Saying that he’s ready to leave behind his time at Brown and move on to something better, senior Joshua Pacey reports that he is very ready to leave behind the support network he’s spent four years carefully building.
“It just feels like I’ve outgrown all the people who have unconditionally loved and supported me during my time here,” said Pacey, ignoring all the mutual effort that was put into building and maintaining their relationships freshman through junior year.
In an attempt to increase sales amid increasing competition from online vendors, Barnes & Noble CEO Leonard Riggio announced last week that he will drive anyone who would buy a book to a local Barnes & Noble store.
“I’m excited to announce this bold new initiative that will help this company take back the book-buying market from online vendors,” Mr.
Department of Public Safety officer Stephen Monroe never makes it to good parties, sources report. Monroe complained to fellow officers on Sunday afternoon, saying, “Every night, I’m always super hopeful that we will make it to some raucous banger in one of the dorms, but without fail, I’m disappointed.”
Monroe, who has been with the force for two years, lamented the latest example of disappointing college nightlife, according to sources: “The other day, we got called to what was supposed to be something really wild.
Wondering if they knew the kinds of unsavory activities he participates in at Brown University, Fox News correspondent Jesse Watters reportedly doesn’t know what his parents would think of him if they knew what he was up to on campus, sources report.
Expressing their amazement at the remarkable speed with which he put away the hundreds of painted eggs, sources within the White House have reported that the annual Easter egg roll has been canceled after Steve Bannon ate them all. “We were keeping them in a special fridge downstairs,” said one aide, adding that Bannon could barely move when she saw him trying to sneak his way out of the kitchen this morning.