According to a report published yesterday by sources all over the nation, America got sooooo drunk last night haha.
The nation began the report by saying they knew it was a Thursday night but like the nation just needed to let loose bc this week has been complete hell.
Readers of the classic “Choose Your Own Adventure” book Treasure of the Rio Grande have been growing exasperated that every single choice available to the reader inevitably leads to being buried alive, sources report.
The book reportedly contains a choice every few pages that allows the reader to flip to a different point in the book to continue the story.
Sources report that local eight-year old Dora Perriman is letting the power of her new library card get to her head. “I was helping her pick out books, and suggested she try ‘Charlotte’s Web,’ but she insisted on going straight to ‘Infinite Jest,’" said librarian Ralph Carruthers, scrolling through Perriman’s checkout history, which included a great deal of James Joyce.
Folding up a disgusting table to make room for even more disgusting folding chairs, Jefferson Prep principal Margaret Olsen transformed the gross middle school cafeteria into a filthy middle school auditorium sources reported Tuesday. “Ideally an auditorium wouldn’t be this sticky,” said Olsen, trying to get the dust out of the clearly unsalvageable curtains hanging at the back of the stage that also serves as the area for all the kids to set their lunch boxes before recess.
Explaining that the Holy Father smiled and acted like nothing was wrong, worshippers confirmed that Pope Francis was clearly distributing Tostitos Lime after misplacing the Eucharist wafers during last Sunday’s mass.
After retrieving the Eucharist’s container early in the service, the head of the Roman Catholic Church shook it once, froze, shook it again by his ear, then slapped his palm to his face.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
