The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Dec 08 2023 issue)

Brown Admin Makes Statement On Why They Can’t Make Statement About Making Statement | Dec 08 2023

The Brown administration recently released a statement about why they cannot make a statement about making a statement. “There are many factors at play here, which means we cannot make a statement about making a statement at this time,” a written statement from administration to the Brown community read.

Paxson Solemnly Flips “Days Since Last Protest” Sign Back To Zero Again | Dec 08 2023

According to sources, Christina Paxson has just solemnly flipped her “Days Since Last Protest” sign back to zero. “I was really excited to make it to three, it would have been a record for the month,” said Paxson, woefully shaking her head as she gazed longingly at a photo of her younger self.

Christina Paxson Affirms She Stands In Solidarity With All The Students She Had Arrested | Dec 08 2023

According to a recent statement from the office of the president, Christina Paxson affirmed that she stands in solidarity with all the students she had arrested. “Taking action in the name of social justice is a core element of Brown’s mission,” wrote Paxson, frantically calling the Providence police department to ensure every protester is escorted off the premises by armed police officers.

Big Tree On Main Green Probably Dying Because It Not Made Of Metal | Dec 08 2023

The massive American Elm on the main green, which concerningly did not produce leaves this year, is likely dying because it isn’t made of weather-resistant, construction-grade cast bronze. “Yup, it’s a real shame,” said Grounds Superintendent Tony Cremarosa, standing with his hands on his hips in front of the tree and shaking his head disappointedly.

Unearthed Founding University Decree Emphasizes Intellectual Pursuit, Integrity, Not Pissing Off Donors | Dec 08 2023

Unfurling a scroll of yellow parchment containing the founding decree of Brown University, Dean Smithers, a University administrator, read aloud for the first time founding principles of intellectual pursuit, integrity, and not pissing off donors. “Here, upon this hallowed land, we shall construct buildings––great buildings that will play host to fierce debate over relevant issues––and we shall give those buildings names, and those name wills be auctioned off to the highest bidder,” read Dean Smithers, pausing to add gravitas, “and we will under no circumstances upset the name-givers, for they are the lifeblood of our existence.” “We as an educational institution will aspire to lofty ideals of virtuous study and harmonious existence,” continued Smithers, about to arrive to his favorite part in the document that outlines the moral code of the entire University, “and never, I repeat, never, in pursuit of these goals should the university bite the hand that feeds it.” At press time, RISD’s administration unearthed a founding decree that was some bullshit pop-art rendition of a soup can..

Mail Services Announces Purchase of Brand New 60” 8K OLED Smart TV with webOS for Displaying Song Queue | Dec 08 2023

Sources report that Mail Services has purchased a brand new 60” LG 8K OLED smart TV with built-in AI-powered webOS for displaying queued-up music in the mail room. “We felt that informing students of what songs are up next will definitely ensure the smooth operation of the mail room,” said a representative of Mail Services before screaming out a student’s name.

Girl With Waist-Length Hair Definitely Gonna Spend Entire Class Drawing Photorealistic Horse | Dec 08 2023

Sources at Roger Williams Middle School report that the girl with waist-length hair will definitely spend all of pre-algebra class drawing a photorealistic horse. “The second I saw Bailey sit down and flip her super long hair over her shoulder, I knew it,” commented seventh grader Andrea Beemer, nodding smugly as Bailey flipped to a new page in her sketchbook and started outlining the horse’s body.

Report: Friend That Is Butt of Every Joke Also Stupid | Dec 08 2023

According to sources from your friend group, that friend that is the butt of every joke is also stupid. “He’s been the group’s punching bag since freshman year,” reported non-stupid friend Ellen Grabowski, neglecting to mention that your friend is also a hopeless dumb idiot.

Houseplant Going To Use Nice 8 Hour Window You Aren’t Home To Completely Die | Dec 08 2023

A report from local man Avery Goudo’s living room suggests that his house plant is going to use that nice 8 hour window he isn’t home today to just completely die. “I watered it before I left, and all I have today are two classes and a meeting for my group project,” Goudo explained, his house plant having both wilted and shed its leaves less than 15 minutes after he stepped out the door.

