Sources report that first-year student Stanley Acheson, a self-purported “huge liberal,” has no fucking clue what’s gonna hit him. The freshman, who routinely sports a Hillary Clinton campaign shirt and intends to concentrate in political science, is blissfully unaware of the righteous cyclone of leftism that’s going to absolutely knock him the fuck out.
Aires: Don’t be thrown off your course, Aires. I’ve been busy, so I don’t know exactly what is going to happen to you this week, but trust the forces of the universe and good things might happen in your love life.
Taurus: Your stars are complicated right now, Taurus, and I didn’t have as much time as I thought I would to figure them out.
Selling: Half a ham sandwich
from lunch yesterday. Has been
refrigerated. Can add mayo for
extra. $3
Seeking: Someone to lock my front
door. I left it open this morning. Please call 555-314-7903.
TUTOR: Will tutor for adding,
subtracting, sports, gardening, gym,
and extra curriculars.
Sources report that Professor Linda Hankin immediately regretted telling her lecture class that “there are no stupid questions,” as the declaration was directly followed by a very stupid question.
“Please speak up if there’s anything that’s unclear,” said Hankin, unaware that she was opening herself up to be asked one of the most lazy, brainless questions of all time.
Students report that first-year mechanical engineering concentrator David Klein, who will one day start a toaster-sharing startup, summarily dismissed the entire field of anthropology on Monday.
Klein, whose business model will involve allowing people who own toasters to loan out slots of their toasters to those without toasters for a fee, scoffed at the “uselessness” of anthropology.