The Brown Noser

Gorgeous Italian Fresco Never Not Under Restoration | Oct 29 2021

According to church sources, the beautiful 16th-century fresco painted on the walls of St. Anthony’s Basilica in Vicenza is never not undergoing restoration. “We’re proud to draw tourists and art enthusiasts from all over the world to witness Albertuccio’s renaissance masterpiece, or what you can see of it through the scaffolding,” explained Basilica tour guide Giulia Ruscetti.

Report: The Reverend Is Here | Oct 29 2021

Reports from the town of Knollhampton indicate that the Reverend is here. “Gather yourselves, neighbors, the good Reverend John from Bramford is here!” cried townswoman Lavinia Rushworth, gathering up her skirt as she bustled through Knollhampton’s central road to inform all she could that the fair and honest Reverend had just arrived at the town chapel.

Area Dad's Knees Acting Up Again | Oct 29 2021

Wincing and groaning all the way from the fridge to the couch, area dad Bill Henderson reported that his knees are acting up again. “Ah, gosh, jeez, my knees sure are acting up again,” said Henderson, clutching his knees while exhaling mightily.

Area Woman Listened To Podcast About That Once | Oct 29 2021

Area woman Emma Waters recently announced that she listened to a podcast about that once. “Yeah, I totally listened to a podcast about that once,” shared Waters during a casual conversation among friends when the subject of whales came up, adding that the podcast definitely had something to do with water animals and the hosts really knew what they were doing.

Bed To Never Recover From Encounter With Sesame Seed Bagel | Oct 29 2021

Desperately sweeping an endless pile of seeds off his sheets, area man Josh Grapeman reported that his bed would likely never recover from its encounter with a sesame seed bagel. “This is just a disaster,” said Grapeman, increasingly aware that he had just been destined to a life of sleeping in a sesame seed-infested bed.

Dad Talking About Civil War Battle Like He Was There | Oct 29 2021

After watching a short documentary on the Seige of Vicksburg, local dad Gary Peterson was talking about the battle like he was there. “You know, the Seige of Vicksburg was significant for many reasons, but it all came down to Vickburg’s strategic location,” stated Peterson as he scrolled through the TV Guide looking for the History Channel or a Ken Burns documentary.

Everyone In Middle School Crossing Fingers They Get Teacher With Lizard | Oct 29 2021

Wishing for the best as they awaited homeroom assignments for the upcoming semester, everyone at Pawtucket Central Middle School was crossing their fingers that they get Mrs. Rumford, a science teacher who has a lizard. “I better get into Mrs. Rumford’s class,” seventh-grader Billy Turnpike said, fervently hoping that he would luck into the homeroom that contains a large terrarium housing a leopard gecko.

Game Of Cards Against Humanity Won’t Fucking End | Oct 29 2021

According to a report by a group of semi-acquaintances and friends, their game of Cards Against Humanity won’t fucking end. “Hey, hey guys are you listening?” pleaded current card judge Victor Trelly, pathetically trying to resuscitate the decaying three-hour game.

Guy Explaining How Ticklish He Is Clearly Wants To Be Tickled | Oct 29 2021

As area man Ollie Tepmen explained how ticklish he is, it became clear to all around him that he would love nothing more than to be tickled. “Don’t even think about trying it," said Tepmen, pointing to the exact parts of his body that are the most ticklish, practically begging everyone to poke and prod at the sides of his belly.

Halloween Just Excuse For Girls To Dress Slutty, Claims Movie That Didn’t Age Well | Oct 29 2021

Sources report that the 2004 film Dumb Girls Only, which aged terribly, claims that Halloween is just an excuse for girls to dress slutty. “Guys, come on, Halloween is beneath us,” said self-righteous nerdy girl Maxine Jones after getting tripped by a cheerleader.

Hard Cider Gonna Have Super Intense Name Like "Shit Face Terry’s Skull Splitting Apple Ale" | Oct 29 2021

In a recent press release, a local brewery confirmed that their newest hard cider will have a super intense name like Shit Face Terry’s Skull Splitting Apple Ale. “Maybe something like ‘Crush Ass Honeycrisp Diesel,’ that could work,” proposed branding representative Jason Dewey, deep in thought.

Kid Gonna Roll Clay Into Really Long Rope | Oct 29 2021

A kid is reportedly going to roll her clay into a really long rope now. “Oh, there she goes, she shaped the clay into a cylinder and now she’s gonna roll it out,” said an onlooker, watching as the kid put all her weight into elongating the clay. “That rope is getting pretty long and thin. Good thing she’s being careful and making sure it doesn’t break. I’m glad she’s having fun.” At press time, the kid was planning to turn the rope into a cool spiral.

Kid Not Sure What To Actually Do With Pipe Cleaner | Oct 29 2021

After choosing a fuzzy orange wire from his first-grade teacher’s arts and crafts box and twisting it a bit, local kid David Appel announced he’s not sure what to actually do with his pipe cleaner. “Am I supposed to make something?” he said, confusedly prodding at the neon fuzz.