Brown Formula Racing Announces Plans to Make Same Shitty Car As Last Year’s Shitty Car | Dec 08 2023

Brown Formula Racing has recently announced their groundbreaking plans to make a shitty car just like last year’s shitty car. “We’re hoping to accomplish a lot this year,” shared Brown Formula Racing President Jeremy Nichols as if the team won’t be building the same barely functional vehicle as they have in every prior year.

Polo Team Pre-Game Ritual Just Spending 20 Years Living A Sheltered Life | Dec 08 2023

A recent report from a source in the Brown Athletics Department revealed that the Polo team’s pre-game ritual simply involves spending 20 years living a sheltered life. “Little rituals like that are what bond us together and allow us to be our best out there on the pitch,” said Polo team captain Sheff Buckley in reference to the give or take 20 years he and his teammates spent preparing for the game by summering at Lake Tahoe and seeing both of their parents in the crowd at every middle school play.

Today@Brown Research Study Recruiting Participants Ages 20-21, Tall, With Green Eyes, Preferably Named Jason | Dec 08 2023

A Today@Brown paid research study recently began recruiting participants, with eligible volunteers being men between the ages of 20-21, tall, green eyes, dark hair, preferably named Jason. “It’s important that we recruit a diverse group of young people for our study,” said recruiter Joan Alstine, specifying the volunteers should be single, own a green backpack, sit in the 2nd row of CHEM 330, and have a smile that would light up your whole world.

Subversive RISD Student Excited To Showcase 8 Against Hate Shirt | Dec 08 2023

Last Thursday, one of Rhode Island School of Design’s most subversive fashion students took everyone by storm wearing the Ivy League Athletics “8 Against Hate” shirt. “Being a fashion student here at RISD means competing for the weirdest, most derivative style every day,” said apparel design major Jake Tumlin, dressed identically to every Brown athlete.

Lowercase Q Kind of Sexy | Dec 08 2023

Sources at Brown University confirmed that lowercase Q is kind of sexy. “I’m not saying that any of the letters are particularly attractive, but lowercase Q is the best of the bunch,” reported Alexander Lagace as a cold sweat trickled down his blushing face.

Student Working Library Front Desk Relates to Plight of Blue Collar Man | Dec 08 2023

First time laborer Benjamin Galvin ‘26 reported his student job working the John Hay Library front desk has allowed him to really relate to the plight of the blue collar man. “It’s amazing how much more perspective a person can gain from working long, grueling days in these bottom of the barrel jobs,” said Galvin while writing an essay throughout the entirety of his two hour shift.

Author Who Spells It ‘Bi-sexual’ Definitely Homophobic | Dec 08 2023

Reports indicate that author Thomas Brooks, who spells it ‘bi-sexual,’ is definitely at least a little homophobic. “I just want to make sure my bi-sexual readers know that I view their identity as markedly detached from the norm,” reported Brooks, peppering the little lines into his articles.

Pulitzer Prize Winning Professor Has To Grade Your Shitty Discussion Post | Dec 08 2023

Reports indicate that not even a Pulitzer Prize can save your English professor from grading your shitty discussion post. “There aren’t enough students in the class to warrant a TA,” said Tricia Stevens, English professor and winner of the Pulitzer Prize in literature.

Pubes Over-Optimistically Shaved | Dec 08 2023

This Friday, Freshman David Bowers decided it was time to shave his pubes before going out since you never know what might happen. “I’ve gotta be all spruced up down there for all the sex I’m gonna have because I’ll be having sex, because I have sex,” said Bowers, who in fact would not be having any sex.

Report: I Talked To My Therapist And She Said It’s Okay As Long As Your Therapist Says It’s Okay | Dec 08 2023

According to a recent report, Katherine Shuster’s therapist said it’s okay for her to go out with Jason tonight as long as his therapist also says it’s okay. “My therapist gives me the best advice, and she said Jason seems like a good guy. He’s just getting out of a relationship though, so my therapist says it’s okay only if he is ready and his therapist says it’s okay,” said Shuster, texting her therapist a quick life update under the table.

Perkins Rat Isn't Thrilled To Be Living So Far From Main Campus Either | Dec 08 2023

After receiving criticism from members of the University, Perkins’ rats announce they aren’t thrilled to be living so far from campus either. “Who in their right mind would willingly choose to live here?” said one Perkins rat, skittering across the sidewalk every six seconds.