The Undergraduate Council of Students placed 12th this year at the annual Mock Student Government Conference, falling behind the Cornell Student Assembly by a wide margin, but eking out a hard-fought victory over the University of Phoenix Forum Moderators.
Taking pains to cleanly sew together the still-floundering bass and yellowtail, thrifty fisherman’s daughter Jane Wilson is currently fashioning a prom dress using the day’s catch, sources confirmed Monday. “I knew I wouldn’t be able to afford a regular dress, so I just decided to get creative and attach several pounds of fish together using my tailoring kit,” said Wilson as she held up the dress-shaped haberdashery of live aquatic animals to check her progress.
Department of Public Safety officers shut down the Brown Human Sacrifice Club’s weekly ceremony last night after receiving an anonymous tip that the group had several unauthorized candles present at the event.
“We’re lucky we got there when we did,” said Officer Jane Dougherty, who interrupted the service after the first of that week’s student offerings had been slain, but before any of the candles—classified by the University as a severe fire hazard—had the chance to set the Kasper Multipurpose Room ablaze.
Professor of Africana Studies and Time Sheriff <a href="http://thenoser.com/staff/Julius-Chronoton>Julius Chronoton</a> has finally been brought to justice, the authorities report. Stripped of his tenure and set to Temporal Prison for the rest of his life, the meddling scholar, activist, and chrononaut’s subversive mischief has, at last, come to an end.
Sources inside the Sharpe Refectory confirm that the lunch date between those two students is not going well at all.
“The way he pulled out her chair for her was pretty cute, but it’s gone downhill from there,” reported Sally Caldwell ’16, seated at a table to the right of the couple.