"Food Review: Happy Dumpling Do you a) smoke marijuana, b) drink alcohol, or c) engage in some other activity (illicit or otherwise) that leaves you craving a delicious, filling, and affordable snack late at night? Then Happy Dumpling is the place for you. Generally, when one writes a review of an establishment, he can provide for you a number of statistics about it such as their menu, prices and hours of operation."

Campus Life (Dec 01 2006 issue)