Proudly announcing that they had finally regained the ability to speak full sentences without begging their captors to just let them die, University President Christina Paxson released the two senior students who will speak at this year’s commencement ceremony from their re-education chambers deep in the basement of University Hall.
After reinvestigating the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, a commission of historians and investigators announced Tuesday that Lee Harvey Oswald was actually aiming for the driver of the presidential limousine, William Greer.
“Our findings reveal that Lee Harvey Oswald actually shot President Kennedy in the neck and then the head accidentally,” said chief investigator Larry Boyle.
Walking down a dark alley alone Thursday night, local woman Hannah Brewster wore an Oculus Rift programmed to simulate a virtual world where women can feel safe commuting home late at night.
“I prefer this virtual simulation where I can feel free to wear headphones and don’t need to hold pepper spray in my hand just in case,” explained Brewster, walking contentedly without constantly looking over her shoulder or obsessively reciting steps for disarming an attacker in her head.
Saying that he’ll definitely get around to it, Steve Diamond indicated that winning his wife back was four items down on his to-do list.
“Look, these days, you have to prioritize your time,” said Diamond, leafing through his list. “All these things are important—mowing the lawn, resolving years of festering emotional issues with my estranged wife Charlotte, getting my oil checked.
Searching for answers, local man Andrew Miller reportedly phrased all of his Google searches in the form of a question last week. Sources said that Miller, whose search queries included “did Russell Crowe star in 2009 thriller State of Play”, “what to watch after finishing 2009 thriller State of Play”, and “is Russell Crowe’s directorial debut The Water Diviner a good movie to watch with friends”, had continued this behavior in spite of numerous patronizing lessons from his children.
The mystery of Stonehenge has finally been revealed, with archeologists from the University of Edinburgh reporting that it was built by people putting their legs into it. After decades of theories ranging from the use of logs to alien invasion, scientists have proven once and for all that the heavy blocks of stone were moved by people not being pansies, bending at the knees, and lifting with their goddamn legs.
I’m going to start this off with something simple. Sexism exists. It’s real, folks, and it’s bad. Sexism means women getting paid 79 cents on the dollar, it means women’s reproductive rights being under constant threat, and it means women going without role models in positions of power.
God. For years and years we’ve thought God was the biggest thing in the world. God is big, it turns out—real big. A close reading of the scripture and careful historical analysis reveals the truth. God is big but not as big as we generally think he is.