The Brown Noser

Area Mother Will Pull this Goddamn Minivan Over, Just Watch Her | Sep 07 2012

Oh dear God, according to multiple reports received about two minutes ago on highway I-95, area mother Karen Quinn will pull this goddamn minivan over immediately, just “effing” watch her. Witnesses silently confirmed that Quinn, the owner of the vehicle and passengers in question, refuses to take any more bull from the car seat area, and will do whatever the hell it takes to make herself perfectly clear.

Netflix Algorithm Totally Gets Greg | Sep 07 2012

The recommendation system for popular movie-streaming website Netflix completely understands Gregory Spiegel ’13. From last summer’s sleeper hits to droll BBC programming, every single suggestion the site has made for him over the past four months has felt handpicked for Spiegel himself.

Simmons Calling Hourly to Check that Paxson Is Doing Okay | Sep 07 2012

The phone of recently inaugurated President Christina Paxson has been ringing off the hook over the past few weeks. The calls, however, come not from other administrators or donors, but from an increasingly concerned former President Ruth Simmons just checking in to see “how her little angel Christina” is doing at her new school.

Aspiring Barista Frustrated by Lack of Coffee Making Opportunities at Internship | Sep 07 2012

Ben Larrick ’13 entered his summer internship at the Better World Foundation with aspirations of gaining practical, real-world experience in the field of coffee brewing. As the internship comes to a close and his final fall semester begins, Larrick feels his time may have been wasted.

Blind Date Will Be the One at the Cafe with Animal Blood All Over Her Blouse by Jon Millstein | Sep 07 2012

Though you do not know the appearance of Alice Harper ’13, she promises that you will identify her easily when you arrive at the Cable Car Cinema and Cafe for your date tomorrow night, from the large quantities of animal blood that will be splattered across her blouse.

Fancy New Gym Requires Student IDs, Full Tuxedoes | Sep 07 2012

The latest addition to Brown’s recreational facilities is by far its most luxurious yet, as indicated by the Nelson Fitness Center’s requirement to present a valid student ID and valid full tuxedo to an attendant upon entrance. “It’s great we require both photo IDs and tuxedos in here, since I wouldn’t want just anyone to be able to sneak in,” said Jackie Henderson ’13, running on the elliptical while two butlers calmly held the train of her silk ball gown.

Professor Prepares to Bullshit His Way Through 53rd Consecutive Semester | Sep 07 2012

Professor of English Kip Barlow spent Monday morning scanning Wikipedia entries on classic literature as he prepared to bullshit his way through his 53rd straight semester on Brown’s faculty. While some may question his qualifications, Barlow is proud of his teaching methods.

Awkward Guy at Party Commits to Satirizing Beer Can Label for Rest of Night | Sep 07 2012

Unsure how to socialize with peers in an easygoing and casual manner, Darren Wesley ‘15 has instead committed to satirizing a Coors Light beer can label for the duration of the party. “Well, I was feeling pretty awkward because I’m not a good conversationalist and I don’t usually like going to parties,” remarked Wesley.

Freshman Imagines Four-Year Friendship Trajectory with Every Person He Meets | Sep 07 2012

Since freshman orientation began, every time Garrett Epstein ‘16 meets a new person, he subsequently imagines the four-year trajectory of their friendship at Brown University. Upon making the acquaintance of classmate Allison Blake ’16, he immediately envisioned the next four years of their relationship.

Freshman Mistakes Wilson for J Walter Wilson, Watson for CIT, Roommate for Potential Friend | Sep 07 2012

According to reports from anyone who knows anything at all about existing at Brown University, freshman Jarred Mitchell ’16 continually makes the most obvious mistakes that a freshman at Brown University could possibly make. Kirsten Blais ’15 reports that she saw him on the third floor of Wilson asking where the stairs up were.

Freshman Walks Through Van Wyckle Gates Twice, Immediately Destroyed by God | Sep 07 2012

Disregarding hundreds of years of superstition, Dennis Harvey ’16 walked through the Van Wyckle gates twice during convocation and was immediately destroyed by God. The gates are known to have ruined the lives of those who dare to disobey its seemingly arbitrary commandment of only walking through them once before graduation.

Hilarious Beer Poster to Comfort Freshman in Loneliest Hour | Sep 07 2012

After an orientation filled with waving awkwardly at girls in his dormitory, standing silently on the outside of multiple circles of students at the ice cream social, and getting zero responses to his mass hangout text messages, Thomas Moore ’16 had nothing to comfort him Friday night but his recently purchased poster of a baby doing a kegstand.

Nation Celebrates Increase | Sep 07 2012

Americans across the nation are celebrating after the White House released a report this Monday indicating a national increase for the month of August. The increase is welcome news considering the unfortunate streak of decrease that has plagued the nation for nearly all of 2012.

Oh Shit, Roommate's One of Those Goddamned Butter Nerds | Sep 07 2012

As Albert Duncan ‘16 finished the wiring on his portable butter churn, Ian Fletcher ’16 began to suspect that something was not quite right with his roommate. "I soon came to realize that Albert’s not like the rest of us," said Duncan. “While your average freshman cares about sports and girls and popular science fiction television shows, Al’s got eyes for only one thing: butter.

Starving Kids in Africa Happy to Hear You Saved the Rest of that Sandwich | Sep 07 2012

The children of sub-Saharan Africa were happy to hear that you saved the rest of that chicken salad sandwich, even though you could have easily thrown it away because you have access to an almost overwhelming supply of nutritious food and a convenient waste disposal system.

Student Resumes Vegetarian Diet After Summer of Cannibalism | Sep 07 2012

As the semester begins anew, Trent Garrison ’14 is set to resume his vegetarian diet, but not without the guilt of a summer of chowing down on barbecued human legs and pulled person sandwiches. “It’s too hard to eat vegetarian at home,” commented Garrison.

Student Who Didn’t Attend Cancer Prevention Fundraiser Must Really Love Cancer | Sep 07 2012

After Justin Blake ’14 failed to attend the Brown Cancer Prevention Society’s five-mile walk to raise funds for cancer treatment, Club President John Erstine ’14 concluded that Blake must “really love cancer” and “really be rooting for it to prevail.” “There was always something a little off about Justin,” said a former acquaintance.

Campus Life (Sep 07 2012 issue)