Sources report that student Carrie Mason was squinting across the club before asking her friend "is he into me?” about a guy making eye contact with her while kissing a different girl.
“He was holding this really intense, prolonged eye contact,” Mason said, “Which makes me think he was into me.
Quietly dimming in a slow but relatively painless decline, the streetlight near the Rock-Tree on the main green began to flicker in anticipation of the inevitable end it has long been marching toward.
“I’ve done everything I set out to do on this earth," the old lamp thought to itself reassuringly, struggling to remain conscious between fading flashes of its dim glow, "I lit up the sidewalk at night, I attracted bugs.
Local resident Jacques Claremont, whose father passed away this summer, has released his dad’s wish for his ashes to be scattered on Jacques’ son, Sam, while he sleeps.
“My father was such a loving and funny man,” said Jacques, watching Sam take a nap and wondering if it would be a good time to pour a full vase of powdery human remains on the fourteen-year-old boy.
Sources reported earlier this morning that the useless owl over in Cranston Park won’t impart a single piece of life-changing wisdom.
Owls are able to both understand and speak with humans, and tell anyone what is best for them because they are old and have weird necks.
According to a survey conducted by the Pew Research Center, 95% of movie theaters are classified as “too chilly” by nation’s mothers.
“I wish they would just turn down that A/C a few notches,” reported local mother Janice Perkins. “How’s anyone supposed to sit in this cold for three hours? My family spends so much on these dang tickets you’d think that they’d at least make us comfortable.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
