The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Feb 07 2025 issue)

British Friend At Super Bowl Party Bloody Chuffed To Be Watching America’s Big Gridiron Game On The Telly | Feb 07 2025

British friend Oliver Davies was bloody chuffed for the invite to watch America’s big gridiron game on the telly at friend’s Super Bowl watch party. “Ay ref, mate, are you taking the piss?” Davies shouted incredulously at the TV after the ref called a pass interference against the Chiefs, despite the fact that Davies had no clue what a pass interference was.

Students Return For Relaxing Semester After Rigorous Time Spent With Family | Feb 07 2025

Brown University students have returned to campus for a relaxing semester after rigorous time spent with family over the break. “Having spent the last four weeks studying my parents’ facial expressions, attending Grandma’s life skill lectures, and being tested by my conservative uncles, a full schedule of early morning STEM courses is exactly what I need,” Richard Jackson ‘28 said with a haunted stare behind otherwise curious eyes.

Center For Career Exploration Announces Plans To Do Everything But Help You Get A Career | Feb 07 2025

In a recent University statement, the Center for Career Exploration has announced their plan to do anything and everything but help you get a career. “This is an exciting time for the center, as there are so many possibilities ahead in today’s job market,” began the statement, ignoring the fact that there are 6.9 million unemployed people in the United States.

Optimistic TA Unfortunately About to Realize How Stupid You Are | Feb 07 2025

Sources from office hours report that your optimistic TA is about to realize how genuinely stupid you are. “There’s really no such thing as a stupid question,” said Janice Lee ‘25 just as you were about to ask an incredibly stupid question.

Brown OnCall Shuttle-Like Friend Gonna Take You Home Safely If You Wait Approximately 30 Minutes | Feb 07 2025

Following a recent hangout, your Brown OnCall Shuttle-like friend Talia has promised to take you home safely if you wait approximately 30 minutes. “I can provide you with point-to-point transportation to and from areas not accommodated by the Brown Evening Shuttle route after 7 PM (5 PM after Daylight Savings Time ends in November) as part of my commitment to a safe and secure campus environment,” said Talia, requesting to see your Brown ID before walking with you.

Shy Boy In Your Class Actually Grimiest Little Freak | Feb 07 2025

Classmates of the notoriously quiet Caleb Fink are seemingly unaware that the timid boy is actually the grimiest little freak to ever emerge from the infernos of hell. “He seems really nice, but he never talks to anyone in class. I really hope that he has friends outside of class that get him out of his shell,” said Fink’s former lab partner Emily Peters as Fink himself crouched in the corner, pulled strands of hair out of a Ziploc bag labeled “Thursday,” and wove them into a tight little braid.

Student Organizations Do Not Discriminate On The Basis Of Race Or Sex, But Totally Discriminate On The Basis Of Whether You’re Cool Or Not | Feb 07 2025

The Student Activities Office has released a statement that Brown’s student organizations do not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, or religion but are free and encouraged to discriminate based on whether you’re cool or not. “At Brown, we celebrate diversity in all its forms and believe that inclusion in student clubs is a cornerstone of that mission,” said Joie Forte, Director of Student Activities, while determining funding based on a club leader’s Instagram followers.

Philosophy TA Guides You To Answer By Stroking Your Chin | Feb 07 2025

Sources report that the TA for PHIL 0210: Early Modern Philosophy is guiding students to answers by stroking their chins for them. “I’m not sure how I feel about it. I tried my best to answer the question, but he just sighed and told me I’d never unfurl the Gordian knot of mortality without committing physically,” admitted Brianna Adams ‘27 as her TA moved his thumb and index finger up and down her chin.

WaterFire Reverses Water-To-Fire Ratio To Predictably Horrific Results | Feb 07 2025

At the most recent WaterFire, the planning committee reversed the event’s water-to-fire ratio with predictably horrific results. “There’s always this huge river with only a few little braziers, so we thought it might be fun to spice things up,” said Avery Schmidt, WaterFire chairman, from his bed in the hospital’s burn unit.

