The Brown Noser

Mean Judge Makes Sad Man Live In Small Room For Rest Of Life | Oct 27 2013

Area felon Charles Davis had a rough Tuesday this week, when a mean, mean Federal Court judge sentenced him to a life spent in a heavily guarded building full of tiny rooms for doing something that he clearly feels very bad about. “The evidence spoke against Mr.

Gleeful Children Run Outside At Sound Of Gourmet Grilled Cheese Truck | Oct 27 2013

Children on the East Side of Providence were delighted on Friday when they heard the familiar sound of the gourmet grilled cheese truck coming down the street. “I caught a whiff of truffle oil, and I knew it was the grilled cheese truck,” said local fourth-grader Travis Zimbel, who grabbed his allowance money and ran outside to purchase a gourmet grilled cheese from the truck.

Gang Of Precocious Youngsters Solve The Mystery Of The Grisly Double-Murder Suicide | Oct 27 2013

A group of gutsy and spirited preteens banded together to solve the puzzle of the spooky double-murder suicide committed last week down by Old Man Jefferson’s plot of land. The five children figured out the caper as much through sheer pluck and determination as through their piercing, childhood prescience.

Graffiti Eloquently Conveys Area Man’s Frustration With Local Politics | Oct 27 2013

An unknown street artist surprised local authorities on Thursday with an astute and well-reasoned critique of the city’s policies that was spray-painted on the side of every municipal building along Stone Street. “Young people today feel entitled to scrawl whatever they want on public property—it’s downright selfish," said city resident Susan Barnes.

Area Man Beginning To Realize That Folding Laundry, Organizing Desk Won’t Bring Back Karen | Oct 27 2013

Providence resident Frank Castillo began to realize on Tuesday that doing the sort of things like folding his laundry, brushing his teeth twice daily, and sticking to a moderately intense exercise regimen will not bring back his ex-girlfriend Karen.

Extreme Extrovert Derives Energy From Eating Other People’s Corpses | Oct 27 2013

Describing himself as a “pretty extreme extrovert,” local man Peter Marbury derives most of his daily energy from spending time around and eating the corpses of other human beings, sources confirmed Monday. “I’m just the kind of guy who recharges by going out with a couple of friends, grabbing some drinks, and finding a few dead bodies or murdering a group of strangers and eating their insides,” the outgoing man remarked as he gnawed the meat off of a person’s fibula.

Village Too Fucking Quaint, Tourists Report | Oct 27 2013

Visitors to Turner’s Point, Maine are complaining that the seaside village is just too fucking quaint for its own good. According to tourists, whether one decides to buy lobster at the docks, tour the scrimshaw museum, or take a stroll around the town green, the village’s unaffected charm is guaran-fucking-teed to be a pain in the ass.

Somali Pirates Thrilled Tom Hanks Takes Time Out Of His Day To Thwart Them | Oct 27 2013

A band of Somali pirates attempting to rob a shipping vessel on Tuesday were shocked when the captain of the boat happened to be none other than Academy Award-winning actor Tom Hanks. Upon noticing the actor, the pirates began to disembark the freighter, not wanting to disrupt his daily routine.

Richard Dawkins Just Heckling The Shit Out Of Local Pastor | Oct 27 2013

According to reports from within the First Baptist Chapel in Oxford, England, famed evolutionary biologist and outspoken atheist Richard Dawkins is currently just heckling the shit out of local pastor Michael Winston. “Pastor Winston was reading a selection from 1 Corinthians when Dawkins stood up from his pew and started cackling and booing,” reported churchgoer John Chapman.

Residents Of Plains, Georgia Shocked To Hear That Old Farmer Carter Used To Be President | Oct 27 2013

Inhabitants of Plains, Ga. were surprised to discover that “Old Farmer Carter” was once the President of the United States of America. Local high school student Ben McCarthy made the discovery on Tuesday after reading a chapter on the 1976 presidential election in his history textbook.

