Sources report freshman Jenny Mathews was relieved when she saw only one question on her Public Policy 440 final exam: How do you propose to solve institutional racism?
“I was expecting something like this,” Mathews confided, “and I think after three lectures per week over seven weeks given by a professor whose office hours I went to a few times, and after reading most of the assigned articles which in reality represent a little sample of the available literature on the subject through the perceptive of a very niche sub-category, I felt really prepared to solve institutional racism in a five-paragraph essay.”
“It was definitely the five-minute brainstorm right before the exam that allowed me to tackle this issue that no politician or theorist has ever been able to fully address.”
“I left the room feeling proud of my work,” continued Mathews, adding that this was an essay she would definitely attach as a three to five page writing sample on her next job application.
Excitedly explaining how much she’s looking forward to the end of finals period, junior Tina Shook, who took every opportunity over the past five months to insult her hometown, reported that she can’t wait to go home for break.
“It’s going to be so nice to finally be home and allow myself to just relax,” reported Shook, even though she’s complained to her college friends on multiple occasions about how there’s never anything to do in her hometown.
You’re going to be invited to a lot of holiday parties. Never go over someone’s house empty handed. And never leave empty handed, either. Scan the house, identify what you think they wouldn’t notice is missing, and then take your pick!
Try not to do your shopping too last minute.
Sources report that after a lively and spirited discussion of the week’s readings for “Bolivia: 1945-1970”, the seminar settled in for two hours of complete silence. While the seminar began as a fruitful exchange of ideas, all desire to speak or engage with classmates dried up after about a half an hour.
I am well aware that Professor Andries Van Dam is an accomplished man. I know he invented hypertext, constructing the way modern internet users navigate between web pages. I know he wrote, “Computer Graphics: Principles and Practice” which became the “Bible” of the animation industry.
As a flat-earth believer, I’ve heard every lazy explanation out there to cover up the earth’s true shape. But there’s one thing that simply can’t be explained by every “equation,” “theory,” and “satellite image” out there: if the earth is a sphere, then why hasn’t any of Neil “the Slugger” Manny’s home runs ever gone into orbit?
For those of you who may not know: the Slugger from Smithfield is the best power hitter in the Ocean State.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
