The Brown Noser

Exclusive Dinner For Brown’s Middle-Class Students Just Two Room Temperature Pizzas in Kasper Multipurpose Room | Mar 08 2019

According to an exposé published in the Providence Journal this morning, Brown’s administration has been sanctioning an exclusive, annual dinner for the University’s middle-class students. Sources report the dinner consists of two room temperature cheese pizzas in the Kasper Multipurpose Room.

We've Been Shitting in Your Romaine This Whole Time, FDA Reports | Mar 08 2019

In a press conference held last Tuesday to declare another nationwide recall of romaine lettuce, FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb announced that inspectors for the Food and Drug Administration have been shitting in batches of romaine lettuce for months.

Anonymous Admin Creates New Admirers Page Where People Can Admire the Other Admirers Pages | Mar 08 2019

Sources report that an anonymous admin has created a new Facebook page, “Brown/Blueno Bears Admirers Admirers,” to provide a platform to those students who wish to admire Brown’s other admirers pages. “I wanted to help spread positivity around Brown’s campus,” explained the admin, whose page has posted hundreds of anonymous compliments.

Freshman Planning to Try Human Flesh For the First Time This Spring Weekend | Mar 08 2019

Sources report that first-year Davey Smith is planning to try human flesh for the first time at Brown’s upcoming Spring Weekend. Smith, who has never had human flesh but has always been curious, feels that the music festival is the perfect time for him to try it.

CareerLab Hosting Workshop On How Not To Blame CareerLab For Not Getting A Job | Mar 08 2019

In an email sent to undergraduates yesterday morning, CareerLab announced they would be holding a workshop on how not to blame CareerLab for not getting a job. “We’re here to prepare you for the trials and tribulations inherent to making post grad plans,” said Matthew Donato, the Director of Careerlab.

Kid in Back of Lecture Straight Up Working on Oil Painting | Mar 08 2019

Looking up from his notes to watch his classmate blend paint, junior Adam Smalls reported that the girl sitting next to him in the back of the lecture hall is straight up working on an oil painting instead of paying attention. “It’s not uncommon to see kids doing other work or scrolling through Facebook during class,” Smalls said, engrossed in the artist’s handiwork.

International Student’s Superior Healthcare System Offset by JUULing Habit | Mar 08 2019

Health insurance experts at The Cato Institute have found that sophomore Giuseppe Esposito’s superior healthcare system is neatly cancelled out by his excessive JUULing habit. While the Italian student has access to comprehensive health coverage, his fondness for the e-cig product means he will likely spend as much on healthcare as the average college student.

Buxton Outraged After Having to Face the Consequences of Their Own Actions | Mar 08 2019

In the wake of the University’s decision to disband Buxton International House, members of the organization are outraged after having to face the consequences of their own actions. “How dare they punish us for punishable offenses?" said Ronald Bingham, Director of Communications for Buxton.

Senior Who Still Makes Blueno Jokes Absolutely Dead Inside | Mar 08 2019

Sources reported Thursday that a senior still making Blueno jokes is absolutely, 100% dead inside. Sporting a blank stare, Mandy Turner ’19 robotically delivered joke after joke concerning the statue. “Blueno is my son,” Turner reported in a complete monotone, as the color in her face drained and her eyes glazed over.

A Cappella Group Saving Up Enough Money For Big, Big Arch Sing in St. Louis | Mar 08 2019

Sources report that Brown a cappella group The Pitch Bears is saving up enough money for a big, big arch sing in St. Louis. “We love a good arch sing under Wayland Arch and sometimes even MoChamp arch,” said treasurer Shayla Key ’20 as she pored over the group’s budget.

Friend Really Eyeing Your Sandwich Pickle | Mar 08 2019

Sources report that the friend sitting across from you at lunch has really got his eye on your sandwich pickle. After finishing his own lunch, his attention immediately switched to your plate. Oh my. Just look at him. You can tell he desperately needs it.

Artifact on Display in Library Just Rotted Corpse of John D. Rockefeller | Mar 08 2019

A new archaeological artifact on display in the Rockefeller Library is just the rotting corpse of John D. Rockefeller, sources report. “Rockefeller donated a lot to this library,” said curator Mark Schaeffer, admiring the exhibit. “As part of his enduring commitment to our University, he graciously provided his own body at the end of his life.” Students passing by the elevators on the main floor of the Rock will get to see the library’s namesake gradually decaying in a glass case, Schaeffer said.