Man’s Only Good Picture of Self From 2015 | Oct 29 2021

According to recent findings, 26-year-old Cameron Era’s only good picture of himself dates to 2015. “I don’t really take pictures of myself that often, and when I do they don’t turn out great," Era explained as he scrolled through a camera roll of gnarly grimaces and close-mouthed half smiles.

New Disney Movie To Feature First Gay Character To Come Out Of The Movie Entirely | Oct 29 2021

With its upcoming film Bear, an origin story about The Jungle Book’s Baloo, Disney is set to make history with its first gay character to come out of the movie entirely, never to be seen or heard from in the entire project. “We are so proud to release a film that at one point featured an out-and-proud queer character in an early draft,” wrote Disney CEO Bob Chapek in a statement hailed as groundbreaking by Advocate.com.

Old Growth Tree Bark No Match For Love Of James S + Sarah T | Oct 29 2021

After standing steadfast through 500 summers and 500 winters, reducing human generations to mere inches of growth rings, an old growth tree’s bark was no match for the love of James S + Sarah T. “We met almost three weeks ago now and it’s been a whirlwind,” said James, carving his initials into a tree that endured both the entirety of the Hundred Years War and modern industrialization.

Organizers Of Memorial 5k Regret Making It Color Run | Oct 29 2021

Coming to terms with their poorly-formed decision, the organizers of Cranston’s “Remembering Andy Carlson” 5k, a memorial fundraiser for the family of a fireman who passed away last spring, regretted making the race a color run. “Yeah, we did not think this through,” said race coordinator Marty Pranson as he watched hundreds of joggers jubilantly throw packets of colored powder in the air, many of them unaware that they were participating in a race set up to pay the thousands of dollars of hospital debt that has plagued Carlson’s family since his untimely death.

Pickpocket Mostly In It For The Lint | Oct 29 2021

Artfully raiding the pockets and handbags of unsuspecting pedestrians, local pickpocket Barney Schooner reported that he was mostly in it for the lint. “When you’ve been picking pockets for as long as I have, you learn to appreciate the little things in life, like lint,” said Schooner, gracefully extracting a phone from a nearby pocket in search of any lint stuck on it.

Report: Hell Yeah, Ex Getting Uglier | Oct 29 2021

Overcome with a wave of self-assuredness following a glance at her ex’s new profile picture, area woman Janelle Krupcik reported that, hell yeah, he’s getting uglier. “Oh… this rocks,” Krupcik said, grinning as she noted that her ex’s physical appearance has steadily declined since the day they broke up, his hairline receding at the age of 24, his face becoming notably less chiseled, and his personal style taking a turn for the worse.

Report: It Never The Best Time Of Year To Go To Botanical Garden | Oct 29 2021

Administrators of the Roger Williams Park Botanical Garden have conceded that it’s never really the best time of year to go there. “When people stop by, I like to preface their visit by saying that this really isn’t the best time to go, that way I limit their expectations of what the botanical garden can offer,” explained front gate operator Leslie Furkis.

Report: Nepotism Less Fun When Your Kids Suck | Oct 29 2021

The parents of America’s socioeconomic upper class have announced that nepotism is less fun when your kids suck. “I always loved the idea of a father-son duo making deals and expanding the company,” said wealthy businessman Eric Trevorman, who had been excited to use his economic and social power to make his children successful and cement his legacy.

Report: Oh No, Dad Talking To Waitress Again | Oct 29 2021

According to family members near Mickey’s Midtown Diner, oh no, area dad Bill Henderson is talking to the waitress again. “Oh no, oh god, oh for the love of god make him stop,” said Henderson’s son Jackson, cringing in horror as his dad insisted on addressing the waitress by name.

Simple Charcuterie Board Perfect For When You’re Just In The Mood For Kalamata Olives, Parmesan Cheese Hunks, Whole Wheat Rosemary Crackers, Tangerine Marmalade, Prosciutto, Figs, Toasted Brie, Walnuts, Dried Apricots, Wasabi Peas, And A Whole Baguette | Oct 29 2021

“After work, I get hungry, but I don’t want to spoil my dinner,” explained Bon Appetit writer Molly Bloom. “That’s when I reach for my go-to snack: a plank of wood with upwards of 30 things on it.”

Slinky Just Gonna Be Fucked Up Forever Now | Oct 29 2021

After finding her favorite toy all tangled up, local 6-year-old Marcie Ackerman resigned herself to the fact that her Slinky is just gonna be fucked up forever now. “I was definitely bummed when it reached the bottom of the stairs in a big clump, but that’s just the way these things go, you know?“ said Ackerman with a wise stare and a soulful nod.

Spanish Teacher Talking About Vosotros Conjugation Like It Illegal | Oct 29 2021

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Turning On Inside Light In Car Will Be End Of Us, Report Parents | Oct 29 2021

Area parents John and Lilly Bates reported that turning on the inside light in the car at night would be the end of the family. “Turn that light off immediately,” John commanded sternly, a grave look coming onto his face. “Never, ever turn that light on.

Upcoming Wes Anderson Film Will Feature Every Actor Alive | Oct 29 2021

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Off Campus (Oct 29 2021 issue)