Out of bed early for the fourth time this week, local man Joseph Alvarado is getting really annoyed with the loud sound of destruction right outside his home every morning.
“Every goddamn day I wake up to the sound of destruction crews tearing up the sidewalk and torching buildings on my block,” said Alvarado, sipping black coffee and rubbing his eyes.
Commenting on his loose moral code and self-satisfied behavior, friends of local financial analyst Brett Radner, 24, a man who grew up without watching television, report that he is no less terrible than those who watched broadcast programming as a kid.
Admitting to reporters that she had not expected she would be going it alone, sources confirmed that Aunt Patricia was the only person on molly at her nephew David’s bar mitzvah.
“I’d assumed that my family members also wanted to spice things up for the trillionth bar mitzvah we’ve been through, but I guess we’re not all on the same page,” Aunt Patricia told reporters, pausing to guzzle down water and wipe sweat off her brow.
After being pressured into torching yet another of her out-of-shape friends in the 200 meter, U.S. sprinter Allyson Felix expressed her frustration with friends and family asking her to race them during dinner parties. “Running is my livelihood,” said the six-time Olympic medalist, who was asked to run just a small race for the guests between salad and the main course, and implored to race for a little longer while they waited for dessert.
Local concertgoers reported that punk rock band Steel Fist is definitely not at the level of talent or fame to be destroying their instruments right now.
“I thought their set was okay, but was really thrown when the drummer started smashing his kit,” said concert attendee Josh Borowitz, noting that the band could maybe get away with angrily knocking a mic stand over, but not much more.
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