According to an exposé published in the Providence Journal this morning, Brown’s administration has been sanctioning an exclusive, annual dinner for the University’s middle-class students. Sources report the dinner consists of two room temperature cheese pizzas in the Kasper Multipurpose Room.
Look, it’s not that I don’t appreciate what PETA is trying to do for all of us, but sometimes I just wish they would chill out a little bit, ya know? It’s like, thanks for your advocacy guys, but forcing veganism on everyone through shame tactics really isn’t doing me any favors.
In a press conference held last Tuesday to declare another nationwide recall of romaine lettuce, FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb announced that inspectors for the Food and Drug Administration have been shitting in batches of romaine lettuce for months.
In a press conference held by the International Consortium of Zoologists on Tuesday, scientists reported that horses would be much faster if they had wheels.
“A horse can gallop at 25 or 30 miles per hour,” said Greg Beckham, the head scientist on the project.
Airport employee Sarah Mendel reports that she spends her whole day fantasizing about hopping on the luggage carousel.
“I know it’s crazy but I just can’t stop thinking about it,” a wistful Mendel explained. “It’s just always there, humming away behind me.
In a recent interview about the earth’s changing climate, Dr. Henry Carther, environmental scientist and activist, remarked somewhat guiltily that he was just a little bit grateful for global warming on this beautiful, warm, winter day.
“The sun is out and the birds are chirping," Dr.