Report: Guy With Social Anxiety Should Drink Until He Gets Cool | Feb 07 2025

According to reports from the Pew Research Center, that anxious-looking guy at your party should try drinking until he gets cool. “Oftentimes, people with social anxiety can feel pressured to drink. That is a good thing,” said Dr. Francis Gray before shotgunning a can of Natty Lite and tossing it into the trash can from across the room.

Guy You Met Once Liking Some Pretty Freaky Instagram Reels | Feb 07 2025

Recent investigations found that the guy you met one time in English class is liking some pretty freaky Instagram reels. “I barely know the guy, but he seemed pretty normal during our first interaction in Fiction I,” recalled junior Zoe Turner, shocked to later see “liked by mike_lee” underneath a reel of an oddly phallic woodworking tutorial.

Girl Whose Birthday Shout-Out To Dad Just Shirtless Solo Pic Of Him In His 20s Wants You To Know She Raised By Total DILF | Feb 07 2025

A girl whose Instagram birthday shout-out to dad is just a shirtless solo pic of him in his twenties wants you to know she was raised by a total DILF. “Happy Birthday Dad!” read Charlotte Baker’s post, which featured a photo of her youthful dad tanning on a beach in the 90s, revealing his perfectly toned body, strong jawline, and other DILF-like features.

Friend With Screen Time Limit Begging To Bum A Scroll | Feb 07 2025

Sources have recently indicated that your friend with a social media time limit is once again begging to bum a scroll off you. “Hey, can I please bum a scroll off somebody? Just for a couple minutes?” pleaded your friend Sylvia, aimlessly playing with stray crumbs on the kitchen table.

Guy With Prominent Brow Ridge About To Dominate You During Anthropology Discussion | Feb 07 2025

Sources confirm that a man with an alarmingly pronounced brow ridge is gearing up to absolutely demolish your argument in anthropology class. “I thought I made a decent point,” said first-year student Timmy Smith, still visibly shaken. “The scripture was weird, but it was clearly about the discovery of fire, so I said it must’ve been revolutionary—keeping people warm, cooking food, all that good stuff.

Friend With Liberal Arts Degree Strangely Obsessed With Self-Checkout | Feb 07 2025

A recently graduated Art History PhD student has developed an oddly intense obsession with scanning her own items at every store. “I don’t think stealing is the crime, I think it’s the existence of private property,” said Sofia Davis, heading straight for the self-checkout while shoving a $12 soy candle into her faded tote bag next to a copy of The Communist Manifesto.

Towel Used To Dry Yourself After Showers Always Little Bit Wet And Stinky | Feb 07 2025

Sources report that the towel used to dry yourself after your shower is always a little bit wet and stinky. “This is my favorite towel, which always does such a good job at drying me off after my showers!” exclaimed Andrew Chen ‘25, tousling his hair with a grey, raggedy towel that hasn’t been washed in two months and is still slightly damp from when he showered the previous day.

Seniors Excited For One Last Semester Of Partying, Hanging Out With Friends, And Feeling The Loneliness Of Adulthood Seep Into Every Fiber Of Their Futile Being | Feb 07 2025

In recent news, seniors were excited for one last semester of partying, hanging out with friends, and feeling the loneliness and anxiety of adulthood seep into every last fiber of their futile being. “I’m super pumped for one last semester with my best friends!” said Ashley Newman ‘25, wondering if she’d ever experience true friendship again or if it’s simply all downhill from this moment onward.

Boring Party Saved By Double-Jointed Freak | Feb 07 2025

Sources report that a lame party late Saturday night was saved from imminent disaster by double-jointed freak Cooper Wilson. “It all happened so fast. One minute I was about to ask someone about their major, but then someone shouted, ‘Hey, look!’ before I could get the words out,” said partygoer Susan Cooke, who was just about ready to leave the party that was really just 23 people awkwardly standing around in a kitchen.

Paper Airplane Class Really Stressing Student’s MyPrint Budget | Feb 07 2025

Reports from Page-Robinson Hall indicate that a paper airplane class was really putting a strain on local student Kevin McNellis’s MyPrint budget. “I have to take ‘PAPR 0103: Introduction to Paper Airplane Studies: Design and Praxis’ as a requirement,” said McNellis ’25, whose hands were scarred with dozens of tiny, irritating cuts.