The Brown Noser

Circle Husband Pleads With Circle Wife After Being Caught Mid-Venn Diagram With Circle Mistress | May 02 2025

Reports from the geometry sector say that an extramarital Venn Diagram between Circle A and Circle C was accidentally walked in on by Circle A’s wife, Circle B. “Baby, please, it’s not what it looks like,” begged Circle A as he scrambled to cover his mistress’s nude, uniformly-curved body with the duvet he’d shared with his wife for seven years.

Grieving Dog Humps Owner’s Tombstone | May 02 2025

In a heartbreaking display of love and loss, sources confirmed that Bucky, the local family dog of eight years, was processing the death of his dearly beloved owner by humping his tombstone. “Everyone has a different relationship with grief, and I think it’s beautiful that we work through those stages differently,” said onlooker Gertrude Taft without clarifying which stage of grief might compel Bucky to ravish the owner’s granite tombstone with such ferocity.

Stepmom Healed Of Gluten Allergy After Three Glasses Of Wine Make That Cake Look Real Good | May 02 2025

Local sources claim a stepmom has been healed of her gluten allergy after three glasses of wine made that cake look real good. “I’ll take the eggplant parmesan unbreaded, uncooked, lukewarm, and without any parmesan,” ordered stepmom Patricia Jennings while tracing the rim of her first glass of sauvignon blanc.

Fuck It, Grandpa Saying “Hola” To Chipotle Staff | May 02 2025

Fuck it, Grandpa Joel was seen last Tuesday at Chipotle saying “hola” to the staff. “Hola! ¿Cómo estás?” asked Joel to a wide-eyed Amber Jacobs, a new Chipotle team member from Connecticut. “Soy Joel y soy aqui por comer.” “Tennis queso y… la bonanza,” said Joel as he pointed at the beans and corn.

Man With OCD Devastated By 9/11 Also Admits Second Plane Crash Brought Sense Of Closure | May 02 2025

Haunted by the horror of the September 11 attacks, a local man with obsessive-compulsive disorder revealed that the second plane crash offered him a sense of closure. “What a tragic, tragic event,” said Jacob Moore, referring to both towers being hit but also specifically the first one.

Guy Who’s Cruisin’ For A Bruisin’ No Match For Guy Who’s Truckin’ For A Fuckin’ | May 02 2025

A local punk who’s cruisin’ for a bruisin’ is reportedly about to be severely outclassed by a man who’s truckin’ for a fuckin’. “Yeah, what are you gonna do about it, loser? That’s right, nothing!” jeered local annoyance Robert Petty, clapping in the face of a man who will be clapping him shortly.

Orange Peels Man Back | May 02 2025

Sources report that in a harrowing incident on Tuesday afternoon, local man Brian Hull was reportedly peeled back by an orange in the produce aisle. “It peeled him in clean spirals,” said a nearby shopper who witnessed the entire event take place.

Orange Yellow | May 02 2025

An orange has been reported to actually be more yellow than orange. “Be a lemon or be nothing,” yelled color theorist Imogen Planck tearfully at the so-called orange. ”I hate you!" At press time, violet blue.

Jesus Pissed Because Ratio At Last Supper Really Dude Heavy | May 02 2025

In a sad scene out of Jerusalem a couple thousand years ago, Jesus was reportedly pissed about the ratio at the Last Supper. “Yeah, Jesus has been in a bad mood all night, there are literally no girls here, and he’s stuck sitting between James son of Zebedee and Simon the Zealot,” said Peter the Apostle as he sent a desperate missive inviting his sister’s friends.

Lazy Stalker Just Walking Around And Hoping | May 02 2025

This past week, several concerned citizens in East Providence filed a police report about a lazy stalker who was found wandering aimlessly in the hopes of finding his target. “Yeah, I mean, I’m obsessed with her, but I couldn’t tell you how to start the actual stalking, so I just started walking around,” said stalker Mort Peterson, who was reported after wandering into every store on Main Street and asking patrons if they’d seen a girl anywhere.

