Sources inside the Riggs family’s bathroom closet confirm that the Riggs’ mop is waiting patiently for the day it will be brought out of the closet and danced with like a girl as part of someone’s delusion about dancing with a real girl.
“My day-to-day is a lot of getting dunked in water and sliding around on the floor,” said the mop, which had yet to fulfill its ultimate fantasy of becoming a part of a lovelorn man’s fantasy and getting to dance around the living room when no one else is home.
A Gmail tab that has been open on Kevin Wiley’s laptop for three consecutive months has seen hundreds of other tabs—some good, some bad, and some just misunderstood—come through these parts before being closed with a barely audible click.
The tab, the first one to be opened this semester, has held fast through repeated openings and closings of its fellow pages.
Area 34-year-old Mark Spratt told reporters on Tuesday that he feels he has reached the time in his life when a man starts thinking about settling down to start a secret family. While Spratt maintains that his late 20s and early 30s living with a single family in the Greater Boston metropolitan area was a lot of fun, it is time for him to move on to the next logical stage of his adult development.
Cocking his head and looking directly at the waitress taking his order, Boston resident Steve Wagner asked if he could replace his cheeseburger’s standard french fries with sweet potato fries like he was some kind of culinary innovator.
“Hey, you know what? Let’s make those sweet potato fries instead,” said Wagner, whose face positively lit up as if he had just voiced a completely original idea.
This Thursday, according to government officials, terrorists raised the terror alert to the level that indicates that terrorists have seized control of the terror alert system.
“Be advised that the terrorism threat level in the United States has been raised,” said an anonymous spokesperson for the terrorist organization behind the recent infiltration of the National Terrorism Advisory System.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
