The Brown Noser

Cool Guy Always Surfing To Class

According to word around campus, cool guy Mikey Blakeshack ’17 is always surfing to class. “My morning doesn’t begin until Blakeshack surfs through the doors of lecture hall and rides a wave down to his seat of choice,” classmate Brooke David ’17 told reporters, adding that the room erupts in applause if Blakeshack decides to indulge his fans and splash the professor.

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University’s Beautiful Free Spirits Announce Plans To Take You Onto A Rooftop To Watch The City Breathe

Smiling encouragingly at you from a fire escape ladder, the University’s beautiful free spirited students announced plans to take you up onto a roof to watch the city breathe. “You’ve been saying ‘no’ to life,” said beautiful young Lauren Carhartt ‘18 as the afternoon sun reflected off her golden hair.

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Man Sick Of Being Woken Up By Sounds Of Destruction Every Morning

Out of bed early for the fourth time this week, local man Joseph Alvarado is getting really annoyed with the loud sound of destruction right outside his home every morning. “Every goddamn day I wake up to the sound of destruction crews tearing up the sidewalk and torching buildings on my block,” said Alvarado, sipping black coffee and rubbing his eyes.

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NBA Players' Union Demands Shorter Hoops

In an attempt to quickly resolve the issue, National Basketball Association players and owners met all day Monday to discuss the National Basketball Player Association’s demand for shorter hoops. The Monday meeting was fraught as NBPA President Chris Paul and NBA commissioner Adam Silver argued over the fair height of regulation basketball hoops.

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90% Of Stolen Cars Taken In Time Between Unlocking, Reaching Door

According to a recent study released by the Department of Motor Vehicles, 90 percent of stolen cars are taken in the brief seconds between unlocking and reaching the driver’s side door. “We have found that the vast majority of car thefts occur after the unlock button beeps and before the owner’s hand touches the door handle, around the time it takes to walk 15 feet,” said study researcher Sally Feekler, adding that victims of such thefts report seeing a stranger sprint towards the car and slip into the driver’s seat within seconds of the unlock button sounding.

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