New Report Finds Bermuda Triangle Could Catch More Planes If Square | May 02 2025

According to scientists, the Bermuda Triangle could theoretically catch more planes if it were square-shaped. “After extensive analysis, we’ve determined that the triangle shape is probably suboptimal for trapping planes and making them disappear,” announced head researcher Harold Latimer, drawing several large circles around a picture of a square taped to his whiteboard.

Amish Influencer Unboxes New Cow | May 02 2025

Sources from Lancaster County report that last Tuesday, Amish influencer Anna Yoder did an official unboxing of her new cow. “Hey there, my farmies! What’s up?” said Yoder to the stick of butter she pretends is her vlog camera. “Welcome back to my channel.

High School Boy Experiences First Emotion After Reading Assigned Poetry | May 02 2025

Sources confirmed that local 11th grader Doug Connor may have felt something for the very first time after reading a poem assigned in Mrs. Callahan’s third period English class. “I can’t explain it,” muttered Doug, staring down at his Sour Patch Watermelon Twist vape with an open mouth, putting a pause on his mewing streak.

Tender Boys Announce Plans To Give Their Virginity To A Wicked Woman | May 02 2025

In a thrilling turn of events, the nation’s tender boys have announced plans to give their virginity to a wicked woman. “This was not an easy decision to make, and there were a lot of really good candidates,” explained Benji Smith, a skinny blonde with curls and glasses, speaking on behalf of united tender boys across the nation.

Area Man Who Threw Friend Out Of Window Just Wanted To Say “Defenestrate” | May 02 2025

Sources at the Providence courthouse report that area man Vin Donahue, who is being tried for throwing his friend out of his second-floor apartment window, seems to have done it for no reason other than to say “defenestrate.” “Let’s see what we have here.

"Easy As Pie" Pie Recipe Technically Correct But Honestly Very Misleading | May 02 2025

Last Wednesday, sources at the Brown Cooking Club confirmed that the new “easy as pie” pie recipe technically followed through on its promise but was honestly quite misleading. “I thought I successfully mixed the crust to a density of 4.6 oz/cup and kept the oven temperature logarithmically proportional to the shade of the crust,” explained cooking connoisseur and recipe victim Jonathan Nome.

Achievement Award on Resume Secretly From Sixth Grade | May 02 2025

Recent reports have revealed that a college student’s undated achievement award on their resume is secretly from sixth grade. “I don’t see why the when and how are so important, really. My Exceptional Achievement Award should be impressive at any age,” said Maxwell Brook ’25 while submitting an application for Senior Level Quantitative Analyst.

Bar & Grille Restaurant Not Really Earning That “E” | May 02 2025

In recent news, that Bar & Grille restaurant hasn’t really been earning the “e” at the end of its name. “I was anticipating rustic yet thoughtful cuisine, perhaps with a Tuscan edge,” said customer Robert Appleton, taking a dejected sip from his glass of room temperature Sprite.

Male And Female Wolf Brought Back From Extinction Just Friends | May 02 2025

According to recent observations, the male and female dire wolves brought back from extinction are just staying friends. “The science that has brought these two together is so amazing. All the staff here at the zoo are anxiously anticipating the first generation of naturally-bred dire wolves,” said zookeeper Danica Freid, watching the two wolves sit side-by-side but not touch.

Report: Waldo Also Struggling To Find Himself | May 02 2025

According to reports, popular children’s book character Waldo, who has been notoriously difficult to find physically, has also been struggling with his own introspective discovery. “Yeah, I don’t know, I just don’t really know where I’m at right now in life,” said Waldo while getting ready to wander between his many niche haunts, such as the Zoo, the Department Store, the Fairgrounds, and the Campsite.

Clown Troupe Never Gonna Order That UberXL | May 02 2025

Recent reports have confirmed that a local clown troupe will never need to order that UberXL. “What can we say, we love our small vehicles!” explained troupe leader Boingo Bongo, scrolling through the Uber app while juggling five bowling pins.