Student Goes to Rock to Feel Productive While Scrolling Through Facebook | Mar 08 2019

Deciding that it was time to focus on her distractions from work, Samantha Gutierrez reportedly went to the Rock to feel more productive while browsing Facebook. “My time is definitely best spent here,” Gutierrez said, taking a break from the Tasty videos she’d been watching to play a round of Words with Friends.

Main Green Getting Squishy Again | Mar 08 2019

On his way to class on Tuesday morning, sophomore Frank Rudolf reported that the main green was getting squishy again. “I guess I’ll cut across it since I’m running pretty late,” Rudolf said, walking carefully on the damp grass. “Uh oh, now there’s a bit of mud on my shoe. I guess it’s just that time of year, huh?” At press time, Rudolf was headed toward the sidewalk.

Man Taking Stairs Instead of Escalator Exuding Raw Athleticism | Mar 08 2019

Sources report that area man Trevor Gill recently displayed his Herculean strength by taking the stairs instead of the escalator. Witnesses at TF Green airport excitedly described the sudden demonstration of Gill’s unbridled athleticism. “I saw him and it took my breath away,” reported traveler Sarah Bullock, recounting how Gill had surprised the entire concourse by bounding up the flight of steps.

Student Really Patting Herself on Back For Showing The Smallest Amount Of Decency Toward Custodian | Mar 08 2019

After flashing a small smile to the custodian who regularly cleans her floor’s bathroom, sophomore Mae Solomon really patted herself on the back for showing that small amount of decency toward the custodian. “Wow, I am so down-to-earth,” Solomon praised herself in her mind, ignoring the fact that she had no clue what the custodian’s name even was.

RISD Party Consists of Cigarettes, Baggy Pants, Nothing Else | Mar 08 2019

After a RISD party on Saturday, students in attendance reported that the event consisted of cigarettes, baggy pants, and nothing else. “We walked in and literally everyone was smoking cigarettes,” Brown sophomore Daniel Schwartz recalled. “Nothing else was happening.

New Issue Of The Indy Just 20 Pages Of Word Association | Mar 08 2019

According to sources who picked up a copy of The College Hill Independent this morning, the latest issue of the paper is twenty pages of thought-provoking, unstructured words strung randomly together and divided into eight different subsections. “Tooth, shoot, capitalism, loose, reign, dive, deep, throne, crone, Henry Ford, hierarchy,” read one section of the paper that was accompanied by a brightly colored, abstract cartoon of an oak tree.

Hyperlink Definitely Gonna Take This Email Up a Notch | Mar 08 2019

In a recent email to members of his club, Jeremiah Jorge reported that adding a hyperlink definitely took his email up by at least a few notches. “Rather than a jumble of letters and numbers, I condensed all that into one cute little phrase,” explained Jorge, high off of seeing the regular black text change to blue and become underlined.

PW Show Has One Prop | Mar 08 2019

Sources report that Production Workshop’s most recent student-written play, “Windswept Summer,” has just one prop. “The main character was drinking out of a champagne glass in the first scene,” audience member Tim Haugerud recalled. “I had no idea where he was supposed to be, but I knew it must be fancy because of that glass.

Report: There Some Old Guy in Ratty Again | Mar 08 2019

According to Ratty patrons, there’s some old guy in there again. “Oh look he’s back,” remarked Clay Bartles ’21 after spotting the stranger near the desserts. “He just sits there quietly by himself. I have so many questions. Like, where did he come from? Why is he here? Does he just like the food? Does he pay to be here—and if so, why? He seems to know all the chefs personally, but he clearly doesn’t work here.

Branded Water Bottle All It Takes to Convince Liberal Arts Major to Sell Out | Mar 08 2019

Sources at a recent career fair report that a single branded water bottle was all it took to convince liberal arts concentrator Jenny Smith ‘20 to sell out. Despite walking into the recent career fair intentionally avoiding the venture capital and consulting firms, the water bottle really caught Smith’s eye.

New "by HANK." Restaurant Set to Open on Thayer With All Red Meat Menu | Mar 08 2019

Sources report that a new “by HANK.” restaurant is set to open on Thayer in the coming months, offering an all red meat menu. “by HANK. is going to be great for people with specialty diets," said owner Joe Stewart. "Specifically, diets that restrict them to eating red meat and red meat only.” “We’re going to have a pretty comprehensive menu,” Stewart added.

Email to Professor Just Exclamation Points | Mar 08 2019

Signing off on an email to his professor, junior Brandon Roth reported that the message was composed entirely of exclamation points. “I threw in an exclamation point to make it seem laid-back,” Roth recalled as he considered sending the email. “But it was still so dry.

Campus Life (Mar 08 2019 issue)