The Brown Noser

Man Sick Of Being Woken Up By Sounds Of Destruction Every Morning | Oct 06 2015

Out of bed early for the fourth time this week, local man Joseph Alvarado is getting really annoyed with the loud sound of destruction right outside his home every morning. “Every goddamn day I wake up to the sound of destruction crews tearing up the sidewalk and torching buildings on my block,” said Alvarado, sipping black coffee and rubbing his eyes.

Man Raised Without TV No Less Terrible | Oct 06 2015

Commenting on his loose moral code and self-satisfied behavior, friends of local financial analyst Brett Radner, 24, a man who grew up without watching television, report that he is no less terrible than those who watched broadcast programming as a kid.

Aunt Patricia The Only One On Molly At Bar Mitzvah | Oct 06 2015

Admitting to reporters that she had not expected she would be going it alone, sources confirmed that Aunt Patricia was the only person on molly at her nephew David’s bar mitzvah. “I’d assumed that my family members also wanted to spice things up for the trillionth bar mitzvah we’ve been through, but I guess we’re not all on the same page,” Aunt Patricia told reporters, pausing to guzzle down water and wipe sweat off her brow.

Athlete Sick Of Everyone Asking Her To Race Them At Dinner Parties | Oct 06 2015

After being pressured into torching yet another of her out-of-shape friends in the 200 meter, U.S. sprinter Allyson Felix expressed her frustration with friends and family asking her to race them during dinner parties. “Running is my livelihood,” said the six-time Olympic medalist, who was asked to run just a small race for the guests between salad and the main course, and implored to race for a little longer while they waited for dessert.

Band Definitely Not Good Enough To Be Destroying Their Instruments | Oct 06 2015

Local concertgoers reported that punk rock band Steel Fist is definitely not at the level of talent or fame to be destroying their instruments right now. “I thought their set was okay, but was really thrown when the drummer started smashing his kit,” said concert attendee Josh Borowitz, noting that the band could maybe get away with angrily knocking a mic stand over, but not much more.

Everyone In Gym Moving As If On Ellipticals | Oct 06 2015

According to sources inside the Eastchester New York Sports Club, everyone in the gym is moving as if exercising on ellipticals. “Doesn’t matter if gym members are working out on treadmills, StairMasters or weight machines because they’re all swinging their legs and arms back and forth as if using ellipticals on level two resistance,” spin instructor Davin Creeley told reporters as he sped down the hallway as if exercising on a moving elliptical.

Guy In Tight Pants Must Be European Or Something, Dad Reports | Oct 06 2015

Citing the fact that he was wearing those black canvas slipper things and carrying a small leather backpack with something Scandinavian written on it, area dad Daniel Berman reported Wednesday that the guy over there in the fitted pants must be from Europe or something.

Hit Song Just Man Saying "Party" Over and Over | Oct 06 2015

Announcing the top 20 songs of the week, Billboard has confirmed that once again “Party” by the Party Boys has topped the charts. The song, which is four minutes of a man saying “party” over and over in a monotone voice, has been hailed for its creative use of the word “party.” The process of creating the song was reportedly very difficult.

NPR Guest Clearly Just The Host Putting On A Voice | Oct 06 2015

Saying that it’d take more than a slightly lowered pitch and affected southern drawl to fool them, listeners reported that the day’s guest on NPR’s “Fresh Air” was obviously just host Terry Gross doing a voice. “I don’t know why she thought this was going to work,” said Lisa Wainwright, who thought about calling in and letting Gross know that everyone knew but decided to see how it would play out.

Class Really Comes Together To Make Substitute Teacher Feel Like Shit | Oct 06 2015

The students of Mrs. Henley’s algebra class really came together during fourth period to make their substitute teacher Genevieve Stockmann feel like absolute shit, sources confirm. “Phoebe pretended to be me and I pretended to be Phoebe,” said student Monica Riu, adding that she drew a picture of Stockmann in a nursing home and passed it up to the front desk with the help of her peers, some of whom added insults about the teacher’s age in order to make her feel old and undesirable.

Dad Could Totally Survive Off The Land | Oct 06 2015

Glancing around his backyard Saturday morning, local dad Al Felman has determined that he could totally survive off the land if it came down to it. “Dig up some tubers to eat, yup,” Felman said, absent-mindedly hooking and unhooking the carabiner keychain from around his belt-loop.

