The Brown Noser

Off Campus (Apr 21 2017 issue)

Report: Nation Got Sooooo Drunk Last Night Haha | Apr 21 2017

According to a report published yesterday by sources all over the nation, America got sooooo drunk last night haha. The nation began the report by saying they knew it was a Thursday night but like the nation just needed to let loose bc this week has been complete hell.

Every Path In Choose Your Own Adventure Book Leads To Being Buried Alive | Apr 21 2017

Readers of the classic “Choose Your Own Adventure” book Treasure of the Rio Grande have been growing exasperated that every single choice available to the reader inevitably leads to being buried alive, sources report. The book reportedly contains a choice every few pages that allows the reader to flip to a different point in the book to continue the story.

Child With New Library Card On Massive Power Trip | Apr 21 2017

Sources report that local eight-year old Dora Perriman is letting the power of her new library card get to her head. “I was helping her pick out books, and suggested she try ‘Charlotte’s Web,’ but she insisted on going straight to ‘Infinite Jest,’" said librarian Ralph Carruthers, scrolling through Perriman’s checkout history, which included a great deal of James Joyce.

Gross Middle School Cafeteria Working Double Duty As Filthy Middle School Auditorium | Apr 21 2017

Folding up a disgusting table to make room for even more disgusting folding chairs, Jefferson Prep principal Margaret Olsen transformed the gross middle school cafeteria into a filthy middle school auditorium sources reported Tuesday. “Ideally an auditorium wouldn’t be this sticky,” said Olsen, trying to get the dust out of the clearly unsalvageable curtains hanging at the back of the stage that also serves as the area for all the kids to set their lunch boxes before recess.

Pope Francis Clearly Using Tostitos Lime After Misplacing Eucharist Wafers | Apr 21 2017

Explaining that the Holy Father smiled and acted like nothing was wrong, worshippers confirmed that Pope Francis was clearly distributing Tostitos Lime after misplacing the Eucharist wafers during last Sunday’s mass. After retrieving the Eucharist’s container early in the service, the head of the Roman Catholic Church shook it once, froze, shook it again by his ear, then slapped his palm to his face.

Third Grader Ending Wild Story With “And Then I Woke Up From My Dream” Thinks He’s Really Fucking Original | Apr 21 2017

Proudly closing his composition book, local third grader Spencer Maynard reportedly considered himself really fucking unique for ending his preposterous narrative with the phrase “And then I woke up from my dream.” “I bet no one’s ever thought of this one before,” boasted the eight-year-old, whose fantastic tale of defeating dragons and getting eaten by an ogre was concluded with an ending he thought so goddamn novel he decided he would put “author” as his dream job on his student-of-the-month poster.

“Ace Of Cakes Chef Must Just Live In Big Cake By Now,” Thinks Local Woman | Apr 21 2017

Stating that chef Duff Goldman from Food Network’s “Ace Of Cakes” must have really taken things to the next level by now, local woman Jessica Ramirez figures that the guy is probably living in a big cake at this point, sources reported Monday.

Local Man Only Brushing Teeth At 30% Intensity This Morning | Apr 21 2017

Sighing at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, local man Todd Christopher was only able to muster 30% intensity while brushing his teeth this morning. Sources report that Christopher barely wet his toothbrush and didn’t attempt to squeeze more toothpaste out of the container when most of it fell off the brush into the sink.

“That’s It,” Announces Man After Ordering Half Of Menu | Apr 21 2017

Still staring at the display wondering if he should tack on an additional onion ring volcano, local 46-year-old Robert Larson announced, “And that’s it!” after ordering half the menu. “Boneless buffalo wings, mozz sticks, cheesy bacon tavern chips, three Santa Fe chicken salads, Madeira steak tips, the whole ‘Neighborhood Favorites’ section, honey grilled salmon, honey BBQ baby backs, and those two cokes should probably be enough,” reflected the Applebees patron thoughtfully, studying the trifold list with care one last time while taking out his card.

Crosswalk Sign Changes From “Walk” To “Don’t Walk” Unbelievably Fast | Apr 21 2017

Catching pedestrians off guard and confusing the flow of foot traffic, sources report that one crosswalk sign on Maple St. changes from “walk” to “don’t walk” unbelievably fast. “I started walking right when the ‘walk’ sign came up,” said pedestrian Steph Moore as she did a little jog to hurry across the road in time while also waving and mouthing “sorry” to a car waiting at the light.

Kids Lost In Woods Wasting All Their Bread On Useless Little Crumb Trail | Apr 21 2017

Completely disregarding any fundamental survival instincts, lost children Harry and Grace, wasted all the bread they had on making a useless little trail of crumbs in the dirt. “Thank god we have so much bread,” explained Harry as he took pieces of the only food source they had and threw them on the ground.

Madame Sych's Horoscopes | Apr 21 2017

Gemini: Today is a good day, Gemini. After a rough week where your social and work lives seemed to spin out of control, you will have good sex with an attractive acquaintance. Cancer: Today you will find yourself in an argument with a business associate or colleague.