Stupid Sports Fans Wave At Jumbotron Instead Of Being Hilariously Ignorant Of The Panopticon’s Design | May 02 2025

A recent Dance Cam at TD Garden captured a group of idiotic fans waving at the Jumbotron instead of remaining hilariously ignorant of the panopticon’s design. “No, no, NO! This is not how it’s supposed to be! Stop waving and keep dancing, you clueless imbeciles,” barked camera operator Devin Clark, swiveling his device away from the fans who had apparently become aware of the constant surveillance they have been subject to within the Foucauldian prison.

Report: ‘Marco Polo’ Much Faster If Played In Bathtub | May 02 2025

According to a recent MIT study, the classic swimming game Marco Polo is much faster if played inside of a bathtub. “After thousands of trials, our team has concluded that it is easier to blindly locate other players in a body of water if that body of water is very small,” noted soaking-wet engineering professor Mitchell Kovacic while sporting a pair of swim goggles and adult floaties.

Grandma Gearing Up To Turn Book Page Really Slurping On Finger | May 02 2025

Sources from the nursing home have confirmed that Grandma is straight slurping on her finger in preparation to turn the next page of her book. “Shluurrrrrppppppp,” slurped Grandma, her pointer finger shoved fully inside her mouth. “It really needs to be sopping wet in order to turn the page.

Phony Tortured Artist Hasn’t Even Tried Electrocuting Own Nipples | May 02 2025

Sources recently found local tortured artist, Aloysius O’Neil, to be a total phony after discovering that he hasn’t even electrocuted his own nipples. “My pain is my art, and my art is my pain,” lamented O’Neil while revealing his latest artistic project, which paled in comparison to the art he could make if he had the chutzpah to strap a couple jumper cables to his nipples and send 2,400 watts rampaging through his nervous system.

Open Casket Funeral Bad Idea For Ugly Guy | May 02 2025

Reports from Easton Cemetery have indicated that Jerry Bungard, a really ugly guy, should probably not have had an open casket funeral. “We love our Uncle Jerry,” said Joanna Bungard at the procession, her eyes staying well clear of Jerry’s coffin.

Scary-Looking Church Actually Really Nice Community, Oh And Also The Priest Might Touch You | May 02 2025

Sources report that a scary-looking church is actually a really wonderful community of people, and also the priest might touch you. “We pride ourselves in always delivering the message that He intended,” said Father Walter Higgins, eyeing down the churchgoers that went up to take Communion.

Ford F-150 Ranked Number One Car For Drunk Driving | May 02 2025

In recent news out of the automotive industry, the Ford F-150 has officially been ranked the number one car for drunk driving. “The Ford F-150 elevates both the convenience and confidence of drivers who drink behind the wheel,” shared Consumer Reports in their latest lifestyle analysis.

Family’s 120-Year-Old Sourdough Starter Begs To Die | May 02 2025

In recent news out of Illinois, a family’s 120-year-old sourdough starter has been begging to die. “I open the ole Mason jar, and instead of the usual bubbling noises, I’m just met with screaming,” stated Mackenzie Gatlinberg, the fourth—and likely final—recipient of the generational sourdough starter.

Man Held Hostage In Newspaper Office Forced To Communicate Via Op-Ed | May 02 2025

Earlier this week, a man being held hostage within the office of a local newspaper was forced to communicate with the outside world via op-eds. “There Should Be More Random Police Checks Of Office Buildings,” read the title of one recent opinion by George Dranforth, who curiously had not returned home in several days.

Dyslexic Elphaba Thinks She’ll Try Defining Gravity | May 02 2025

Ozians report that the Wicked Witch of the West, Elphaba, is embarking on a bold new mission: defining gravity. “I received this letter telling me it was ‘time to try defining gravity?’ Finally!” Elphaba explained, flipping through a physics textbook and a pocket dictionary simultaneously.

Off Campus (May 02 2025 issue)