Dad's New Hobby Suspiciously Like Terrorism | Oct 06 2015

Though glad their father is spending less time on the couch, Mike Sampson’s two daughters expressed concern that his new hobby might be non-state terrorism. “It’s good that he has something to do, and it’s cheaper than buying a boat,” said Sampson’s teenage daughter Cynthia, noting that her father has seemed happier since he started reading up on conspiracies and ordering mysterious mechanical components on the internet.

Fifth Grade Teacher's Mnemonic Bit Of A Stretch | Oct 06 2015

Students at Wilshire Elementary School report that their teacher’s trick for remembering the planets of the solar system doesn’t really work. The mnemonic “Most Villains Engage Mostly Jovial Students Using Nice” is fraught with problems according to those in Mr.

Guinness World Record Holder For Most Apples Crushed With Biceps Doing It All To Win Back Julia | Oct 06 2015

When asked on Monday what led him to seek the world record for most apples crushed with biceps, titleholder Joseph Rodriquez responded that it was the possibility of regaining Julia’s love that kept him going. Rodriquez, who crushed 12 apples with his biceps in one minute, trained for months on end to achieve the one feat that would bring him back into the good graces of the only woman he’s ever loved.

Hot Air Balloon Enthusiast Must Not Know About Planes | Oct 06 2015

Sources close to Kingston resident Matthew Arkell report that the 34-year-old hot air balloon enthusiast must not be familiar with planes, aircraft that move through the sky quickly and efficiently. “It’s so amazing to go up there and just float,” said the delusional Arkell, clearly unaware of the fact that he could be in Europe in under seven hours if he took a plane, even a pretty slow one.

Little Girl Just Flat Out Lies To Diary | Oct 06 2015

Nine-year-old Sally Wilson just unabashedly lies to her diary, sources confirmed Tuesday. The little girl who apparently has no moral compass regularly plays hard and fast with the truth in nearly every area of her life from who won her school’s reading contest to whose birthday parties she was invited to.

Middle School Woodshop Teacher Getting Way Into Student Dismemberment Story | Oct 06 2015

Saying there is no horseplay allowed around the equipment because your hand could get torn off just like Lacy’s, middle school woodshop teacher Terrence Leonard is getting way too into one of his student dismemberment stories. “Lacy Danielson was a student of mine a few years back,” said Leonard, his students listening with rapt attention.

Talentless Actor Really Just Wants To Talentlessly Direct | Oct 06 2015

Fresh off the heels of a mediocre supporting performance in Focus Features’ “Can You Hear The River Sing?” last July, Hollywood actor George LeDoux conveyed to reporters his true desire to direct mediocre film. “I love acting, don’t get me wrong,” LeDoux said, “but what I really want to do is direct a feature film.

Movie Trailer Just Assuming You Know What A "Cyber-Scroll" Is | Oct 06 2015

Viewers of the two-and-a-half minute commercial for DangerHat Studio’s new installment in the popular “Hero Circle” series expressed frustration that the trailer refused to define the term “cyber-scroll,” despite its multiple appearances and apparent importance.

Plot Of Cartoon Movie Uncomfortably Reminiscent Of Iraq War | Oct 06 2015

Though they applauded the animation and visual style of the family film, viewers were reportedly unnerved by “Marco Returns To The Desert”’s narrative similarities to the second Gulf War. The film follows kindhearted, naive bunny rabbit Marco’s attempts to make new friends in the desert.

Talented Linguist Knows How To Condescend In Seven Different Languages | Oct 06 2015

Sources confirm that talented linguist Jack Moore can proficiently condescend in seven different languages. Native speakers confirm that the polyglot is conversationally fluent, has a marvelous accent, and is able to eloquently communicate his arrogant personality.

Report: 60% of Americans Can't Locate America On This Map I Drew | Oct 06 2015

According to a recent report, 60 percent of Americans can’t locate America on this map that I drew. “It’s a pretty scary statistic,” I said about the report. “What does this say about the priorities of our education system? What does this say about the future of America? Nothing good.

Report: Average Businessman Angrily Sweeps Papers Off Desk Six Times Per Day | Oct 06 2015

A new report released by the Bureau of Labor Statistics found that the average American businessman angrily sweeps papers off of his desk six times a day. “60 percent of these massive displays of frustration occur after finding out that the big merger has gone sour,” said Bureau Commissioner Erica Groshen.

Of Course Pastor's Favorite Book The Bible | Oct 06 2015

What came as a surprise to absolutely no one, Pastor Dan Wainwright revealed to his congregants that his favorite book was the Bible. When asked the question while greeting worshipers after Sunday mass, Wainwright didn’t skip a beat before saying the Bible.

Off Campus (Oct 06 2015 issue)