Ethan's articles
Browsing his Venmo feed on Sunday night, Drew Malady ‘17 discovered several cool events that he wasn’t invited to. “Huh, Jack told me he had too much homework this week to hang out. But Venmo says he paid back Dave and Ronny for drinks last Wednesday? Weird, they didn’t shoot me a text,” mumbled Malady, as he paused his landlord’s rent payment and perused the rest of Jack’s recent transactions.
A new study from the Pew Research Center concludes that lucid dreaming is actually totally fucking dumb.
“These findings contradict our initial hypothesis that lucid dreaming is a profound cerebral phenomenon involving elevated states of consciousness,” said lead researcher Jack Vernon.
Local concertgoers reported that punk rock band Steel Fist is definitely not at the level of talent or fame to be destroying their instruments right now.
“I thought their set was okay, but was really thrown when the drummer started smashing his kit,” said concert attendee Josh Borowitz, noting that the band could maybe get away with angrily knocking a mic stand over, but not much more.
Sources confirm that talented linguist Jack Moore can proficiently condescend in seven different languages. Native speakers confirm that the polyglot is conversationally fluent, has a marvelous accent, and is able to eloquently communicate his arrogant personality.
Sources report that Dr. Wendy Hoffman, Professor of Comparative Literature and American Studies, is somehow younger than all of her students. “She’s younger than me, but she still knows so much about Nabokov,” said Mitch Heyman ‘15, who is 23 years old to Hoffman’s 22.
Jimmy Langdon ’17’s parents are not very happy about his independent concentration in Yeah Jimmy! Go Jimmy! You Rule Kiddo! Studies.
“We knew a well-rounded liberal arts education was important to him, so we’d given up on a traditional pre-professional major,” said Roger Langdon, Jimmy’s father.
Sources report that despite his turned-on headlights, his lack of swaying, and the wheel’s responsive steering, the driver of one car on Interstate 95 is inexplicably asleep.
“That car is perfectly in the lane and hasn’t swerved once," said Jamie King, a driver sharing the road with the man who is actually managing to drive defensively despite being unconscious.
At an screening of “The Happening” in a friend’s Keeney Quadrangle room, Casey Murphy ’18 has been forgetting to ironically laugh at how bad the movie is.
During the film’s humorously terrible scenes and poorly executed horror cinematography, Murphy forgot to laugh at the appropriate times.
According to a report by the Consumer Research Center at Stanford University, 87% of objects now contain a calculator function. “Virtually all modern devices feature a working calculator,” said Kate Miller, one of the report’s authors, noting that a majority of objects can now be used to do simple arithmetic.
Alice Brett ’16, a tour guide who likes to show prospective students “the real Brown experience,” essentially only mentions places where she likes to hang out in her free time.
“See that beautiful, Georgian-style academic building? That bench in front of it is where I chill every Tuesday after class,” Brett said as she passed Wilson Hall.
Almost immediately after returning from a multi-continent trip, local man Joe Douglas was asked to validate a slew of stereotypes about the countries he visited.
“They eat snails over there, right? And they smoke all the time, too?” Douglas was asked when he told a friend he had spent time in Paris.
Despite failing to bridge compromises between Democrats and Republicans in Congress, deploying controversial military drones, making minimal effort to curb the discriminatory war on drugs, and recently engaging in military action in Iraq, Obama supposes that he’ll still probably have a monument erected in his honor at some point.
Apple announced today that it would release its latest status symbol in the next month. Tim Cook, the company’s CEO, described the product’s innovative exclusivity in detail at a press conference this morning.
“We are extremely proud to reach this milestone in cutting edge technology,” said Cook, emphasizing the new product’s status-affirming, all-the-cool-kids-have-it design.
A new study released by the Pew Research Center found that people are naturally well-behaved and moral until one small incident sends them winding down a self-destructive path for the rest of their lives. The study concluded that if people can avoid that one small mistake, they will continue living happy, successful lives until they die.
Victor Polk and Samantha Claremont, a half-black, half-white couple who have been dating for two years, have decided to stay together in order to make money off iStock photo shoots. Despite their frequent fights and lack of real affection for one another, the allure of a paycheck for something as easy as smiling on a park bench is enough to keep them together.
Students were excited to hear last Friday that the Perry and Marty Granoff Center for the Creative Arts has incorporated new, even edgier furniture into its study spaces. According to Granoff directors, the center is breaking new ground in the use of furniture that is perspective-challenging and very painful to sit on.
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