The Brown Noser

Romney a Horse in Latest Gaffe | Sep 07 2012

Continuing his recent string of embarrassing gaffes, presidential candidate Mitt Romney, during an address on economic policy in Michigan last weekend, was a horse. “Voters look for certain things in a president,” said political consultant Rick Nickerson.

Neither Party at Parent-Teacher Conference Able to Recall Child's Name | Sep 07 2012

A meeting held to discuss the scholastic performance of Reservoir Avenue Elementary first-grader Kim White was derailed last night, when it became clear that neither teacher Eleanor Borninski nor parents Howard and Tessa Sullivan had any idea of the child’s name.

Space Rocks Not So Cool When They're Blocking Your Driveway | Sep 07 2012

Area man Terry Lepore, 39, recently came to the unsettling realization that space rocks stop being cool pretty much as soon as they stop being in space. Lepore contacted authorities on Friday night regarding the towering heap of smoldering space rocks currently blocking his driveway.

Anthropomorphized Tank Engine Far More Loveable, Far Less Reliable than Regular Tank Engine | Sep 07 2012

“Good gosh! Good golly! It’s Diesel Dolly!” is only one of the many chants America’s children have developed to greet the nation’s most popular locomotive. Whether chugging through town to celebrate a young man’s birthday or taking a lengthy diversion to help an injured animal, Diesel Dolly and her highly perishable cargo can be found almost anywhere outside of her scheduled destination.

Old Man Wary of Newfangled Disease | Sep 07 2012

When doctors told retired civil engineer Clifford Dumont he had developed Arnfeldt tremor and ataxia syndrome (ATAS), a neurodegenerative disease first observed in 2005, he responded to the diagnosis the same way he had responded to the advent of cell phones, iPods, and the internet: “leave it to the kids,” he said.

Celebrated Arsonist Giving Firemen Lots of Opportunities to Slide Down Pole | Sep 07 2012

Since early June, a slew of fires set by a yet-to-be-identified arsonist have left clouds of smoke hanging over the city of Pawtucket. But even these clouds have a silver lining: members of the Pawtucket Fire Department report that they have been having tons of fun sliding down the fire station’s pole.

Chick-fil-A CEO Really Only Concerned His Son Might Be Gay | Sep 07 2012

Dan Cathy, the CEO of national fast food chain Chick-fil-A, finally opened up to the press about his true motives for opposing gay marriage: he doesn’t want his son to have one. “Homosexuality as an abstract concept I have no problem with,” said Cathy.

God To Delete History, Reset Top Sites | Sep 07 2012

Sources close to the Almighty say that He will start clearing His browser history on a regular basis. He became interested in permanently deleting previously viewed sites after learning that that “isn’t what the red X does.” “It’s not like I’m trying to hide anything,” remarked God, “I’m just looking to free up some space to increase my browser speed.

Family Glad Dead Child Was Able To Learn Valuable Lesson About Crossing the Street | Sep 07 2012

Following the tragic car accident that claimed the life of Providence nine-year-old Mitchell Brenner, the Brenner family has taken solace only in the fact that the deceased Mitchell will now know to look both ways before crossing the street. In a recent statement regarding the loss of her son, Debra Brenner remarked, “this is truly a family tragedy.” She added, “but it’s also a great learning opportunity for Mitchy.

Everybody at Funeral Realizes How Weird Burying Somebody in the Ground Is | Sep 07 2012

Last Sunday at 3:05pm at the funeral of Providence resident Stephen Cavendish, who died of lung cancer at the age of 78, all those in attendance suddenly and simultaneously realized just how odd the practice of burying the dead really is. Of the 200 in attendance—friends and family of Cavendish—not a single one found themselves able to watch the quizzical scene unfolding before their eyes without asking themselves a few questions, as the oak coffin was lowered into the rectangular hole in the ground and dirt began to be piled on top of it.

Disillusioned Citizens Announce Plan To Put All Hope For Humanity In Baby Anteater At Zoo | Sep 07 2012

The citizens of the world announced yesterday that, after considering the state of politics and general human behavior, they would be placing all hope for the future of humanity in a newborn anteater at the Providence Zoo. Humankind came to this decision yesterday, after a year-long search for something pure to believe in.

Your Parents Were Right About You | Sep 07 2012

In a shocking turn, your parents were vindicated Wednesday at approximately 2:30 p.m., when you made the decision they have no doubt warned you about umpteen hundreds of times over the course of your lifetime and nevertheless knew you would proceed with.

Bungling Mobsters Too Endearing To Arrest | Sep 07 2012

Over the past month, citizens of Providence have faced a resurgent threat from organized crime. While mob activity has resulted in millions of dollars in property damage and several deaths, it does have one thing in its favor: how cute the mobsters get when they’re indignant.

Al Qaeda Fans Up In Arms Over Digitally Remastered 11th Anniversary Collector’s Edition of 9/11 | Sep 07 2012

Tuesday’s release of the digitally remastered 11th Anniversary Collector’s Edition of 9/11 has die-hard Al Qaeda fans shaking their heads in disapproval. As one self-described “Al Qaeda super-fan” explained, “When they go back and add these special effects and CGI, it takes away from the magic of the original.” He continued, “We like the old 9/11 and we’re not interested in this digitally revamped piece of garbage.” In addition to several previously deleted acts of terrorism and an alternate ending in which Osama bin Laden tricks George W.

Actor Recognizes Himself But Not Sure What He Knows Himself From | Sep 07 2012

What’s his name, that actor from that TV show or something, recognized himself this afternoon, but couldn’t remember what he knew himself from. “Maybe I saw myself in a commercial, or I had a bit part on Law and Order SVU?” whatever his name is asked himself, inspecting his uncannily familiar and yet conspicuously unplaceable face in a mirror.

Ant Farmer Dismayed by Lack of Crops, Giant Face Looking at Him | Sep 07 2012

Ant farmer Lionel Stevenson is concerned about the increasingly real prospect of a fruitless harvest. Also, the huge human face watching him. According to Stevenson, this year’s crops have proven to be less than successful. “We planted for months, but nothing will grow,” remarked Stevenson.

Area Man To Start Blog, See Where Things Go From There | Sep 07 2012

Providence resident and middle manager Christopher Harlan created a blog last weekend whilst self-reportedly “feeling a little crazy.” The website, registered through the free service WordPress, is largely a collection of disorganized musings, low-resolution pictures, and inspirational quotations.

Off Campus (Sep 07 2012 issue)