The Brown Noser

Joukowsky Panel Just Political Science Professors Sighing With Heads In Hands | Apr 21 2017

In what is being considered a cornerstone discussion synthesizing the state of U.S. politics under a new administration, the Joukowsky Forum’s recent panel featured five political science professors sighing with their heads in their hands. “They say silence can be more powerful than words, and this discussion literally contained no words,” said IR concentrator and audience member Ethan Homme ’18.

Senior So Ready To Get Away From Suffocating Support Network He’s Spent Four Years Building | Apr 21 2017

Saying that he’s ready to leave behind his time at Brown and move on to something better, senior Joshua Pacey reports that he is very ready to leave behind the support network he’s spent four years carefully building. “It just feels like I’ve outgrown all the people who have unconditionally loved and supported me during my time here,” said Pacey, ignoring all the mutual effort that was put into building and maintaining their relationships freshman through junior year.

Barnes & Noble CEO Offering To Drive Anyone Who’s Willing To Buy A Book To A Store | Apr 21 2017

In an attempt to increase sales amid increasing competition from online vendors, Barnes & Noble CEO Leonard Riggio announced last week that he will drive anyone who would buy a book to a local Barnes & Noble store. “I’m excited to announce this bold new initiative that will help this company take back the book-buying market from online vendors,” Mr.

DPS Officer Wonders Why Parties Never Good When He Gets There | Apr 21 2017

Department of Public Safety officer Stephen Monroe never makes it to good parties, sources report. Monroe complained to fellow officers on Sunday afternoon, saying, “Every night, I’m always super hopeful that we will make it to some raucous banger in one of the dorms, but without fail, I’m disappointed.” Monroe, who has been with the force for two years, lamented the latest example of disappointing college nightlife, according to sources: “The other day, we got called to what was supposed to be something really wild.

Jesse Watters Secretly Wondering What His Own Parents Would Think If They Knew What He Doing At Brown | Apr 21 2017

Wondering if they knew the kinds of unsavory activities he participates in at Brown University, Fox News correspondent Jesse Watters reportedly doesn’t know what his parents would think of him if they knew what he was up to on campus, sources report.

White House Easter Egg Roll Canceled After Bannon Eats Them All | Apr 21 2017

Expressing their amazement at the remarkable speed with which he put away the hundreds of painted eggs, sources within the White House have reported that the annual Easter egg roll has been canceled after Steve Bannon ate them all. “We were keeping them in a special fridge downstairs,” said one aide, adding that Bannon could barely move when she saw him trying to sneak his way out of the kitchen this morning.

World Has No Idea What Student Emerging From CIT Just Went Through, Student Reports | Apr 21 2017

Sources report that computer science concentrator Petra Shul ’19 believes no one can understand the horrors she just endured within the CIT. Those in the vicinity of the Center for Information Technology reported that Shul, who threw open the building’s front doors and strode out with a black tote haphazardly slung around her shoulder, was acting like she had been through some serious shit.

Student Film Exhibits Bad Production Values, Overarching Message | Apr 21 2017

Exhibiting shaky camera work and a muddled, wrong-headed theme, a student film exhibited at the Ottawa Film Festival not only treated audiences to an exhibition of bad production values, but a terrible overarching message as well, sources reported Tuesday.

Greg Still Hasn't Taken Off Coat In Class | Apr 21 2017

According to a report published by several of his classmates, local man Greg Stavig still hasn’t taken off his coat in class. “It’s been twenty minutes and he hasn’t budged even though it’s probably 70 degrees in here,” said Jill Sanchez, adding that it’s almost May and close to 70 degrees outside, too.

Brown Market Share Just Eight Kinds Of Turnip | Apr 21 2017

Sources report that the weekly market share sold to community members this past Thursday consisted of just eight different kinds of turnip. According to representatives from the Brown Market Share program, the cold New England winter makes root vegetables one of the only options for much of the second semester.

MCM Student’s Favorite Film Just Pictures Of Horse Running | Apr 21 2017

Citing the “remarkable intertextuality” of the images, Modern Culture and Media concentrator Cecily Noah ’18 told sources on Monday that her favorite film is just those old pictures of a running horse. “Aesthetically, it’s clearly a masterpiece,” Noah said, referring to the twelve photographs by Eadweard Muybridge taken on a Victorian-era camera in 1886 that, when viewed in rapid succession, give off the illusion of motion, “but the brilliance of this film goes so far beyond that.

Freshman Who Says He's From Boston Actually Lives 30 Minutes Outside of Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia | Apr 21 2017

Sources on campus report that Josh Baylor ‘20, who has been telling his peers he’s from Boston, actually lives 30 minutes outside of Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia. “I’m, like, basically from Boston, so this past winter barely fazed me,” Baylor was heard saying while tugging at his Red Sox jersey.

Paxson Rushes Into Commencement Five Minutes Late After Alarm Didn't Go Off | Apr 21 2017

Frantically trying to zip up her gown before anyone could see she still had her button down pajama shirt on, Brown University President Christina Paxson hurried into graduation five minutes late after her alarm didn’t go off. “This is a nightmare,” said Paxson, quickly trying to comb her hair with her hands and checking her reflection in her phone.

Brown University Architects Reveal Exciting New Plans For Concrete Monstrosity | Apr 21 2017

At a press conference held earlier this week, architects working for Brown University excitedly announced plans for the construction of a new concrete monolith on campus. “Never before have we used so much concrete in the design of a building,” stated chief architect Jeff Reyes, adding that they haven’t used any other building materials.

New Section at Ratty Titled "Fresh Catch of the Day" Absolutely Terrifying | Apr 21 2017

As part of a new healthy food initiative, the Sharpe Refectory has created an absolutely disgusting section titled “Fresh Catch of the Day.” According to cafeteria manager Jonathan Simone, the new section will feature industrial metal trays filled with square-shaped servings of fresh, unnamed white fish.

Kid Listening To Music In Shower Immediately Establishes Himself As Floor's Alpha | Apr 21 2017

Placing his speaker next to the shower stall and turning it up so loud it could be heard from the hall outside, sophomore Jeremy Kendrick immediately established himself as the alpha of Perkins’ second floor. “The first time I saw him walking into the bathroom carrying his Bluetooth speaker,” said neighbor Cynthia Henry, “I immediately knew he had all the power.

Everyone In Egg Line At Ratty Willing To Wait Fifteen Minutes For Ladle Full Of Egg Juice | Apr 21 2017

Willing to plan their whole breakfast around the time it would take to order their food, everyone in the egg line at the Ratty waited upwards of fifteen minutes for their own ladle full of egg juice. “I can’t start my day without this,” said Maggie Donahue, one of ten people waiting excitedly for her turn to get a scoop of liquefied egg.

Interviewer Creeped Out By Amount Of Research Done By Job Applicant | Apr 21 2017

Telling sources that the kid really did a deep dive, Pierce Publicity HR manager Whitney Broder was reportedly creeped out by the amount of preparatory research done by potential hire Adam Pettiman. “He started off the interview by telling me how much he loved the Crevinsky campaign I directed last year,” said Broder, adding that this was a fine touch that showed his dedication to getting the job and that if only he’d stopped there, everything would have been hunky-dory.

Report: All Airline Passengers Gross In His Or Her Own Way | Apr 21 2017

According to a report released Monday by the Federal Aviation Administration, every person on all domestic and international flights is gross in his or her own way. “When we first began our research, we knew that a lot of people on airplanes were gross,” said Michael Huerta, head of the FAA.

Campus Life (Apr 21 2017 issue)