Standardized Testing To Replace Birthdays | Oct 27 2013

Secretary of Education Arne Duncan announced today that in an effort to boost academic excellence and close the achievement gap, standardized testing will now take the place of birthdays, recess and sleep. “In a globalized and increasingly competitive world, we must ensure that our children are getting the skills they need,” said Duncan, noting that now instead of birthdays, students would be able to help themselves to 15-minute breaks between tests.

People On Boat Wave At People On Other Boat | Oct 27 2013

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Puny Baby No Match For Powerful Mommy | Oct 27 2013

According to various sources, puny baby does not stand a chance against an opponent like powerful mommy. “Puny baby had better think again if he thinks he’s gonna get out of this one alive,” said one spectator. “I mean just look at the muscle on that mommy! Look at her, and tell me that’s not a powerful mommy.” In addition to being significantly larger than puny baby, powerful mommy is also considerably older, has a fully developed brain, and knows many of puny baby’s moves, having given birth to puny baby and raised him up to this point.

Psychotic Father And Son Sweetly Playing First Game Of Catch The Severed Hand | Oct 27 2013

Standing in their backyard on a picturesque autumn day, psychotic father and son Joseph and Mikey Thompson sweetly played their first game of catch the recently severed human hand, sources confirmed Sunday. “There’s nothing like tossing around a misbehaving postman’s hand with your boy on a beautiful afternoon,” a sweaty and unblinking Joseph Thompson said, while his adorable and impish 6-year-old son nodded and tossed the festering limb back to his father.

Area Dad Won’t Stop Showing Daughter’s Boyfriend His GoPro Mountain Biking Videos | Oct 27 2013

According to sources within the Warren house, local father and avid mountain biker David Warren won’t stop showing his daughter’s boyfriend, Josh, all of his GoPro mountain biking videos. “After dinner, he took me into the living room and said he had something to show me,” said Josh, who has been dating Warren’s daughter, Kathy, for two weeks.

Cool Kidnapper Lets Victims Stay Up Past 9 p.m., Eat Sugar Cereal | Oct 27 2013

Local kidnapper Steve Frankel has established himself as a favorite among victims, who support his totally cool practices of letting them stay up past 9 p.m. every night and eat any sugar cereal they want for breakfast. “Mr. Frankel’s the best!” exclaimed 9-year-old Jim Evans, who has spent the past two weeks in Frankel’s basement as police forces mobilize search and rescue teams on his behalf.

Anti-Immigration Congressman Just Asking For Ironic Scenario Where He Has To Flee The Country And This Time He Is The Immigrant | Oct 27 2013

Representative Steve King (R-Iowa) yesterday delivered a virulently anti-immigrant speech on the Senate floor, virtually guaranteeing that he will one day be forced to resettle in a predominantly Hispanic country in an ironic twist of fate revealing his own inhumanity.

Al Qaeda Destroys Every American Pestle Factory, Brings Nation To Its Knees | Oct 27 2013

The U.S. was left reeling yesterday as a string of five factory bombings destroyed the country’s entire capacity to design, manufacture and transport the pestles that are the nation’s lifeblood. Wholesale surrender to the terrorist group appears to be imminent.

7th-Grade Genius Invents Safer Way To Jump Into Thorn Bush To Impress Friends | Oct 27 2013

Preteen residents of Cranston, R.I. expressed admiration on Saturday for local child genius Kevin Costello’s latest invention—a new method of jumping into a thorn bush that leaves the jumper at minimal risk for grievous injury. “Every year, tens upon tens of people receive minor injuries from jumping into a thorn bush to impress their friends,” Costello said, his face and hands covered in shallow scratches from his most recent test.

Attention-Obsessed Man Won’t Stop Talking About His Miraculous Heart Transplant | Oct 27 2013

Sources at a group outing at Jimmy’s Bar & Grill in Providence reported Monday that attention-obsessed man Jeff Kilner would not stop talking about the miraculous heart transplant that saved his life just six months ago. “Jeff was going on and on about the remarkable 10-hour surgery he had to replace his defective heart,” reported close friend Arnold Prescott.

Off Campus (Oct 27 2013 issue)