Using the time to proffer his own views on the topic, local weatherman Howard Brown ends each day’s forecast by reminding viewers that global warming is a hoax created by the government.
Area man Rod Stevenson told reporters he often feels a little bit awkward around women and men.
“Sometimes I get flustered when I’m talking to a woman or to anyone else at all,” said Stevenson, who suddenly blurts out embarrassing non-sequiturs and drops his voice when approached by a woman he is attracted to, or a woman he is not attracted to, or a person of any gender identification whatsoever.
Breast cancer survivor Tara Garber has reportedly inspired hundreds of people with her story of beating breast cancer with expensive medical treatments and the loving support of her friends and family.
“Tara’s journey really touched me,” said Melanie Tuttle, who learned about Garber’s struggle through a piece Garber’s sister wrote in the local newspaper.
It was revealed Thursday that the very notion that human beings could ever be good has all been an elaborate prank. Sources report that people are actually bad and there’s nothing that can be done about it.
“I cannot believe I fell for that!” said Boston resident Karen Thomas, shaking her head ruefully.
According to sources from within the government, the Department of Buzzkill arrested over 25 J.P. Morgan investment bankers involved in a totally rad embezzlement scam yesterday.
The super dope larceny funneled millions of shareholder dollars into the pockets of Morgan top executives until it was flat out busted by the feds over, like, a technicality or whatever.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
