The Brown Noser

Joukowsky Panel Just Political Science Professors Sighing With Heads In Hands

In what is being considered a cornerstone discussion synthesizing the state of U.S. politics under a new administration, the Joukowsky Forum’s recent panel featured five political science professors sighing with their heads in their hands. “They say silence can be more powerful than words, and this discussion literally contained no words,” said IR concentrator and audience member Ethan Homme ’18.

Hey Professor, I Can’t Make It Today Because I’m Sick… Sick Of Your Bullshit!

Hi Professor Richardson, I just wanted to let you know that unfortunately I won’t be in class today because I’m sick… sick of your BULLSHIT. I woke up feeling okay, but as the day went on and it got closer and closer to class time, I remembered that I would have to listen to you talk for fifty minutes, and illness overcame me.

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Senior So Ready To Get Away From Suffocating Support Network He’s Spent Four Years Building

Saying that he’s ready to leave behind his time at Brown and move on to something better, senior Joshua Pacey reports that he is very ready to leave behind the support network he’s spent four years carefully building. “It just feels like I’ve outgrown all the people who have unconditionally loved and supported me during my time here,” said Pacey, ignoring all the mutual effort that was put into building and maintaining their relationships freshman through junior year.

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Report: Nation Got Sooooo Drunk Last Night Haha

According to a report published yesterday by sources all over the nation, America got sooooo drunk last night haha. The nation began the report by saying they knew it was a Thursday night but like the nation just needed to let loose bc this week has been complete hell.

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Little League Free Agent Wooed By Promise Of Team Pizza Party At End Of The Year

Sources close to third grader Tyler Jones report that it was ultimately the promise of a team pizza party at the end of the year that got the Little League free agent to join The Robins of the Newport Youth Little League. “A lot of coaches have had their eye on him ever since he was just an up-and-comer in the local tee ball leagues,” said Mr.

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Jesse Watters Secretly Wondering What His Own Parents Would Think If They Knew What He Doing At Brown

Wondering if they knew the kinds of unsavory activities he participates in at Brown University, Fox News correspondent Jesse Watters reportedly doesn’t know what his parents would think of him if they knew what he was up to on campus, sources report.

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Aunt On Facebook Now Commenting “I Miss You!” On Timelines Of Total Strangers

According to multiple members of her family, local aunt Susan Woodrow has recently been writing loving posts on the timelines of total strangers. “Hope you’re enjoying school!! -Aunt Suze,” Woodrow posted on the profile of Taylor Haidan, a Missouri college student to whom she has no connections.

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