After signing a lease and putting down the security deposit on the ‘Sun House,’ an entire friend group — and Caroline too — express their excitement about finally being able to live all together.
“It is so exciting! We are still deciding roommates, but, honestly, I almost don’t care who I room with!” housemate Sarah states, who feels entirely relieved ever since Caroline agreed to sleep on the couch in the living room as per condition of her cohabitation.
In a dismal yet stereotypical display this past Tuesday, a glum fellow was seen trudging down the street.
“I drag my feet, I’m constantly grumbling, and I’m pretty much always crying a little bit. Why? My life is so fucking sad,” said the glum fellow, later identified as local Auntie Anne’s regional manager Craig Marshall.
Strangers pissing in the bathroom at the same time results in a divine sound due to the synching of their pee streams.
“I was just going to the bathroom, and someone else happened to be in there. I didn’t think anything about it at first,” tells Jennifer Grayson, who is unaware that her bladder timing was preordained by a great power in creating sacred noise so beautiful, it seems impossible to be heard by mortal ears.
Witnesses of a local dick measuring contest stated that the contentious debate has become abstract.
“My penis is more just than yours!” exclaimed one competitor, asserting the inherent moral superiority of his flaccid member. “Your cock embodies lawlessness, with no regard for the rules of morality and ethics!”
“Your genitals are a slave to order!” retorted the other challenger, thrusting his hips toward his opponent menacingly.
Sources from the Red Cross Headquarters have indicated that at least one worker has been praying for a devastating earthquake in a vacation hotspot.
“I’m stressed! I need a break! I think it’s only fair that I can go to someplace with a beach, warm weather, and a resort—ooh a resort, that would be nice—instead of, like, freezing my ass off in Ukraine,” stated disaster response member Tracy Dibbs while circling tropical countries on a map that she wished would get obliterated in a Category 5 hurricane.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
